Postnatal depression and me - two years on

I wasn't sure if I should write this, I certainly wasn't sure if I should press 'publish' either. In fact, I must have started typing and then stopped a gazillion times, but hey, here we are.

Liv is two years old, it has been two years since she was born and two years since I was in the midst of the most terrible mental health breakdown ever. Y'see I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my lovely Liv and therein began my journey, one of the most difficult and hardest journey I've ever experienced and probably will ever experience in my life.

I've talked very openly about my struggles with this debilitating illness, an illness that ruined the first 4 months of Livs life for me. I was stuck in my body, in my mind that wasn't ME. I felt no bond with my child, but at the same time my anxiety at being away from her reached fever pitch if I even dared to go upstairs in the house without her, I couldn't handle my husband going back to work after paternity leave and used to hysterically cry at the door, begging him not to leave me alone with this thing. Back then, Liv wasn't my child, she was this thing that was given to me, not even as a gift, but as a burden. She had taken away my existing life, everything that I had once known and loved. I was no longer me, I was being punished, I was living in hell. I hated myself at this person I had become and was, when whilst I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to be the perfect mum. There in came the day where I could no longer take it anymore and rang my midwife and begged her to come to me otherwise I was going to walk out on my daughter.... I had admitting this. I sound nuts, and in fact I probably was for a long while but something inside me told me I couldn't cope, I needed help. And thats where my long road to recovery began.

They call it a road to recovery purely because it literally has every twist and turn you could ever imagine. I've had moments where I genuinely thought i was getting better only for the next hour to feel like I wanted to disappear never to come back. I've been on medication only to think I was better and taking myself off them, then shortly having to go back on them. I've had counselling and different therapy, I've talked to friends and family, spoken to people I dont know about PND and tried to come to terms with just how much this illness affected me and those around me.

Two years since the diagnosis so where am I now? I am off medication and no longer have therapy. Do I still suffer from PND - absolutely. I think in my hear of hearts this 'thing' will never ever go away, I will just have some really good sound days and others where there is no other option but to cry my way through the day. Ultimately I've learn how to be kinder to me - being a mum is so draining both physically and mentally that I think unless you take time for you and be kind TO YOU, there will be no other way out than to drain yourself of who you are. I've also learnt to filter my relationships - no longer am I in contact with people who are toxic to me - those with too forceful opinions, those who drain me of the positive. Instead my small quota of friends is perfect and yknow waht? they like me for me. I try to be more open with my feelings too now - so when Im having a bad day I wont try to fake it, ill acknowledge how Im feeling, process it and hopefully move on. but dont get me wrong, there are still the very dark days.

Its no secret that I am petrified of having to go through the same thing post baby number two - it is filling me with dread and is, somewhat, taking away any kind of planning I might want to do for fear of not knowing 'how Im going to be'. My only way of getting through this is thinking how things, if they do go wrong, how I can change them and get help quicker. I have a much better support network than first time round and with my past I feel Im able to maybe talk about it a little more, I do sometimes think people are waiting to see if it DOES happen but hopefully this time round I can lean on the right type of people and get myself out from underneath the dark cloud quicker.

Two years...

Holy crap, Liv turned two. I mean, TWO YEARS OLD GUYS! I can barely remember what it feels like to not have children (well, I do, and let me tell you it was a darn sight quitier, cleaner and stressfree) but at the same time my life IS Liv, she is my day and night. When Liv turned one it was more of a happier occasion for me - yes it was sad that the time seemed to of flown by but at the same time I was kinda glad she was a year - this was the time that everything got a little easier right (and she slept more yes) However with this second year I can't deny that it really bitter sweet.

Liv has changed beyond all recognition since her first birthday - the year in the run up to turning two I think must contain the most changes in a baby into a toddler - obviously most children start walking and then babbling, going into talking and this was true with Liv. She morphed before your very eyes, daily, into a little lady. Day by day, little by little she does something different, something more advanced, something more grown up, something that manages to make me giggle. New words, new mannerisms, new bolshy grown up girl behaviour. I look back to her first birthday in utter awe - HOW was she ever that small and shall we say innocent and this is why it is so difficult to see this 2nd birthday come bounding in.

I stil remember when Liv was a baby I was warned taht time really does fly and even in her first year I believed it to be true, but none more than the year to two. I feel like Ive barely blinked and its gone. Of course, alongside the year that has just gone has come its more troublesome times - I mean they dont call the terrible twos exactly that for no reason! Liv has developed a stronger sense of character, and determination and alongside this has amazed me with her stubborness and sometime temper tantrums that come part and parcel - however overall, Liv has blossomed. I couldnt be anymore prouder of her than I am right now.

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So, for her birthday we had PLANNED to throw a themed party, but after Liv's baptism and celebration I was exhausted and the thought of having to host another party and go to all that effort honestly left me in a cold sweat! and so we decided to have a very low-key 'beach' themed celebration in our garden with close loved ones and it was so much fun! Liv had great fun and most of all it was  so easy for me too - it was so unstressful! There was no mad decorations, no party bags, no crowds of people, little expense for us it really was such a joyous day. We had cake of course - I mean its not a birthday without cake and to follow on with theme 'beach' theme I baked Livs birthday cake in the style of a beach - it came out alot better than I ever expected! The sun shone the whole day and there were so many lovely moments for Liv and us to remember!

For this years birthday we got Liv a wendy house, which was second hand and she fell in love with. We put down some fake grass so Liv could have her own little garden and hung some summery bunting - I wanted to live there!
So as much as it was so bittersweet to see another year pass in her tiny life, it was definetely a good way to celebrate - with those who are important to her. And just like that, shes two, and as for me, I shall still hold onto those baby years and probably call her my baby forever but I will try my hardest to look to the future and be excited to see the person she grows into when she turns 3!

Placenta woes

I've been pretty laid back about this pregnancy, and in fact my first pregnancy seemed to go relatively ok minus slight high blood pressure towards the end and of course there was a side to me, a very large side, that believed this pregnancy was going to be exactly the same.... why wouldnt it be? Well, my placenta had other ideas.

I dont know about you, but I was a little bit dumb when it came to anything understanding my placenta or positions of the placenta, of course I knew it done a very big and important job but after my 20 week scan I found that my placenta had positioned itself both very low and anterior. When the sonographer first told me I kinda batted an eyelid and when back to staring at the picture of my unborn bubs on the screen, it wasn't until she said she was going to have to refer me back to my consultant to discuss it further,  did I realise that this indeed could be a problem.

