I wasn't sure if I should write this, I certainly wasn't sure if I should press 'publish' either. In fact, I must have started typing and then stopped a gazillion times, but hey, here we are.
Liv is two years old, it has been two years since she was born and two years since I was in the midst of the most terrible mental health breakdown ever. Y'see I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my lovely Liv and therein began my journey, one of the most difficult and hardest journey I've ever experienced and probably will ever experience in my life.
I've talked very openly about my struggles with this debilitating illness, an illness that ruined the first 4 months of Livs life for me. I was stuck in my body, in my mind that wasn't ME. I felt no bond with my child, but at the same time my anxiety at being away from her reached fever pitch if I even dared to go upstairs in the house without her, I couldn't handle my husband going back to work after paternity leave and used to hysterically cry at the door, begging him not to leave me alone with this thing. Back then, Liv wasn't my child, she was this thing that was given to me, not even as a gift, but as a burden. She had taken away my existing life, everything that I had once known and loved. I was no longer me, I was being punished, I was living in hell. I hated myself at this person I had become and was, when whilst I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to be the perfect mum. There in came the day where I could no longer take it anymore and rang my midwife and begged her to come to me otherwise I was going to walk out on my daughter.... I had admitting this. I sound nuts, and in fact I probably was for a long while but something inside me told me I couldn't cope, I needed help. And thats where my long road to recovery began.
They call it a road to recovery purely because it literally has every twist and turn you could ever imagine. I've had moments where I genuinely thought i was getting better only for the next hour to feel like I wanted to disappear never to come back. I've been on medication only to think I was better and taking myself off them, then shortly having to go back on them. I've had counselling and different therapy, I've talked to friends and family, spoken to people I dont know about PND and tried to come to terms with just how much this illness affected me and those around me.
Two years since the diagnosis so where am I now? I am off medication and no longer have therapy. Do I still suffer from PND - absolutely. I think in my hear of hearts this 'thing' will never ever go away, I will just have some really good sound days and others where there is no other option but to cry my way through the day. Ultimately I've learn how to be kinder to me - being a mum is so draining both physically and mentally that I think unless you take time for you and be kind TO YOU, there will be no other way out than to drain yourself of who you are. I've also learnt to filter my relationships - no longer am I in contact with people who are toxic to me - those with too forceful opinions, those who drain me of the positive. Instead my small quota of friends is perfect and yknow waht? they like me for me. I try to be more open with my feelings too now - so when Im having a bad day I wont try to fake it, ill acknowledge how Im feeling, process it and hopefully move on. but dont get me wrong, there are still the very dark days.
Its no secret that I am petrified of having to go through the same thing post baby number two - it is filling me with dread and is, somewhat, taking away any kind of planning I might want to do for fear of not knowing 'how Im going to be'. My only way of getting through this is thinking how things, if they do go wrong, how I can change them and get help quicker. I have a much better support network than first time round and with my past I feel Im able to maybe talk about it a little more, I do sometimes think people are waiting to see if it DOES happen but hopefully this time round I can lean on the right type of people and get myself out from underneath the dark cloud quicker.
