So on the 11th was my 3rd wedding anniversary. Me and my husband, Mark, have been together for a total of 14 years and married for 3 and its been an amazing journey however there are some real truths in the fact that relationships and marriage changes when you have kids.
I'm sure there are couples out there that are lucky enough to be devoid of such change and remain in a happy, non-argumentative relationship, however my relationship and marraige was not one of them. Me and Mark have been tigether ong enough to know each other inside out, and we adore the people that we are singually as well as together, however when Liv was born there was a real shift. My personality changed hugely, beyond all recognition and Mark's laidback nature was tested when the sleep deprivation crept in. In pregnancy you are taught just how muvh things are going to change in respect of having to look after this new, tiny human, and the physical factors, but I dont think I ever heard, or read about the impact havig a newborn/baby can have on a relationship (whether you are married or not)
I know each case is different, and I guess it can depend on what type of partners you are already, but for me I have always been a hugely independent person: i enjoyed working, earning my own money, socialising, shopping and spending time alone. Me and Mark both had hobby-heavy lives that were often seperate from each other but sometimes together: it worked. However in came a baby and my hobbies stopped, my pasions changed and my neurosis grew. I no longer wanted to spend money frivulously on myself, I didnt want to go out drinking until 3 in the morning - my aim was my child. However Mark was able to split himself into two and keep the life that he once had and take onboard a new role too. I found this hard: why couldnt I still kept this side of my life, why didnt I have it in me to still remain the person I was. I knew deep down inside it didnt bother me, I was so in love with Liv that nothing mattered but here I was, the only one seemingly making changes in my life and it made me angry... jealous even.
I know they say women are expert at juggling many different things in life, and hey, dont get me wrong I feel I do this every damn day, but I couldn't juggle my emotions. My pre-baby self used to go about my life in a carefree manner however post-baby, everything mattered to me. I couldn't separate myself from my role as a mother and essentially lost 'Sarah' in all of this. And then came the laborious night feeds, where I used to get up every hours and watch as my husband slept soundly. I used to stare across in the dimly lit room, my eyes stinging with tiredness wishing I could swap places, I wanted to use the fact I was going to work as my reason for needing more sleep. Then came the responsibilty - hell, I was in charge of this actual human being whilst my partner was at work, doing what he ALWAYS did, I actually had to keep this thing alive! The pressure was huge and insurmountable. Whats his bad day to the fact that I have to try and keep a human alive everyday?!?
I began to snap at my husband. Little things like the way he'd not wash or sterailise the bottles when she was a newborn, or even now when he get Liv all excitable in the half hour before bed and then mysteriously disappears when shes in bed and constantly pissing about and NOT sleeping. The rate at which I snap surprises me - I've never been one of them, I used to look at others and 'tsk' out loud, and now, well, here I am, I am one of them. Finding time for one another is also something that doesnt present itself openly, instead, if you want to find time to talk to your partner or yknow 'cuddle' then you best be willing to MAKE THE EFFORT. The thought of spending just 10 mins away from Liv used to feel me with utter dread and I used to bypass any affection with my husband because I just wanted to get back to my child! What I have found is the key in keeping things simple and dont overplan. remember the small things that made you love your partner for them just as they are and just repeat. But make that effort!
What also surprised me is that my love for my child would often take over from my love for my husband. Why is it I find it WAY easier to forgive my child when its being a dick yet my husband? not so much. Y'see Liv melts my heart and makes me in to a bowl of mush so its easy to not hold anything against her, yet it took me by total surprise that here I was holding everything against my husband at the drop of a hat and not willing to let go. There was actual times that I looked at Liv and thought I love you way more than Mark. Obviously this was only temporary but the sheer thought of it was truly shocking.
Aside from all of this, what 3 years have taught me now that we have Liv (and now another on the way) is that we both have this most amazing bond. There is always going to be ups and downs,and moments of sheer horror, but at the same time there is something all kinds of special about creating a life together - there is no other way of taking care of that life than as a team. There will be times you'll look at your partner singing to the baby in the middle of the night, or teaching your child to play football and fall in love with him all over again. There is something very special about watching your man take charge and be powerful and protective to your child... thats love right there.
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