I was handed a leaflet and was sent on my way. I was confused. I didn't really understand what was wrong, why it had happened and what it meant for the remaining part of my pregnancy. There was an element of disappointment also: I mean Id had a near on perfect pregnancy first time round and a good labour, I was so set up in this safe little cocoon second time round presuming everything was fine and there it was in big bold letters in the leaflet - PLACENTA PRAEVIA.

Placenta praevia is basically a complication of pregnancy where the placenta, that feeds the growing baby, is attached to the lower part of the womb which can either be near to, or completely covering the cervix, and for those who aren't too sure - you kinda need space near the cervix so y'know, baby can pop out! Most of the time this condition is picked up in the 20week scan (like mine) however some women experience bleeding which can also lead to this diagnosis.
So, what's the symptoms? Bleeding. Any bleeding from placenta praevia at the entrance to the womb in the second half of the pregnancy can be heavy and a risk to the baby and the mother's health and obviously alongside bleeding is the risk of anaemia, pale skin, rapid and  weak pulse, shortness of breath, or low blood pressure, and of course alongside this the majority of placenta praevia cases are delivery by c-section which is something I really didn't want. In some cases of placenta praevia the placenta will in fact move up as the uterus grows and so with this information I spent my days just hoping that this would be me. 

When I talk about how it made me feel Im fully aware that it makes me sound like a complete twat, however after hitting 30 weeks I was still told that my placenta was still in the same place so Im not afraid to admit I felt beyond disappointed and sad. For me it felt like despite my body doing this amazing thing and making a baby, it was failing at the last hurdle and failing to provide the right environment to bring a healthy baby into the world. I think as parents we always strive and want to provide the best possible care for our children and when, as a woman, you're pregnant, you feel so much responsibility to keep this thing safe and well, my body wasn't doing that. The thing I found hardest was when people would ask why I'm having so many scans and having to admit that my placenta was covering my cervix. I felt a certain amount of embarrassment having to tell them that actually my body wasn't performing like others, even more so when it was in comparison with other women that were pregnant at the same time as me! 

The other thing which I found really hard to stomach was the fact I felt like I couldn't plan for the birth. Everything felt so up in the air that it seemed confusing to plan for either a c-section (something which I really didn't want) or for a natural birth which seemed like such a distant idea. My consultant and midwife unfortunately left me feeling very much 'up in the air' as they were all 'lets just wait and see' which I know isn't their fault but it felt so very vague, which was a stark contrast to their rather stern talking too that they gave me initially about the diagnosis - I've never been more frightened by the 'no sex' talk they gave me! 

And so, I was left to wait it out.....  which as any pregnant woman knows is ruddy HARD WORK. I made the mistake of obviously googling everything too which I think probably wasn't such a good idea but I was lucky to have a few really good friends who made me feel it was ok which is key. 

I am however now 35 weeks pregnant and just this week I have finally been told that my placenta has indeed moved out of the way to clear me for a normal labour which, of course, is music to my ears, but I am not out of the woods yet as I still have my high blood pressure to keep under control and positioning of baby! Keep those fingers crossed!

I'd be really interested to hear more about your placenta stories - did anyone have a placenta that didnt move? if yours moved did you go on to have a natural vaginal birth?

32 week bump

Cliche - WHERE IS THE TIME GOING!?!? 32 weeks already... I cannot believe it, and into the third trimester now.

Its crazy to think that in just 8/9 weeks time Ill be a mum of two (obviously dependent on when the babe decides to make her entrance! So much has happened since I last updated you all when all was quiet. It has now turned into hospital, midwife, consultant appointment galore with added scans to see baby (which is always nice) So I thought it would be time for a little update on the bump!

Overall:
Things have been a little trying lately, and not for any other reason than a mixture of hormones and the fact I feel HUGE and I'm so frustrated at not being able to be with Liv properly, and play with her like I used too. Its a serious case of mum-guilt times a gazillion. Ive been trying to remain positive but my meditation times have taken a back seat thank to Love Island (my new nap time watch) and I feel like Im paying the price a little for it. Alongside this, I think the sudden panic of realising we're going to have another baby = meaning needing more money, more space, more patience..... all things we dont have enough of!

Size:
Well... according to the midwives and consultant I am spot on in terms of size for how far along, but oh my lordy I feel and look MAHOOSIVE! It's scary! I dont know if its just because I've forgotten how big you do get when pregnant and how your body changes, or I really AM this whale-like.... either way, in this weeks past heat wave Ive decided to give zero fucks and spend my majority of time in my bra and pants... obviously when Im indoors.. honest

Symptoms:
Sciatica is still kicking my ass tbh - I just want to sleep god damn it, but HA! as if! I have my pregnancy pillow which does help and I am still trying  out the stretches but I think I'm doomed until the sprog comes out. Tiredness STILL, I swear being pregnant second time round is SO different when you have a toddler to run after. At the end of an evening, when Liv is in bed I swear I just sit and stare at a switched off tv in silence... just because....
I dont know if you can call this a symptom because tbf I dont really feel it, BUT I have high blood presure (I had it in late stages pregnancy first time round) but this time round its started super early so I am being monitored closely - Im going to do more of a post on this later but I definteyl think there needs to be more notice taken about blood pressure.
Alongside my BP issues, I have a very low lying placenta which is causing them a little bit of a concern (again more on this soon) obviously if my placenta doesnt move then a c-section is my only mode of delivery, something I really really dont want! I'll do a blog post on this more later.
Other than that I feel alot more heavier than first time round but I do think this might have something to do with a small tantrumming toddler to run after!

Cravings:
None what so ever! I get a little bit jealous of women who have cravings! I dont seem to of had any!

Sleep:
Non-existant! It's true what they say about this preparing you for all the sleepless nights up ahead. My normal routine is falling asleep on the sofa early evening, going to bed and waking up at about 2am and being awake for 3 or 4 hours! It's so soul destroying!

Gender:
It's another girl!

Low point of this week:
One word: HEATWAVE... enough said!          

High point this week:
Managing to successfully say NO to something that was gonna stress me out,  and I feel so much better for it!

Feeling the heat... what they DON'T tell you about being pregnant in the Summer

So, I'm not new to this, it's my second baby AND my second Summer baby. Liv was born in July and the new addition is due in August, so you'd think I was only too aware as to what Id let myself in for, but y'see time is most definitely a healer and with it I seemed to of forgotten what sheer hell awaited for me come the sun.

