13 week bump

Is it wrong to be HUGELY excited that I am posting my first bump update (albeit it already over a week late) but here I am/was 13 weeks!

I've been longing to do my first update and to hopefully keep it up - I never continued with Liv on a week by week basis so I felt like I dont have any markers to look back on, so here's hoping I can keep this up and it doesn't bore you all too much!

Overall:
I want to say I've been feeling a-ok but the truth is I've really not. As much as I enjoy pregnancy, this time round compared to my first, well, it couldn't be more different. Everything was plain sailing with Liv, but this time round I can't catch a break from the constant sickness and by constant I really do mean it. Suffering with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) has hit me well n truly hard this time round rendering me most days useless. My one saving  grace, believe it or not, is the fact I HAVE to carry on because of daydream having a toddler. Admittedly there has been way too many times when I've spent the morning/afternoon hunched over in the bathroom and had Liv 'pat,pat' me on the back (bless her) I THINK I may be coming out of the sickness tunnel by now only FEELING sick rather than actually BEING sick so I guess I should count my blessings. Aside from that, my tiredness is slowly seeping away and instead of brain-numbingly tired, Im just normal 'toddler tired' which is something.
It's a funny old thing being pregnant because despite me being sick as a dog I still consider myself so damn lucky to be in this position so every time I feel down I try to pep myself up with these thoughts.

Size:
I'm not gonna lie to you all, I am SO much bigger this time round than with the 1st pregnancy. Hell, I dont just look it, I FEEL IT. Im starting to wear a few bits of maternity clothes that I kept from the last pregnancy, especially the leggings because lets face it, those things are the most comfy things in the whole history of the world.

Symptoms:
Admittedly aside from the endless sicksville, other obvious symptoms have been taking a back seat. My boobs are still randomly sore, and Im still finding myself need to pee WAY quicker than my norm - but maybe this will subside soon too.
I'm suffering YET again with my back and sciatica (this time early on) so any advice would be greatly appreciated!
My mood is a little hard to write down because I feel like I'm a crazy woman lately - I flit from being happy to sad in the click of a fingers and Im trying to keep a handle on these feelings. Obviously with my past experience with postnatal depression there is an extremely high chance that I will get it again and also of prenatal depression. This time round Im trying to channel myself into more positive thinking, getting some needed 'me' time and working around positive affirmations (more on this another time)

Cravings:
STILL fresh orange juice. I am literally going through liters of the stuff and yes, I know its not particularly good for me but OH MY GOSH I need it.

Sleep:
Yeah...... With the problems with my back/sciatica my sleep has been increasingly more disturbed. I wake up about 4 or 5 times a night and am struggling to get back to sleep after. Truth be known, I was expecting to find this HARD to deal with, but I guess experience at lack of sleep has got me in good stead because well... I'm still functioning!

Gender:
Unknown, although I can't help but think it's a girl again, I would ever so LOVE a boy but beggars can't be choosers!

Low point of this week:
Feeling unwell in Sainsbury and having to ditch the trolley and run to the loo (obviously WITH Liv in tow)

High point this week:
Spending time with my Tuesday group - good friends are needed right now!

More next week...

One to Watch: The home of colour

I'm an absolute stickler for colour, and even more so on Liv - I just love seeing her dressed head to toe in bright pinks, fluro oranges, flashy yellows and anything with a crazy print. There's something about those zany prints and colour that just screams Liv and her equally colourful personality!

On a past blog I wrote about a site called Diddle Pigs and they've just had a revamp of their already brilliant site and added some seriously cool new lines.

First up is the brand Meri Meri! I hadn't even heard of these guys until the're very colourful selves popped up on the site. I'm not gonna lie to you but I am drawn to anything remotely 'pineapple' so it was love at first site of their Pineapple rucksack, also their pouches? I am SO having them as a makeup bag!

1 - Pineapple rucksack £18

2 - Cactus pouch £13,50

3 - Rainbow pouch £13.50
check them out HERE

Next up is Pebble Toys. I just love toys that arent plastic, I mean seriously I swear half my house is full of plastic tat and Im not even sure Liv enjoys it all that much. These knitted handmade toys not only look bloody great, but I cant bet your bottom dollar your kids will adore them. I may have to fight Liv off for these! 

1 - Flamigo cuddle toy £34.95

2 - Carrot rattle toy £6.95

check them out HERE

Now these next one, I pretty much want one in every colour. Mama Designs make the most super soft, super colour cellular blankets around. I'm not gonna lie, I want to use these blankets for round the house but alas, one for Liv is a necessity. We use blankets all the time in our house as shes a real sofa snuggler, but begone the boring bay pink, there is definitely a new blanket in town! 

1,2, and 3 £22.95

check them out HERE

Lastly, these little bad boys have featured on my previous blog and on my Instagram but I am still so in love with them it hurts. Badges have had a new lease of life lately and nothing screams statement more than these ones by Diglot. Real not perfect and You are enough badges are the perfect empowerment messages for us mamas every day. Sometimes we need to know that we are doing A-OK and are doing enough and these... well, these have given me some serious kick-ass moments! 

check them out HERE

For me, Diddle Pigs is a site that just works for me. Decent brands, amazing products with story and life and all run by a fellow warrior and mama. 

The one where I cant stand my own voice

Im talker, I love talking - to pretty much anyone and everyone. Im not necessarily good at it but I like it. I dislike silence and will always be that person who fills it with mindless chatter, thats just who I am. However as the days go on I'm becoming a little tired of my own voice - the shouting one.

I've always thought I'd be a calm mother, and y'know what I pretty much was... until Liv grew a whole new personality overnight and this is when it started, all day long, every day "don't touch that, dont do that, come here now, no, yes, dont you dare, if I have to tell you once more" these words not only make me sound like my mother but they are also the most used phrases used in my house. Liv is now 19 months old and with that has developed a defiant personality. She is beginning to push boundaries even I didn't think existed and I'm not gonna lie to you - its pushing every button of mine.

I thought the whole tantrum-thing was almost imaginary, deeming Liv a placid child who didn't show any inkling for the need to tantrum and not do as I say, but here we are, Friday the 17th February and mostly this week I have spent my time witnessing a whole new side to Liv and consequently being sick of the sound of my own voice. Dont get me wrong she's not being intentionally naughty but there is an element of defiance, going against what I've said JUST because. I know some of you may argue its the way I parent (I've always been on the softly softly side of parenting since she was born) and now I'm reaping the not-so-nice benefits, but in all honesty I actually dont know where I've gone wrong?!

I emergency text my friend the other day in some desperation over the sheer horrible-ness of Livs behavior and these exact words were typed out "it's like she hates me" because at that moment in time it really was like she did. I'm not sure if any of you other mothers agree, but the moment your child looks at you like that - well, that can make you feel all kinds of s*** and worst of all, I caught myself shouting at Liv. Who the hell have I become???

Catching sight of something that you swore you never would do is pretty HORRID, and it's constantly playing on my mind. Do I want to become that mum who spends her entire shouting at her child? Will my child rebel at me shouting and end up shouting at me? If I dont shout how the frick do I get over the tantrums? How do I make myself feel like Im controlling the situation? This part was NEVER included in my baby book, this was never discussed in my antenatal classes. and the worst thing ever... is my child just really naughty and am I the only one suffering?

If anyone needs me I'll be the one hiding in the corner....

Learning to be loved...

 

Happy Valentines Day all!

I've never been a HUGE one for Valentines day - I put it down to being way to commercial, expensive and unnecessary, however the truth is I've never really been on board with the whole 'love' thing.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and LOVE my husband, but my problem stemmed from when I was alot younger and was bullied for such a long period of my life for a multitude of things (think playground and teenage angst) that I never really understood HOW anyone could ever really love me. That seems like a really sad statement, but essentially it's true. I've never been a very big fan of my own self and was always told that 'how could I expect other people to love me, if I didn't love myself' and so, I thought, that this was me... not capable of being loved. It was no bother to me really... people were right - I could name you a gazillion things that I DIDN'T love about me, that surely no-one in their right mind would find things about me that they COULD love, that wasn't the way life worked. When I met my now husband I used to repeatedly doubt his decision and do various things in order to push him away and now, despite us being married and together for 14 years I still do it. However all that changed when I gave birth..

Along with the many 50 million things you get told when you're having a baby, the one thing many mothers will tell you is the instant rush of love you will have for this little bundle of flesh and that is undoubtedly and unfathomably true. The love you feel for this human is unreal, it goes beyond anything you've probably ever felt but what they dont tell you is how much you will feel, and you will learn, TO BE LOVED.

It was a totally new concept to me that this human could love me and actually show me that they loved me. Everyone used to tell me how hard parenting was and how selfish it was with the baby being all take, take, take and essentially for the first 6 months that is true (there's no sugar coating it) but hell... when that babe clings to you in the night, or runs to you when he/she hurts himself.. gah... that is the worlds most amazing feeling... to be loved and wanted by this tiny little person that you grew. I never knew that I was this likable person that could be fun, could be authoritative and could possibly make someone love them but seeing it through your child's eyes proves just how much I am loved.

My husband, albeit not his fault, is not the most affectionate or 'lovey-dovey' person and I get it... thats him, but seeing the way he looks at me when Liv kisses me or runs to me shouting "MUMMY" makes me see, right there, that I am loved and I can be loved. Babies/kids know nothing of the horror or complexities of this world and survive on basic emotions - life is essentially very simple for them, so seeing a child hold your hand, choose to come and sit on your lap, or stroke your foot when you drop a hard-backed book on it, suddenly causes you to open your god damn eyes and take it what is there, this 'thing' LOVES YOU.

This Valentines day I count myself very lucky - no cards, no flowers, no pressies, but with one tiny stroke of a small persons hand across my face makes me know I am loved beyond all means.

Chapter Two...

I always knew 2017 was going to be a good one - there were high hopes of a family holiday in the sun, some time away just me and the husband, some lovely dinner dates and alot of prosecco being consumed, our fortunes were going to be better, life was going to be simpler, and I for one was in a much better mindset.

Well... 2017 had a one hell of a laugh at me....

oh yes thats right ladies and gents. we're doing it all again! Baby number #2 is on its way - EDD August 2017! I'm not gonna lie to you, Im about as shocked as you all are. That's not to say its not a welcome shock, because hell its most definitely seriously wanted, HOWEVER it has come like a bolt of lightening. I dont think I'll ever forget the moment I found I was pregnant with Liv and I sure as hell wont forget this time round either. Rather un-romantically and UN-Instagram worthy, I had completely lost track of my period dates because lets face it I can barely remember to change my underwear these days, and so I suddenly thought whilst making toast shaped characters for Liv for breakfast one day that 'holy shit I haven't had a period' and so upstairs I ran (checking my daughter was safe obviously) I grabbed a test that was leftover from first time round (these things last right?!) and went for a pee. I forgot about the stick until Liv went down for a nap not thinking that there was a hope, but there it was.... a cross. positive. a big fat positive. I aint gonna lie to you, I couldn't finish the cuppa I made myself, instead I sat for a (long) while in silence.

It may seem that Im not happy about this news but hell, you couldn't be more wrong - I'm ecstatic but frigging hell, the shock, the fact it happened for us alone was pretty much a miracle (some of you know about my health issues) but my first thought went to Liv. How on earth was I gonna do this?

More on this and my other thoughts later, but there ya have it... I am with child... my second child. Holy crap, I am going to be a mum of two *gulp* hold on tight folks.....

The non-smiley, smiley baby

All babies are supposed to be smiley right? When you think of a baby you automatically picture this nice, serene little bundle of flesh, smiling away at everyone and everything. When you meet someones child, of course you want that child to like you and be the one that it smiles at, and I dont know about you, I wanted that child to be mine. When I was waiting for the arrival of my very own babe, I couldn't wait to see it's smile, and to have it beam at others and then be complimented! Ah THE DREAM.

All that changed when Liv came along.... Y'see Liv isn't your typical smile-r. and by typical I mean, she doesn't warm to people instantly, and quite often she wears the look of suspect on her tiny baby face. For me and my husband Liv always smiles and laughs and it almost comes easy, but have her look at anyone else? nope. No hello big smiles, no giggles when you tickle her, no toothy grins when you give her a treat, and lord almighty dont try to cuddle her. This wouldn't be so bad to me if I wasn't met with countless comments about how serious she is, or "someones not happy" I mean really?

Surely in life, as we grow up we are met with all kind of criticism, comments and judges from people so is it really fair to be judging a baby on the expression of her face? I think not. There is nothing more that rubs me up the wrong way, when people comment on how serious Liv is. I KNOW she is serious, I KNOW she's not smiling for you - I can see her too yknow, but the truth is I'm ok with it, but what I'm not ok with is people judging Liv on this basis alone. Of course, being typically British I go into panic mode when someone comments on her demeanor an make up stories as to WHY she isn't happy or doing her best Carol Smilie impression.

Liv saves her smiles and her enthusiasm for things that really get her going... hell, I've seen her laugh like a drain at a jigsaw puzzle once, she'll smile to herself when she feeds her toy baby and sometimes she even smiles for a complete randomer on the street - it happens, her face isnt broken. But she just figures everything out, she contemplates and so her squidgy features remain stoic. This may not last forever, but maybe she'll be like this forever but one thing you can bet you bottom dollar on is that if Liv does smile at you, she REALLY ruddy means it.