Spanners in the works...

My first pregnancy went pretty much simply.. there were elements of surprise like every single pregnancy but overall there was nothing that worried me. I was lucky. So of course, it's part and parce lto just assume that my second pregnancy would go exactly the same right? WRONG.

Let me first say, that by no means is it the worst case scenario, but this whole pregnancy has taken me and my health by surprise.

First up there was falling pregnant in the first place. After being diagnosed with a chronic bowel condition and being on strong drugs for a long time and having various operations the chances of me concieving were pretty much nowt. I was told by the Dr to pretty much expect a case of secondary infertility and with that my dreams of having a second sproglette disappeared. For someone who never thought she'd have children in the first place the way the news hit me shocked me more than I could've imagined - however I guess one managed to make it through and there I found myself seeing two lines on that magical little stick.

I knew that the chronic bowel condition could lead to complication is I was so lucky as to fall pregnant and for this reason alone I was told I would be under consultant led care rather than midwife this pregnancy, however due to my family history with high blood pressure and in my late pregnancy I had slightly raised blood pressure it meant my problems were going to be slightly exasperated. I've had endless trips to both my GP's for BP checks, and to the hospital for meetings with my consultant to check how Im doing which was fine - both of these scenarios I was already aware of an felt mentally I could handle them.

As some of you may already know, I had my 20 week scan the other week (a little late than expected) and we found out we were expecting another little GIRL, however alongside this we were told that
my placenta is low and therefore I was going to need more monitoring. I hadn't read much into this and awaited my antenatal clinic appointment at the hspital to talk it through with my consultant, and  this was when I was well n truly scared out of my wits. The very kind, lovely Dr told me all about the risks of a low lying placenta, mine is partially covering the cervix (TMI), the hope that it might move, the emphasis on what to do if I start bleeding, the fact there is a high chance of bleeding, how I might need to be admitted to hospital for bedrest, I was told no sex (as if Id be doing that anyway) heavy lifting and to avoid any trauma and of course my risk of now having to have a C-Section delivery, something I can't even process right now. I've been given two extra scans to check on the baby for both growth (due to blood pressure) and positioning of the placenta. I am also back to the clinic in 4 weeks again.

In the car on the way home, I cried. This was all so scary to me. This teeny tiny baby that was, in my mind, growing healthily, was depending on me and my body to take care of it, to nurture it and here I was being told that my body wasnt doing as it should. I had risks coming out of my ears for various things and all I could feel was disappointment. Obviously we dont get to pick the hand of cards we are dealt with, but all I could see before me were women with simple pregnancies, all getting that amazing birth and for me I felt like my options were diminishing before my very eyes. After looking into the placenta issue a little more I have heard from so many of you that it is actually quite common for it to be found on the 20 week scan and then move into a more preferred position after, obviously I can only hope I am part of this group. I felt a bit silly after saying I was quite upset by it as I know many of you have had the same news as me and everything has turned out ok. It's weird, I felt like this body of mine was letting me, my husband and my unborn child down. The baby was healthy, it was ME who the problem was with, my body was failing at doing the one thing it should be doing.

I guess there is no other option than to wait and see, which for anyone who knows me is like torture. Im going to try and channel my energies into thinking positive... thats gotta help right?

Third wedding anniversary - things I know now with children

So on the 11th was my 3rd wedding anniversary. Me and my husband, Mark, have been together for a total of 14 years and married for 3 and its been an amazing journey however there are some real truths in the fact that relationships and marriage changes when you have kids.

I'm sure there are couples out there that are lucky enough to be devoid of such change and remain in a happy, non-argumentative relationship, however my relationship and marraige was not one of them. Me and Mark have been tigether ong enough to know each other inside out, and we adore the people that we are singually as well as together, however when Liv was born there was a real shift. My personality changed hugely, beyond all recognition and Mark's laidback nature was tested when the sleep deprivation crept in. In pregnancy you are taught just how muvh things are going to change in respect of having to look after this new, tiny human, and the physical factors, but I dont think I ever heard, or read about the impact havig a newborn/baby can have on a relationship (whether you are married or not)

I know each case is different, and I guess it can depend on what type of partners you are already, but for me I have always been a hugely independent person: i enjoyed working, earning my own money, socialising, shopping and spending time alone. Me and Mark both had hobby-heavy lives that were often seperate from each other but sometimes together: it worked. However in came a baby and my hobbies stopped, my pasions changed and my neurosis grew. I no longer wanted to spend money frivulously on myself, I didnt want to go out drinking until 3 in the morning - my aim was my child. However Mark was able to split himself into two and keep the life that he once had and take onboard a new role too. I found this hard: why couldnt I still kept this side of my life, why didnt I have it in me to still remain the person I was. I knew deep down inside it didnt bother me, I was so in love with Liv that nothing mattered but here I was, the only one seemingly making changes in my life and it made me angry... jealous even.