Here is my list of what they don't tell you about being pregnant in the Summer and heat:

1. You sweat. more than you ever thought was possible. it comes out of every orifice, every nook and cranny. You don't even need to do anything in particular to make you suddenly feel your top lip glisten: today I was purely sat on the sofa and I was sweating profusely. Also who knew that you could sweat quite so much from underneath your boobs.... seriously...
2. Because of the above be fully prepared to change your clothes more than once a day. If not for the sweating alone, it'll be because everything feels just so. bloody. tight. and constricting. 
3. It is possible to swell EVEN MORE when pregnant because of the heat. Even my bump feels way more bigger, and then there's your hands and oh my the feet... the sausage trotters..... 
4. You'll want to drink so much water. And just when you think you've drunk enough your mouth will feel like Ghandi's flipflop once more and you'll need to down another pint of fluid - obviously visiting the toilet 3948575739296 times in the interim
5. Small tasks become like the very end of the world. I dropped a fork on the floor in the kitchen today, and I can safely say I feared for my knees, my back and the ability to lift myself back up off the floor. Everything you do will move 350x times more slower than you thought possible.
6. No summer cocktails for you. I am rather partial to a nice cooling refreshing mojitos come the summer however not this time.... yeah try the non-alcoholic version thats just the same.. NOT!
7. You'll suddenly find yourself turning everything into a fan or cooling device. Today I used my living room door to waft some air at myself, I used my child's muslin to soak in water and then drape over my feet and I'm not gonna lie to you, I very nearly grabbed a cooler pack from the freezer and strapped it to my undercarriage. Man you get hot around there!
8. The very thought of wearing a bra will seem EVEN more hellish than normal. It will grip you where it shouldn't and hold your ever expanding bust to ransom and then slowly itch you, make you sweat more and rub you until you cant take it anymore and you just have to take it off.... but we all know what its like carrying around 2 preggo boobies dont we, add in them being set free and well...
9. You won't be glowing in pregnancy, it will be sweat. On your brow, over your top lip and oddly behind your ears. Your make up will slowly but surely slide off your face until you look a very moist coco the clown.
10. Hello odd tan lines. Your body is unable to tan nicely whilst pregnant. Instead you'll tan stupidly easily and develop some nice odd unexplainable patches to go alongside your new glow.

Obviously it's not all bad, and there are way more upsides, but being preggo when the heat rises is HARD! Anyone else with me on this??

10 ways to boost productivity as a stay-at-home mum

One thing I seemed to really struggle with post having a baby and then the consequently giving up work was how to be productive! Days would simply merge into one another, time would pretty much disappear (either going by two quickly and you haven't done anything, OR going so slowly you cannot believe you've still got 6 hours left of single parenting until the husband gets home) I would drift from one meaningless task to another and never making headway with pretty much ANYTHING. I would make excuses or I would start and never finish about a gazillion jobs and then be so overwhelmed with the task in hand that I'd sink back into the dark hole of feeling a bit blue.

I like to be busy, who doesn't, and yes being a full time mum is a type of busy but its a lonley, unrewarded type of busy and that, for someone who has always enjoyed working, was finding hard. Some days I would seriously wonder what my purpose was. I didn't mean it in a selfish way, and it doesn't take away just how much I adore my daughter and how privileged I feel at being able to stay at home with her, it was a very personal feeling, a pre-baby feeling, the 'old Sarah' type feeling, and something had to change.

Small changes have led me to feel more wholesome in my quest to be more productive. Time really IS of the essence when you have kids and you want to do something else with your time/life and finally I feel I may have achieved a small glimmer of hope in this side of my life - so here are my top tips at boosting your productivity when you are a SAHM.

I would find myself writing endless long 'to-so' lists that just weren't achievable. YES - I really did have that much to do, but even looking at the list made the entire thing seem so unachievable in the small space of time I had, that I just didn't even want to begin and so the sofa seemed WAY more appealing.
I learn to filter down this list by aiming to complete just 2 things from that list per day. They didn't have to be two big jobs, but two jobs none the less. I instantly felt unpressured and felt I was more than capable to achieve what I was setting out to do. Filtering in time for just two jobs is WAY easier than finding hours on end to complete your list WHILST having a small person yell "mummy" at you for the 600th time.

If I completed these two jobs I wouldn't add to them, or feel like I had to do more, this was it, I was done. Everything else was for me or dedicated to Liv. I also felt I could schedule these two tasks much better on my weekly planner! Don't aim to high and shoot yourself down before you've even had a chance - you're worth more than that!

Sounds utterly trivial, but I have a weekly planner that I manually fill in either on a Sunday or Monday with the weeks tasks and goals. So I always feature Liv's plans, meal ideas and my tasks that I need to get completed. Get involved in some crazy kick-ass stationery - Paperchase is of course my go to favourite and for the small amount they cost it really makes you feel empowered to write all of your ideas and plans down.
I stick mine to my fridge so it's at an easy place to glance at every day. I feel more organised, more centred and less confused about what I should be doing and when! If it works better for you by doing it on your phone DO IT, but make sure you make the time to religiously do it every week!

I was the worst for wasting nap times. I used to set up  camp and just eat, watch tv and scan instagram and before I knew it, Liv was awake and again I'd achieved zilch in my day. Now, dont get me wrong, we all look forward to nap time as a way of chilling out so no matter what, limit yourself to a fixed time that you will achieve any tasks or goals you've set for yourself. I know Liv naps for an hour and a half so I'll work for 45minutes and the rest is relax time for me. Even if you use nap times to put some washing on and then go and relax for the remainder - you are STILL being productive. reward yourself. Remember dont set your goals or tasks to high - do what you can effectively.

If you're child doesnt nap, use the morning times to set your toddler up with an activity that requires minimal supervision and if it means putting on their fave tv channel for just an hour out of the day then so be it - dont be ashamed!

If you are planning on doing work such as blogging, writing, or any other computer based activity why dont you set yourself up a work station. One that fills you with comfort and relaxation. It can be anywhere - hell, even in bed if you wish, but creating an environment, away from too many distractions is best. For me, I use my kitchen table to blog from when Liv naps. I light a candle, lay my laptop out, have a pen and paper handy, a banana and a glass of water or mug of tea before I set to work. Set yourself up with meaning, get cushions on your chair, and even change into comfy clothes if you must. Make it a pleasurable experience.
I find I work better without the tv or music as I am queen of distraction however I continuously find the app 'Noisli' either on the laptop or on my phone as having some background noise. It's amazing how much more I find my ideas flow and how faster I work. My fave sound? the coffee shop! Find it here

Sounds absolutely ludicrous if you are a SAHM but if your child sleeps in until say 7am most mornings, why not schedule in for just one morning a week for you to wake up an hour/half hour earlier to do something for you. Whether it be a early morning run, some yoga, reading your fave magazines with a hot brew in silence or even choosing to do some housework. One morning a week isnt too much and you'll be amazed at home much you can get done with an extra hour. 

Don't get me wrong, I know when you've been up copious times in the night with little one the last thing you want to do is to wake up earlier but take each circumstance as it comes and be kind to you. The world is not going to stop because you didn't do this, just do it another day. And if your child wakes up at 6am or earlier everyday DONT go getting up an hour before that, instead use the early morning to be productive, do your chores, have a longer breakfast, get washed and dressed and you'll soon realise how much more time you have for the rest of the day. Try to turn the frown upside down!

You most definitely can't pour from an empty cup - trust me its true. Remember to keep your strength up by snacking and drinking often. I was finding myself leaving eating until the last minute so I would gorge myself on all the wrong stuff and then crash in the afternoon making myself feel sluggish and lazy. Now, I snack on fruit and veg sticks, and drink copious water.I was amazed at how dehydrated I had been before I purchased a water bottle. I know it sounds so simple and pathetic, but having a snazzy water bottle by the side of me reminded me to keep drinking, keep the fluids up and I instantly felt fuller and of more energy. That's not to say I dont have treats. BOY I HAVE TREATS, but I save them for the evenings so if I feel a bit BLAH, I can go to bed knowing Ive done everything I want too.

I'm a firm believer that reading and looking at things online that are of interest can create and stir something inside of you that boosts your productivity. Every morning I log onto Twitter, Instagram and read my fave blogs. I'll watch the latest news in between various episodes of Hey Duggee that Liv is watching and after getting immersed in the world of social media for no more than an hour I feel full of life and more creative. Look for things that catch your eye. It could be a headline that stirs a response in you that you want to blog. A play idea that you cant wait to try with your little one, or a place to visit as a family - social media is most definitely your friend when used wisely!

As much as social media can be a great tool, if like me and you love it a little too much, it can also really really hinder productivity. You can easily lose countless hours by scouring the internet with absolutely nothing to show for it. It also tends to make me feel like a pretty bad mum if I'm on it for too long when Liv is busy playing. Again, I limit myself to certain times (normally early morning and during nap times when I have done anything I want to do and when Liv has gone to bed). Pick your times wisely and when you're not on social media or on phone, delve deep into life in front of you and be present.

So if  you done well in your job you would receive praise, or a reward and whats to say this is any different. Look at you, you are a SAHM who has also managed to achieve everything on her weeks to do list! I mean superwoman! I give myself a little reward if I've done well, a morning out at the weekend to go drink coffee in peace, a new nail varnish, a whole hour of non stop tv watching... ANYTHING you like, but be proud of you - you deserve it!

And hey, if the day just isnt going to plan and the productivity is at an all time low DON'T WORRY. Grab a kiss and cuddle off your little one and trust me you'll feel a million times better. You are keeping a little one alive for Christs sake that is more than enough sometimes! 

Enough love for two

The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?

I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.

Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.

I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?

As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.

Seeing double

So now we know what colour it is, things are suddenly getting oh so real, and dare I say it, I've even started to plan or at least THINK about the things I may need, and even stuff that I definitely do not need second time around ( its amazing how wise you get to the tatt you dont need) Following on from previous posts, all I can currently think about is pushchairs or prams. I've started to think that maybe, just maybe a double is the way forward - it makes sense to be able to shove both my sprogs into one place right? but the real question is - where do I start?

Pushchairs and prams to me are a market that is inundated with brands announcing the new/best yet pushchair that is potentially going to make us mums lives WAY easier (however unless this pushchair is going to do the night feeds I dont buy into it) I find searching out the best products really hard and this is definitely proving harder than most. We are a one wage household with me not working and so literally every penny counts so when it comes to possibly buying a new pushchair its absolutely gotta be the right decision - we can only do this once guys! So after countless evenings spent glued to my laptop and bugging the sh** outta my 2 kid friends I've made a list of 'doubles' that have made it to my 'most wanted' list!

I'm not gonna lie to you but I totally and utterly fell in love with this Phil and Teds double pushchair as soon as I saw it. It's like a work of art. They have obviously REALLY thought about this. The variations are endless and thats what is just so darn appealing. My biggest worry with making this decision is obvious - getting it wrong and picking a pushchair that just doesn't work, but I cant see how you can with this Phil and Teds option.
So, the nitty gritty, the Voyager has a really cool looking 4 in 1 seat that pretty much grows with you and the kids - starting life as a lay flat bassinet, progresses to a versatile seat that is fully reversible. Then add in the double kit - the second seat is fully adaptable as the main seat which is rare in a double - the double can convert to a double lie flat which is fab if you were having twins, the double kit then reverts to the upright stroller - everyone's happy right?
Now, Im not gonna lie to you, I dont know how easy this folds up, although according to the site its really straight forward which again, if it does, is a definite winner for me, I cant be doing with anything with too many bits and pieces to put together!
Price - it aint cheap BUT I do think you are getting alot of options and quality for your money. Priced at £599 for the Voyager as it is and an additional £159 for the double kit doesn't make it easy on the purse strings HOWEVER I do think its a good looking pushchair and seems to have all the bells and whistles you'd want from a double and for me, the versatility sells it and puts it straight into the top for me.
Go have a look at their website HERE for more info

I'd never heard of an Out'n'abount pushcahir until one of friends rocked up in one last time we went out for a walk. I had already had experience of the Baby Jogger brand and this looked quite similar, but when I looked the closely the seats looked completely different: more cosy and more suited to a newborn. I went straight home and researched the crap outta them. From first sight the Out 'n' About is a sturdy looking double pushchair with the capabilities of really going off-road. Both seats recline independently so obviously you can seat different aged children, and there is an additional newborn support which you can pop in to enable you to take a much younger one. The difference with the latest Out 'n' About they now have individual sun hoods, which would do well to avoid any arguments! 

Now the one absolute biggest plus points with this double is that it is slimline to the point where it measures 72cm wide so will most definitely fit through most doorways And it only weighs 12.8kg so is pretty much one the lightest double's on the market, which for me who lacks ALL kinds of upper body strength is a definite selling point!

So, price... this is a great 'ALL IN' kinda pushchair with no additional charges to make it into a double if you know what I mean, however they do some pretty nifty accessories to go with this (I'm loving the handmuffs!) Priced at £524.95 you kinda get what you pay for. These tend to last a long time (or so Im told by friends who own these) and they sell well second hand!

Go check them out HERE

This looks very similar to the Out 'n' About featured above but this one boasts being the most slimmest of the doubles on the market which has always been a big tick in the pushchairs boxes for me - I have trouble steering a single so lord only knows what ill be like with a double!?!? This pushchair is also easy-peasy to create into a single as well as a double so if Liv grows out of it sooner than anticipated I've still got myself a proper nice pushchair for the baby! It has a one-handed unfold which with two kids I'm imagining is ideal (noone wants to drop a baby right) and it is suitable from newborn right up until 4 years old which I think is so ruddy cost-effective! One thing I was mis sold when I got my Quinny was how quickly Liv might grow out of it, whereas this seems like the perfect solution! 

Again, this has the individual sun hoods so each child can relax in the sun or shade as they like, and the wheels pop off super easy for easy storage or fitting into the car! This pushchair seems to really have it all and reasonably priced too! Working out at roughly £495 this is a great spend considering just how much use you are going to get out of it! I'm already sold!
Go check it out HERE

This is pretty much the holy grail of pushchairs in my eyes - I just love Bugaboo, I have been known to stare at other mums Bugaboo in longing! And this double Bugaboo is just..... *sigh* lovely! The Bugaboo Donkey is a mono-duo-mono stroller, with either a side luggage-basket and a large under basket to store all your crap (if you're anything like me) with large swivel multi-terrain wheels that will manovere over any surface and a one piece handle bar makes the pushchair so simple to use. You can expand or downsize in just a matter of clicks. The only thing that slightly worries me is the fact it is a two piece fold which is a little rubbish for me, but I guess if its still easy peasy then I could be swayed.
Reclineable and reversible seats make this stroller easily customiseable. Now, the price...... well, I have to be realistic here, there is no way on gods green earth I could ever afford one of these, despite them being oh so pretty..... However I have been looking at second hand ones. So, the prices start at approx £1,000 however, the price really does rise with the addition of their many 'must-want' accessory's.
Go check them out HERE

I'm not going to lie but I had never heard of the brand Joolz before so this pushchair really caught my eye. It looked proper high-tec (how old am I) and really swish too! It seemed to really suit my need for a double for a toddler AND a newborn rather than a double that can just lie flat.
The carrycot features a hypo-allergenic and breathable mattress that is suitable for your baby to sleep in at night, and the sun hood has a rather nifty ventilation opening made from a mesh fabric that can be opened in order to let the fresh air flow through which is so handy for giving birth to a summer baby.

As for the sat section of the pushchair the footrest is fully extendable so no rogue dangling leggies for your toddlers, and is fully reversible to rear or front facing. Has four wheel suspension making a comfortable ride for baby and toddler (and you) and is smooth flowing when turning. 

I personally think the only down side with this one is having the newborn/baby in the carrycot at the bottom of the pushchair. It just seems weird to be having your precious cargo so low to the ground, not to mention having to bend down that low...
Priced at £899 for everything you get a lot for your money, and it does look really impressive (along the same swish lines as a Bugaboo, however Im not sure as to the positioning of this one but it does have the elusive one motion fold down! 

Available HERE

So guys - HELP ME! Does any body have any recommendations? Not just for these but for ANY doubles? I'm so at a loss and with only 3 months to go... I'm getting scared!

Trolls and the power of social media

I always used to think Trolls were those rather ugly looking plastic figures with funky coloured hair that I used to lovingly brushed when I was younger, but this past month has taught me that there is a whole new kind of troll out there... the human kind.

Alot of you know that I use social media such as Instagram, twitter and Facebook. I mean who doesn't these days? I've always loved everything social media and there was even a time (pre-kids) that  I wanted a career that involved this very same thing, however it's amazing how one situation can change you view on something you have been a personal cheerleader for. The other month I was sent some uncharacteristically negative messages/comments on various posts. It didn't seem to bad at the time and without realising what I was doing I read the messages/comments, digested them and answered them. I mean Instagram had always been the most positive social media channel I had the pleasure of encountering, so why would this be any different, perhaps I had genuinely annoyed this person and had a need to explain myself. However it didn't stop there.

Shortly following this I started getting 3 or  messages a day with negative comments about my life or should I say, my Instagram life. Mainly targeting that of my skills as a parent. It cut real deep, Im not the most confident parent if Im being honest and like most mums I find myself second guessing myself daily (possibly hourly) so to see these anxieties written down and thrown at you was somewhat alarming and made m feel a little sick to the stomach. I tried to answer alot of these messages (stupidly) as a way of defending myself, which I now know was the completely wrong thing to do, but it seemed these 'people' latched on to this and what turned in 3 or 4 messages, ramped up to 15 + messages. 

These messages weren't just from one person, there seemed to be a whole hoard of non-identifiable members of Instagram who Id managed to anger through various parts of my life. I'm not the one to brush off comments or concerns about abilities, I like to tackle these things and I like the opportunity to better myself so perhaps I needed to tackle these head on? But by the end of one particular bad day the comments became less answerable and more downright evil.

I've been called a vile f****** woman, a terrible mother, I dont deserve to have children, my unborn child is unlucky to have me, Im a scrounger, I need to be reported to social services, my child is unhappy, my husband must be repulsed by me, I'm a fat dyke, my house is disgusting, I live in a pig sty, I use my anxieties to excuse why Im not back at work, I should go out and earn a living and stop expecting my husband to pay for my fat lazy self and the most hurtful: wishing my unborn child to die.

There were other things that were said, most I had to mentally block out but let me tell you this. All of those comments cut to my very core. they infiltrated my system and reverberated in my head over and over again until everything that I touched would make me stop and question whether my actions were making me what these people thought. In an ideal world and if I was of a stronger person I would just ignore and carry on but thats not me. Im a people pleaser, always has been. I want to be liked by everyone and if Im not I will work endlessly to make sure that I've corrected my faults in the hope that person might grow some love for me. I remember vividly being in the car with my husband and Liv and reading yet another message that had been sent that morning after a night of someone sending me messages through the night (we're talking almost every hour) and i tried so hard to stop the tears welling up. I felt so tired and broken. I cant explain what it felt like: to have someone throw what I can only call, abuse at you all the time it somehow seeps into your mind and your system until thats all you believe or think. I felt like I was questioning everything I had done or was doing.

Being the victim of a troll has changed my being and my belief in social media - my profile on Instagram is now private and Im skeptical to approve anyone now and thankfully the comments have ceased after blocking and making myself private. It has also made me wonder whether I should carry on with social media at all.... perhaps I should remain invisible to safe guard myself and life? The joy of posting that random picture on Instagram has taken a turn for me.. will I be misconstrued?  What also bothers me the most is the ease at which a troll can attack you on all channels. It makes me sick to my stomach to think this could happen to my daughters in years to come.... 

If anyone out there is experiencing anything similar, or has had it done to them I would love to speak to you. I'm still struggling to get over it and am constantly feeling watched or judged as a mother and a person. And if this is happening please speak out, tell someone close to you because it is utterly terrible. 

Spanners in the works...

My first pregnancy went pretty much simply.. there were elements of surprise like every single pregnancy but overall there was nothing that worried me. I was lucky. So of course, it's part and parce lto just assume that my second pregnancy would go exactly the same right? WRONG.

Let me first say, that by no means is it the worst case scenario, but this whole pregnancy has taken me and my health by surprise.

First up there was falling pregnant in the first place. After being diagnosed with a chronic bowel condition and being on strong drugs for a long time and having various operations the chances of me concieving were pretty much nowt. I was told by the Dr to pretty much expect a case of secondary infertility and with that my dreams of having a second sproglette disappeared. For someone who never thought she'd have children in the first place the way the news hit me shocked me more than I could've imagined - however I guess one managed to make it through and there I found myself seeing two lines on that magical little stick.

I knew that the chronic bowel condition could lead to complication is I was so lucky as to fall pregnant and for this reason alone I was told I would be under consultant led care rather than midwife this pregnancy, however due to my family history with high blood pressure and in my late pregnancy I had slightly raised blood pressure it meant my problems were going to be slightly exasperated. I've had endless trips to both my GP's for BP checks, and to the hospital for meetings with my consultant to check how Im doing which was fine - both of these scenarios I was already aware of an felt mentally I could handle them.

As some of you may already know, I had my 20 week scan the other week (a little late than expected) and we found out we were expecting another little GIRL, however alongside this we were told that
my placenta is low and therefore I was going to need more monitoring. I hadn't read much into this and awaited my antenatal clinic appointment at the hspital to talk it through with my consultant, and  this was when I was well n truly scared out of my wits. The very kind, lovely Dr told me all about the risks of a low lying placenta, mine is partially covering the cervix (TMI), the hope that it might move, the emphasis on what to do if I start bleeding, the fact there is a high chance of bleeding, how I might need to be admitted to hospital for bedrest, I was told no sex (as if Id be doing that anyway) heavy lifting and to avoid any trauma and of course my risk of now having to have a C-Section delivery, something I can't even process right now. I've been given two extra scans to check on the baby for both growth (due to blood pressure) and positioning of the placenta. I am also back to the clinic in 4 weeks again.

In the car on the way home, I cried. This was all so scary to me. This teeny tiny baby that was, in my mind, growing healthily, was depending on me and my body to take care of it, to nurture it and here I was being told that my body wasnt doing as it should. I had risks coming out of my ears for various things and all I could feel was disappointment. Obviously we dont get to pick the hand of cards we are dealt with, but all I could see before me were women with simple pregnancies, all getting that amazing birth and for me I felt like my options were diminishing before my very eyes. After looking into the placenta issue a little more I have heard from so many of you that it is actually quite common for it to be found on the 20 week scan and then move into a more preferred position after, obviously I can only hope I am part of this group. I felt a bit silly after saying I was quite upset by it as I know many of you have had the same news as me and everything has turned out ok. It's weird, I felt like this body of mine was letting me, my husband and my unborn child down. The baby was healthy, it was ME who the problem was with, my body was failing at doing the one thing it should be doing.

I guess there is no other option than to wait and see, which for anyone who knows me is like torture. Im going to try and channel my energies into thinking positive... thats gotta help right?

Third wedding anniversary - things I know now with children

So on the 11th was my 3rd wedding anniversary. Me and my husband, Mark, have been together for a total of 14 years and married for 3 and its been an amazing journey however there are some real truths in the fact that relationships and marriage changes when you have kids.

I'm sure there are couples out there that are lucky enough to be devoid of such change and remain in a happy, non-argumentative relationship, however my relationship and marraige was not one of them. Me and Mark have been tigether ong enough to know each other inside out, and we adore the people that we are singually as well as together, however when Liv was born there was a real shift. My personality changed hugely, beyond all recognition and Mark's laidback nature was tested when the sleep deprivation crept in. In pregnancy you are taught just how muvh things are going to change in respect of having to look after this new, tiny human, and the physical factors, but I dont think I ever heard, or read about the impact havig a newborn/baby can have on a relationship (whether you are married or not)

I know each case is different, and I guess it can depend on what type of partners you are already, but for me I have always been a hugely independent person: i enjoyed working, earning my own money, socialising, shopping and spending time alone. Me and Mark both had hobby-heavy lives that were often seperate from each other but sometimes together: it worked. However in came a baby and my hobbies stopped, my pasions changed and my neurosis grew. I no longer wanted to spend money frivulously on myself, I didnt want to go out drinking until 3 in the morning - my aim was my child. However Mark was able to split himself into two and keep the life that he once had and take onboard a new role too. I found this hard: why couldnt I still kept this side of my life, why didnt I have it in me to still remain the person I was. I knew deep down inside it didnt bother me, I was so in love with Liv that nothing mattered but here I was, the only one seemingly making changes in my life and it made me angry... jealous even.

I know they say women are expert at juggling many different things in life, and hey, dont get me wrong I feel I do this every damn day, but I couldn't juggle my emotions. My pre-baby self used to go about my life in a carefree manner however post-baby, everything mattered to me. I couldn't separate myself from my role as a mother and essentially lost 'Sarah' in all of this. And then came the laborious night feeds, where I used to get up every hours and watch as my husband slept soundly. I used to stare across in the dimly lit room, my eyes stinging with tiredness wishing I could swap places, I wanted to use the fact I was going to work as my reason for needing more sleep. Then came the responsibilty - hell, I was in charge of this actual human being whilst my partner was at work, doing what he ALWAYS did, I actually had to keep this thing alive! The pressure was huge and insurmountable. Whats his bad day to the fact that I have to try and keep a human alive everyday?!?

I began to snap at my husband. Little things like the way he'd not wash or sterailise the bottles when she was a newborn, or even now when he get Liv all excitable in the half hour before bed and then mysteriously disappears when shes in bed and constantly pissing about and NOT sleeping. The rate at which I snap surprises me - I've never been one of them, I used to look at others and 'tsk' out loud, and now, well, here I am, I am one of them. Finding time for one another is also something that doesnt present itself openly, instead, if you want to find time to talk to your partner or yknow 'cuddle' then you best be willing to MAKE THE EFFORT. The thought of spending just 10 mins away from Liv used to feel me with utter dread and I used to bypass any affection with my husband because I just wanted to get back to my child! What I have found is the key in keeping things simple and dont overplan. remember the small things that made you love your partner for them just as they are  and just repeat. But make that effort!

What also surprised me is that my love for my child would often take over from my love for my husband. Why is it I find it WAY easier to forgive my child when its being a dick yet my husband? not so much. Y'see Liv melts my heart and makes me in to a bowl of mush so its easy to not hold anything against her, yet it took me by total surprise that here I was holding everything against my husband at the drop of a hat and not willing to let go. There was actual times that I looked at Liv and thought I love you way more than Mark. Obviously this was only temporary but the sheer thought of it was truly shocking.

Aside from all of this, what 3 years have taught me now that we have Liv (and now another on the way) is that we both have this most amazing bond. There is always going to be ups and downs,and moments of sheer horror, but at the same time there is something all kinds of special about creating a life together - there is no other way of taking care of that life than as a team. There will be times you'll look at your partner singing to the baby in the middle of the night, or teaching your child to play football and fall in love with him all over again. There is something very special about watching your man take charge and be powerful and protective to your child... thats love right there. 

Modes of transport

Dare I say I've started to think about what is actually going to happen when this teeny tiny human finally arrives into the world and what I might need to get sorted. Granted, I have ALOT of stuff already from when Liv was young, and we dont know the sex yet so we might still be able to use Liv's old clothes, but there are a few things that are playing on my mind and one of them is my mode of transport.

And I'm not talking cars. Pushchairs/prams etc etc. I am caught in a haze of what decision do I make. Currently, I have a REALLY old Quinny buzz that Liv adores and so do I but it is quite old (we brought it second hand) and to be perfectly honest I still shove Liv in there when I am out and about doing tasks (shopping etc) because lets face it NO-ONE appreciates a toddler who either walks at approx one step per hour whilst trying to pick up dried up chewing gum, or one that races around your feet at the speed of light, often tripping you up, and so, my thoughts of still using a pushchair with Liv remains., HOWEVER, Liv will turn two approx 3 weeks before the new baby is due and therefore THIS is where my conundrum begins...so my options are buying a double buggy (I dont know the first thing about buying a double buggy btw, all I know is that they are BIG) or dont buy one but buy a buggy board for my current one for Liv to hop onto if she is being a lazy ass, OR buy a baby carrier for the newborn so Liv can still have the Quinny. But herein lies the many issues that I am currently facing:

• What happens if Liv hits two and decides HELL NO is she being strapped down and therefore If I buy a double buggy wont get any use?
• What happens if I DON'T buy a double buggy and expect Liv to use a buggy board but what if the child is knackered and wants to sleep somewhere? 
• If I buy a baby carrier, and the baby is born in August and its HOT, will the baby even be able to go into it ON me - wont it be too hot?
• I am on the tightest budget ever

I just don't know what to do? I love the idea of a double buggy (obviously with an attachment for the newborn to have a carrycot to sleep) but what ones are available on the market at a reasonable price. I've been told continuously that Bugaboo Donkey's are AMAZING but I'm not gonna lie to you all, I cant afford a spare wheel off a bugaboo let alone buy one for real. How easy are these double's to fold up? and am I going to need a PHD to work out how to get out up? 

The idea of a buggy board also sounds appealing but then Liv gets mega scared at the roundabout at the park, so surely she's NOT gonna like standing on the board (plus she has a habit of sporadically jumping off the roundabout with no warning - thats gonna be hella messy on a buggy board, I dont fancy walking over my own child) 

Again with the baby carrier, I used a Baby Bjorn with Liv and yeah the thing pretty much broke my back but it was dead handy to have hands free, and with a toddler I'm thinking this is going to be key!?!? but will it be plausible to use this ALL the time with baby and therefore not need a pushchair/carrycot?

It truly is some sort of 4-wheeled rollercoaster and I truly don't know what to do for the best - SO I need your help. Any advice, opinions, brands to looks out for or to turn too, anyone wanna give me the winning lottery numbers so money is no object (just kidding... .NOT) Please help, my brain is frazzled! 

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance? 

14, 15, 16 and 17 week bump

Another update! Time just seems to be absolutely flying this time round. Dont get me wrong I know its not time thats going fast, it's just the fact that Liv is well and truly my distraction. Between running around with her, and dealing with the countless hospital appointments and playdates I genuinely sometimes forget that Im even pregnant - I dont however forget when I'm waking 5 times a night needing to pee! OH THE JOYS!

Overall:
The last couple of weeks have been a real mixture of feelings. Overall my mood is great - I'm managing to keep up some positive thinking, and reading my positive 'Yes Mum' cards are proving to be a great source of solace for me (more on these later) also surrounding myself with positive people is having such a great impact. Aside from my mood, physically I havent been particular great - I have had a few ups and downs but mostly I think the positive thinking is really helping me.

Size:
Yep, I still feel and look huge! Didnt help that I wet to family gathering at the weekend to only be told just HOW MASSIVE I was by pretty much everyone. So, either I am going to be giving birth to a T-Rex or my body is just so slack from first time round! It's certainly making 'dressing' really trying!

Symptoms:
Thank frick, the sickness has GONE! no more being on meds, no more rushing off at the drop of a hat to vomit in the nearest hidden corner (no, really) and at last I can FINALLY eat!!!
The sciatica is pretty much back to full throttle now, and sleeping is pretty much non-existant! I think I think I need to make this official: I dont think Im going to get a proper nights sleep for another GOD KNOWS HOW MANY YEARS! Ive tried different positions and pillows between my legs but its not helping one iota. My GP has said that it is just an unfortunate side effect and that I have to live with it, but Im still going to try and help myself: cue me googling non stop for exercises and products that can help!
Im getting alot of aches and pains down below, I think theres some more stretching going on, which is an odd feeling - I'd kinda forgotten all about this side of things.
Tiredness is still a common factor in my life and its not just a sleep thing, I feel more, exhausted this time round, and I'm pretty sure this is down to my over active toddler demanding I take her outside and run ragged after her ALL THE TIME!

Cravings:
Still loving the fresh orange juice but as for food, that is about it!

Sleep:
I WANT SOME!

Gender:
Still unknown. Still leaning towards thinking its a girl..... eeek!

Low point of this week:
Going to bed at 9pm most nights because I am so exhausted

High point this week:
Sticking to all my fixed plans I made the week previous and Liv having the time of her life!

I need you

I try my hardest to be there for anyone and everyone... it's just something inside me that I feel compelled to do. I like helping people, not because I get something out of it, I just do it because I hope that other people think the same in this world and go on to treat others the same. 

Recently I heard some news that truly shocked me. It was news that affected a friend of mine and the closeness to home hit me. My friends son, who was 2 years old at the time had been diagnosed with High risk, stage 4 metastatic neuroblastoma. A type of cancer that affects fewer than 100 children a year Reuben was one of these figures.

As tests promptly started on Reuben, each piece of news to his family seemed more devastating, as in 50% of cases of this aggressive type of cancer, his primary tumour was found in his abdomen but had already spread to bones and bone marrow before anyone had any idea. 

Just weeks before, Reuben had played alongside his friends at birthday parties and attended pre-school like every other happy 2 year old who was really looking forward to Father Christmas visiting.

He spent his 3rd birthday and New Year's Day in hospital, has undergone MRI scans, bone marrow and tumor biopsies, a blood and platelet transfusion, two rounds of chemotherapy to name but a few procedures. 

His journey has just started. And even though everyone they have encountered working in the amazing NHS are doing their very best to help their little boy,  the statistics make for grim reading and there will come a time, that we all hope, when he will be in remission and eligible for further treatment not yet available in this country. 

Over the next year Reuben and his amazing family will be turning their attention to fundraising efforts to help raise funds for overseas treatment once he is in remission. The initial costs for this are anticipated to be £250,000.

And this is where I come in, as a fellow mother (soon to be to two children) my heart goes out to them, and I cant NOT help. I cant even imagine how they cope every day, how they stay strong, how they continue to fight - they are all courageous, incredible human beings and this is why I must TRY to help. So here goes...

That's right, my beloved hair is going and in return I hope you ALL can donate something: anything, it doesnt matter the amount but I need you all.Forgo your daily coffee for a month, put down that pair of shoes you want, and say no to that bottle of wine, put yourself in their shoes: I would do anything in my absolute power to save or help someone in need and now you can do the same. Please donate HERE

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/Reubensfight 

As I look on at my daughter and feel utterly blessed, I feel compelled to help this family, my friends, get through the toughest battle yet.

PLEASE HELP.

International Women's Day

Girls, what a time to be alive.... seriously. As women we've always been pretty formidable but now, things have ramped up a level. We are finally being recognised as an equal sex, and gender worth taking note of. No longer are we being ignored, beaten down - finally we are being noticed for the kick ass.

I wanted to share the love on this International Women's Day of some ladies who quite simply I look up to in awe, the ones who make me believe I can do better, achieve more and be proud of me. So here goes:


Mother Pukka:

Mother Pukka or a.k.a Anna Whitehouse has been a formidable, mama in action creating a whole shit storm of kick assery! Not only does she speak to us mamas and papas on real, down to earth way about this thing we call parenting but this woman gives us so much more. Currently working on something called The Flex Appeal. Working her teeny stylish ass off for more flexible working which EVERY parent dreams of. This woman amazes me with her candidness, her ability to make us all feel as ease, the way she does everything with such style and flair (including wearing some pretty amazing lip colours) but everything she works on is for US, this remote, online parenting community. WHAT A LADY!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE,

Mother of daughters: 

This lady is my absolute girl crush - mama to 4, yes thats 4 young beautiful women, midwife by trade but all round amazing lady. Clemmie is someone I've followed on Instagram, read her blog Gas and Air from start to finish and just loved seeing grow into the superstar she is. Being a midwife by trade, Clemmie instill in us the power and knowledge we need to birth our babies the way WE want. Being pregnant with number two now this is something I am so keen to get right second time around, and following this woman has made me feel strong enough to do so. She's a girls girl, creating her stance in this world and well n truly leaving her mark - whilst parenting 4 girls! WOW!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE

Maia Grace Trudgian:

Another 'insta' fave of mine, and man this woman should be on the covers of magazines - just look at her, she's beautiful. Maia is my kinda girl, she is who she is, never shys away and dares to be different. Her wardrobe is like my DREAM and has a growing, owner of ever so successful business Lucky Little Acorns that she started all by herself. As well as being pretty darn the full package she is a superb mama to the stunning gorgeous little Bronte. She's just like you and me and brings her warmth to her Instagram. She's def one to follow.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and LuckyLittleAcorns site HERE

Susie Verrill

LOVE THIS LADY SO MUCH. She's the type of girl you long to be your best friend. She often makes me laugh so much I snort out my daily coffee on her Instagram stories, she has the hair of mermaids, the most gorgeous little boy who is probably the best dressed toddler Ive ever seen, oh and she writes the best blog I've read in a LONG time! My Milo and Me, is the first 'mummy blog' that made me nod my head in agreement, made me cry tears of laughter and also through the fact that someone else has made feel like Im not alone. Susie is a gem.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

The Mummy Diary

Ive known of Ellie for a while -we have worked together and well, she is just the loveliest lady EVER. Mama to 2 gorgeous kids, this woman has picked herself up and shown us all just how strong us women can be. Truthful, thoughtful, candid and owner of the best jelly shoes I've ever laid eyes on, this lady fully deserves an accolade. Her parenting and lifestyle blog is one of my favourites, and she loves cake... whats not to love?
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

Rachael Kellett

Rachael, in my eyes, was one of the first people who owned a brand selling MAMA type apparel. I fell in love with her MAMA tees and since then her little shop has got bigger and better. Since then, this amazing lady has given birth to another little bubba and yet shes added MORE products and is going great guns! The woman is unstoppable. She is also the owner of the best fringe and shiniest hair I've ever clapped eyes on.... win win!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Mother like no other

Becky is another mama who is taking the apparel world on, and beating it good and proper. I've followed Becky on Instagram for a while and I fall in love with everything she produces and the stories behind it Part of every sale goes towards a charity very close to my heart PANDAS, but most of this is a mama who is juggling being a parent with creating a brand, a kick ass brand that manages to team my FAVE colour combos together. Total love for this actual babe.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Go forth fellow women.... lets go be incredible together... lets build each other up....