I know they say women are expert at juggling many different things in life, and hey, dont get me wrong I feel I do this every damn day, but I couldn't juggle my emotions. My pre-baby self used to go about my life in a carefree manner however post-baby, everything mattered to me. I couldn't separate myself from my role as a mother and essentially lost 'Sarah' in all of this. And then came the laborious night feeds, where I used to get up every hours and watch as my husband slept soundly. I used to stare across in the dimly lit room, my eyes stinging with tiredness wishing I could swap places, I wanted to use the fact I was going to work as my reason for needing more sleep. Then came the responsibilty - hell, I was in charge of this actual human being whilst my partner was at work, doing what he ALWAYS did, I actually had to keep this thing alive! The pressure was huge and insurmountable. Whats his bad day to the fact that I have to try and keep a human alive everyday?!?

I began to snap at my husband. Little things like the way he'd not wash or sterailise the bottles when she was a newborn, or even now when he get Liv all excitable in the half hour before bed and then mysteriously disappears when shes in bed and constantly pissing about and NOT sleeping. The rate at which I snap surprises me - I've never been one of them, I used to look at others and 'tsk' out loud, and now, well, here I am, I am one of them. Finding time for one another is also something that doesnt present itself openly, instead, if you want to find time to talk to your partner or yknow 'cuddle' then you best be willing to MAKE THE EFFORT. The thought of spending just 10 mins away from Liv used to feel me with utter dread and I used to bypass any affection with my husband because I just wanted to get back to my child! What I have found is the key in keeping things simple and dont overplan. remember the small things that made you love your partner for them just as they are  and just repeat. But make that effort!

What also surprised me is that my love for my child would often take over from my love for my husband. Why is it I find it WAY easier to forgive my child when its being a dick yet my husband? not so much. Y'see Liv melts my heart and makes me in to a bowl of mush so its easy to not hold anything against her, yet it took me by total surprise that here I was holding everything against my husband at the drop of a hat and not willing to let go. There was actual times that I looked at Liv and thought I love you way more than Mark. Obviously this was only temporary but the sheer thought of it was truly shocking.

Aside from all of this, what 3 years have taught me now that we have Liv (and now another on the way) is that we both have this most amazing bond. There is always going to be ups and downs,and moments of sheer horror, but at the same time there is something all kinds of special about creating a life together - there is no other way of taking care of that life than as a team. There will be times you'll look at your partner singing to the baby in the middle of the night, or teaching your child to play football and fall in love with him all over again. There is something very special about watching your man take charge and be powerful and protective to your child... thats love right there. 

Modes of transport

Dare I say I've started to think about what is actually going to happen when this teeny tiny human finally arrives into the world and what I might need to get sorted. Granted, I have ALOT of stuff already from when Liv was young, and we dont know the sex yet so we might still be able to use Liv's old clothes, but there are a few things that are playing on my mind and one of them is my mode of transport.

And I'm not talking cars. Pushchairs/prams etc etc. I am caught in a haze of what decision do I make. Currently, I have a REALLY old Quinny buzz that Liv adores and so do I but it is quite old (we brought it second hand) and to be perfectly honest I still shove Liv in there when I am out and about doing tasks (shopping etc) because lets face it NO-ONE appreciates a toddler who either walks at approx one step per hour whilst trying to pick up dried up chewing gum, or one that races around your feet at the speed of light, often tripping you up, and so, my thoughts of still using a pushchair with Liv remains., HOWEVER, Liv will turn two approx 3 weeks before the new baby is due and therefore THIS is where my conundrum begins...so my options are buying a double buggy (I dont know the first thing about buying a double buggy btw, all I know is that they are BIG) or dont buy one but buy a buggy board for my current one for Liv to hop onto if she is being a lazy ass, OR buy a baby carrier for the newborn so Liv can still have the Quinny. But herein lies the many issues that I am currently facing:

• What happens if Liv hits two and decides HELL NO is she being strapped down and therefore If I buy a double buggy wont get any use?
• What happens if I DON'T buy a double buggy and expect Liv to use a buggy board but what if the child is knackered and wants to sleep somewhere? 
• If I buy a baby carrier, and the baby is born in August and its HOT, will the baby even be able to go into it ON me - wont it be too hot?
• I am on the tightest budget ever

I just don't know what to do? I love the idea of a double buggy (obviously with an attachment for the newborn to have a carrycot to sleep) but what ones are available on the market at a reasonable price. I've been told continuously that Bugaboo Donkey's are AMAZING but I'm not gonna lie to you all, I cant afford a spare wheel off a bugaboo let alone buy one for real. How easy are these double's to fold up? and am I going to need a PHD to work out how to get out up? 

The idea of a buggy board also sounds appealing but then Liv gets mega scared at the roundabout at the park, so surely she's NOT gonna like standing on the board (plus she has a habit of sporadically jumping off the roundabout with no warning - thats gonna be hella messy on a buggy board, I dont fancy walking over my own child) 

Again with the baby carrier, I used a Baby Bjorn with Liv and yeah the thing pretty much broke my back but it was dead handy to have hands free, and with a toddler I'm thinking this is going to be key!?!? but will it be plausible to use this ALL the time with baby and therefore not need a pushchair/carrycot?

It truly is some sort of 4-wheeled rollercoaster and I truly don't know what to do for the best - SO I need your help. Any advice, opinions, brands to looks out for or to turn too, anyone wanna give me the winning lottery numbers so money is no object (just kidding... .NOT) Please help, my brain is frazzled! 

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance?