Lets talk taboo: Money guilt

This is probably going to invoke alot of anger in alot of people but its one I've wanted to write about for a long time. Y'see I'm part of a family that live on very limited income. I am a 34 year old female who earns just over a £100 a month with an additional just over £100 from child benefit income. My husband works every day (non stop I might add) and pays for absolutely everything within our lives: mortgage, all of the household bills, all petrol and insurances for cars, and anything that should require funding urgently. My money goes on food and baby necessities like nappies etc. We are left with a single figure once all the bills come out every month and I am unable to claim any further money in benefits.

We cant afford a holiday or a break away. We cant afford to go for days out at amusement parks nor can we randomly decide to go out for lunch over the weekend. Any plans over the weekend HAVE to be free and if we go to any parks or any organised family fun days I have to take a packed lunch and not buy anything out. We don't go clothes shopping we simply look for second hand or free donations, I havent purchased new underwear for myself since the first time I fell pregnant with Liv and I purchased maternity knickers - I still wear these. I cant afford to have a hair cut and will trim and dye my hair myself. I no longer get my nails done, nor do I ever eat out with the kids. When I take the girls out,  the only money we spend is from their family benefit which I get - normally the activity is soft play or something cheap, however now I have to start paying for Paige it is making life harder. The kids will sometimes (rarely) eat out but I will not, I will go without. I don't go out to socialise separate from the girls as every penny of my money is allocated to the girls and the various items they require such as food and toiletries. A date night for me and mark hasn't happened in a while and the last time we spent money on each other was I cant even remember when.

Whilst this is just the life we lead, let me tell you how hard every day is: from the requests from the girls for various things (even down to wanting a fruit shoot I cant afford to buy) to having to say no to friends and activities (whether for me or the girls) as we simply cant  afford to do what other people do. Every day I look at others on social media: Instagram and Facebook and want to cry. Mum's having time out with their kids in a coffee shop, days out at fun looking places, shopping hauls and videos showing off what they spent. My food shopping is calculated down to the nearest penny - I write everything down and take a calculator to work everything out before we get to the till because I'll literally only have a £20 note to spend (I dont own credit cards)

Alot of people will moan at this post because why on earth are we deciding to have another child when clearly we cant afford it - the reality is, we didn't plan to have another baby so soon. A 3rd was always part of lifes plans but just not this soon and it hurts to think that here we are, I cant even afford to buy the new baby clothes (it's a boy this time and all we have is girls stuff) so we are literally having to see what we can find second hand. I quite often cant sleep at night through feeling so guilty that tomorrow I cant give the girls what all their friends are having, or how am I going to work out what Im going to give them to eat thats remotely healthy.

People sometimes look at us and think we must have no money worries - Im a lady who doesn't work for heavens sake, the truth is, I cannot AFFORD TO WORK. I work in the evening (although have just gone on maternity leave) but as much as Id love to go back out to work full time I have no childcare for the girls and simply am not qualified enough to get a job that pays more than the childcare costs and surely whats the point of going out to work if all you're paying for is for someone to look after your kids?!? Everyone assumes I am lucky to be a SAHM but let me tell you my everyday life is filled with immense guilt and worries, the only solace I seek sometimes I spending time with my girls and how much love I feel for them.

Sometimes I feel bitter but most of the time I feel sad, and under immense pressure (and so must my husband). I wish I was like other families and could give my girls better but I am simply keeping my head above water to give them the minimum of which I can. Sometimes Instagram, Facebook and Twitter can deceive you, not everything is at it seems. I felt the need to write this because I feel no-one talks about the drain a family can have, how sometimes the benefit system doesnt support those that arent the obvious ones that need it and this is a really taboo subject. Money is often seen as something you shouldn't talk about but yknow what, this is something that can have a huge impact on every day life which obviously can then in turn affect your mental health.

Mindful parenting

Now, Im not going to lie to you, I am really not any expert in being mindful or even staying remotely calm or patient in life BUT I am most definitely seeing the appeal of living a more mindful life, not just for me, but for the girls too.

We live in a day and age that is oh so disposable, selfish, fast paced and at times lacking of any depth and it scares me to think that my girls have to try to grow up gracefully and carefully in this day and age without seeing them fall subject to the bad side of the way people live. So I have been looking into living a more mindful existence with the girls and practicing parenting with more mindfulness in well, mind. Like I first said, this is not something I feel I know ALOT about - I mean I try, and I work really really hard to be more mindful of my surroundings and the way I conduct myself but I also lack  ANY kind of patience, I am swayed by anything remotely social media wise and spend alot of my life comparing my life to others, which is well, just a little shit.

Liv is a timid character, she doesn't like confrontation, doesn't like shouting and is easily overrun by very large characters and large crowds. She's a real thinker and it takes ALOT for her to open up to anyone. My decision to be more mindful was predominately more with her in mind, but it is something I'm trying to practice more myself so in turn I would like to parent and raise my children more mindful.

So, err, how do you BE more mindful when you parent? Well thats a little easier said than done to explain. I began by reading... reading alot. I've read many articles about how to begin the mindfulness journey, some of the books I've read I will link to below, but here it is, some of the pinpointers I have used to try and parent more mindful.

Be more mindful yourself

What is it they say? Practice what you preach? Well, exactly this. You wouldn't teach your kid how to tap dance if you couldn't do it yourself would you?! I've been trying to make more of a conscious effort to live a more mindful life (easier said than done with two kids and being constantly stressed) Firstly I've been trying guided meditations whenever I get a chance, so normally late at night. Admittedly they do make me fall asleep but the thought is there!

Why do you want to teach your kids?

To be fair when I first got thinking about mindfulness and teaching it to the girls I wondered whether this would give me some kind of miracle technique to somehow abolish tantrums and bad behaviour - I WAS WRONG. Mindfulness is all about being aware of thoughts and feeling both inside and out. Being aware of their surroundings, to recognise when they're minds have wandered. Dont set your expectations too high - remember there is no changing a toddler!

Practice breathing

This is something I've always done with Liv to a certain extent: Liv can sometimes really work herself up - she used to do this so much she'd hold her breath and turn blue (I KNOW!) and so I used to guide her through breathing: slowly and calmly. I'd breath with her and get her to focus on me. The ideas are the same. Maybe try and play a game with your little ones where they watch the rise and fall of their breath - using toys or simply watching their belly. Bedtime is normally a nice time to do this.

Go for a walk

This is the easiest of all mindful activities to do - simply go for a walk with your little ones, leave your phone at home and talk to them about what they notice about their surroundings. Ask them to spend a minute listening to the sounds and after a minute get them to tell you what they can hear - this is incredibly soothing for everyone involved!

Ask them for a personal weather report

Sounds a bit silly but asking how they're feeling is a great way to practice mindfulness, however being a kid the chances of them being able to articulate the way they are feeling properly is slim to none. For Liv we use the weather to compare how she is feeling - sunny, shiny and happy, or overwhelmed and cloudy. Sounds silly but it really helps Liv to be aware of how shes feeling and understand that its ok to feel whatever she does feel.

Happy Memories

I often ask Liv to tell me at the end of a day or week what she really enjoyed doing or seeing. Remembering a time that made her especially happy is so cute and lovely and also ALWAYS makes liv smile again - its so lovely to hear.

If you're looking to read up more about activities and how to teach mindfulness to your kids in more depth there are a couple of books that I've read that I would definitely recommend:

"Sitting Still Like a Frog - Mindfulness exercises for kids"

I found this a nice, simple and clear book about practicing mindfulness with the girls.Has good sections on falling asleep more easily, alleviating worry and managing anger. A nice little read.








Mindful Monsters

This fab website is a monthly subscription pack whereby each month you will get a pack of seven activity cards to enjoy with your kids, all inspired by mindfulness. The cover subjects such as Creativity, Relaxation, Positivity and Concentration. Costing £7.50 each month I really like the idea this.

Overall, I'm really enjoying trying to be more aware in life and if anything, it certainly opens your eyes a little more to the way kids think, and to concentrate more on the here and now.

Why is it so hard finding friends when you're a mum

I'm two kids in now and I've come to realise I'm rather thin along the ground for having real friendships. Since the age of about 30 I've realised that I am lacking a space in my life for a best friend, a close knit community of friends. And then along came having a baby and all of a sudden I found a new hurdle in the way of making friendships and keeping them. Right now, I'm lucky to have a very very small group of mum friends who I get on with but with having more than one child and another on the way our schedules are changing and with that opens up, for me, the need to make some more friends whether they be mums or not.

I'm 34 now and a fairly social being - I like to have plans, I like to chat, I like to go out with or without kids but mostly I crave interaction. But making friends in this day and age is HARD. All too many times I find people flaky - its a pet hate of mine. If you want to meet up with me - meet up with me, if you dont or have no intention then dont make plans with me, and then there's some mum friends who only like to do things with their kids which is absolutely fine, but I'd love to have friends that can do both - surely having the opportunity to sit in peace whilst eating a croissant and drinking a hot drink whilst conversing with likeminded women isn't a bad thing!?
Some only like to go out and do activities at attractions whereas i like doing everything on a budget so even a cuppa round mine is welcome.
But mostly I find it hard to make friends because there are too many mums out there living a competitive life when it comes to raising kids. I am what I am - what you see is what you get. I swear (alot) and I feed my kids jam sandwiches and let them eat haribo as a treat - thats me. I totally get I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but in this day and age shouldn't we be accepting of others and their ways of life? I dont harm anyone and I adore my kids sometimes a little too much. My parenting isn't perfect but then who's is? is there a right way to parent? I welcome all mums and all kids - I dont think any child is naughty, nor do I think any mum is too earth mother - we are all on our OWN journey through motherhood where there is no written right or wrong (obv apart from harming children but you get me)
Just the other week I toddled off to a toddler group with both girls. I decided now was the time to put myself out there, make friends, make the effort. However upon arrival I was ignored, stared at, told I shouldn't be drinking coffee (because Im pregnant) and then stared at by the many tight knit groups of women/mums thats surrounded the circle play area. I felt out of my depth, scared and in the spot light. I tried to make chat with one lady who then proceeded to keep telling me I have my hands full, how Paige will have the "poor middle child syndrome" etc all advice that someone you haven't met, probably didn't need.
To me motherhood and pregnancy included, isn't a race - there is no child that progresses too early or too late - they simply do it at their own speed when its right for them. There is no perfect or easy pregnancy or birth - all pregnancies and births are incredible in their own ways. Everything about this stage in a woman's life is equal to the next. Why, do we, in conversation feel the need to compare and contrast - of course listen to one anothers stories and experiences and delight, rejoice and entertain them, but for heavens sake dont compare them to your own, they are individual. Is this why I struggle to find friends for life? Am I picking the wrong type of women to try and be friends with?
For me, my friendships come above and beyond most things and I will go 110% for them. If I make plans with you I will damn sure make sure I am there. If I say I'll do something or arrange something, I will sort the shit out of it good n proper. There is never too much effort on my part - I go all in. I'm so stupidly loyal that personally I think I need to be reincarnated as a  war dog or something because I will never ever leave my band of friends, I will do anything and everything for them, sometimes to my own detriment of my own health. but why do I find others not like this? I'm easily forgotten, I get let down alot, people dont socialise with me or want to half the time. People never ask me about me, never show an interest in me and will often talk over me or glaze over in conversations.
Back at an old job I took a Dale Carnegie course which I swear changed my life - it taught me so much on how to conduct myself, how to have friends, how to be a better person. Dale Carnegie was the person that wrote the book "how to win friends and influence people" and let me tell you, this book was everything to me to read. It made me conduct myself so differently. The one thing I remember vividly was to how to create an interest from people and that was to always talk about THEM - everyone loves talking about themselves, it makes them feel cared for and wanted and so here I am, at 34 STILL living my life this way and yet I am lonley.

Life with two - the truth

I never ever thought about what it would be like to have two kids whilst I was pregnant with P  for two reasons: 1 - I was already busy enough with a certain little lady and 2 - I was afraid that If I actually thought about it too much, I would be put off. As a parent of just one I had got myself settled yknow - we were in a routine, me and Liv had each other down to a tee: I could tell what her actions would be like depending on her moods, she knew how I would react to certain things - we were kinda as one if you get me, and life was relatively easy, but enter another baby, and well, noone can guess what those little mounds of flesh are going to be like.

And so, with little P's arrival and 5 months down the line, here's what I know now about life with two:

- you think you couldnt pee in peace first time round? You're lucky if you even get time to pee AT ALL now. Try to shower? Yeah... good one.
- There will always be one child getting ignored: so for me it is mostly P - sounds horrific but Liv can talk and well, we all know what the sound of 'MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY' sounds like on repeat... you cant ignore that shit.
- You will always have dirty clothes. So when you had one, the odd snot mark was way more easier to hide, but with two? you are covered. HEAD TO TOE. If its not P vomming on me, its Liv wiping her snotty, dirty hands on me.
- Time is now of the absolute essence. In fact my days are running of that similar to the military. Every hour is planned out to make sure chores are getting done, that we sometimes, occasionally get to leave the house, and the kids are fed and watered.
- Don't ever try to be on time for ANYTHING. It takes me an age to get the two ready and OUT THE GOD DAMN DOOR and therefore I am always late. I am sometimes 30 mins early at the start of the morning, but get close to leaving time? Yep, I'm late.
- Your pace will move. alot. slower. If its not the toddler walking at a snails pace, its the fact you have to carry the life barnacle in the car seat that weighs the earth, forcing you to walk at approx one step per minute.
- Going anywhere takes baggage. I'm talking BAGS. There snacks for the toddler, change of clothes for both of them, nappies for the baby, bottles, formula, the odd random toy, some bribery chocolate/sweets.. the list is endless. And after packing all of that, you can bet your ass you'll forget your purse or keys.
- You will literally lead your life BRIBING the older child. I have to carry around a pack of haribo in order to get the kid to do anything that is outside of what she wants. Don't get me wrong she can be really compliant most of the time, however, normally when Im pushed for time, she will refuse point blank to do what I need her to do. "put your shoes on" SWEETIE. "Can you just be quiet whilst I feed P" SWEETIE "if you pick up your toys i'll give you a  sweetie" SWEETIE.
- Just when you think you're going to get sleep, ONE of the kids will become ill and wake. If you manage to get sleep with both babes you have practically won the lottery.
- You will hear yourself constantly saying "not now mummy's busy" to the eldest, that and saying their name for what seems like the 2949586747925 time that hour.
- Illnesses seem to like company so when one catches a bug, give it approx 3 days and the other child will catch it. and then when they are all better, you will contract the lurgy but of course not be able to rest.
- Childcare gets harder. Taking on one child isn't too daunting for friends, but two... well.... two brings a whole new favour to ask....
- Bath and bedtime is err..... MANIC.
- Unless your eldest is potty/toilet trained, be prepared to pretty much spend your day knee deep in nappies.
- Nap times will become the holy grail, and you will also spend from 4pm on official countdown for bedtime.
- Keeping track of what both babes are up to requires SKILLS. Master this one asap.
- The love and cuddles is magnified. You get two of everything and it frigging well is AMAZING. You cant beat a good baby squish cuddle and feeling the arms of you eldest wrapped round you whispering in your ear, they love you.

Two years...

Holy crap, Liv turned two. I mean, TWO YEARS OLD GUYS! I can barely remember what it feels like to not have children (well, I do, and let me tell you it was a darn sight quitier, cleaner and stressfree) but at the same time my life IS Liv, she is my day and night. When Liv turned one it was more of a happier occasion for me - yes it was sad that the time seemed to of flown by but at the same time I was kinda glad she was a year - this was the time that everything got a little easier right (and she slept more yes) However with this second year I can't deny that it really bitter sweet.

Liv has changed beyond all recognition since her first birthday - the year in the run up to turning two I think must contain the most changes in a baby into a toddler - obviously most children start walking and then babbling, going into talking and this was true with Liv. She morphed before your very eyes, daily, into a little lady. Day by day, little by little she does something different, something more advanced, something more grown up, something that manages to make me giggle. New words, new mannerisms, new bolshy grown up girl behaviour. I look back to her first birthday in utter awe - HOW was she ever that small and shall we say innocent and this is why it is so difficult to see this 2nd birthday come bounding in.

I stil remember when Liv was a baby I was warned taht time really does fly and even in her first year I believed it to be true, but none more than the year to two. I feel like Ive barely blinked and its gone. Of course, alongside the year that has just gone has come its more troublesome times - I mean they dont call the terrible twos exactly that for no reason! Liv has developed a stronger sense of character, and determination and alongside this has amazed me with her stubborness and sometime temper tantrums that come part and parcel - however overall, Liv has blossomed. I couldnt be anymore prouder of her than I am right now.

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So, for her birthday we had PLANNED to throw a themed party, but after Liv's baptism and celebration I was exhausted and the thought of having to host another party and go to all that effort honestly left me in a cold sweat! and so we decided to have a very low-key 'beach' themed celebration in our garden with close loved ones and it was so much fun! Liv had great fun and most of all it was  so easy for me too - it was so unstressful! There was no mad decorations, no party bags, no crowds of people, little expense for us it really was such a joyous day. We had cake of course - I mean its not a birthday without cake and to follow on with theme 'beach' theme I baked Livs birthday cake in the style of a beach - it came out alot better than I ever expected! The sun shone the whole day and there were so many lovely moments for Liv and us to remember!

For this years birthday we got Liv a wendy house, which was second hand and she fell in love with. We put down some fake grass so Liv could have her own little garden and hung some summery bunting - I wanted to live there!
So as much as it was so bittersweet to see another year pass in her tiny life, it was definetely a good way to celebrate - with those who are important to her. And just like that, shes two, and as for me, I shall still hold onto those baby years and probably call her my baby forever but I will try my hardest to look to the future and be excited to see the person she grows into when she turns 3!

10 ways to boost productivity as a stay-at-home mum

One thing I seemed to really struggle with post having a baby and then the consequently giving up work was how to be productive! Days would simply merge into one another, time would pretty much disappear (either going by two quickly and you haven't done anything, OR going so slowly you cannot believe you've still got 6 hours left of single parenting until the husband gets home) I would drift from one meaningless task to another and never making headway with pretty much ANYTHING. I would make excuses or I would start and never finish about a gazillion jobs and then be so overwhelmed with the task in hand that I'd sink back into the dark hole of feeling a bit blue.

I like to be busy, who doesn't, and yes being a full time mum is a type of busy but its a lonley, unrewarded type of busy and that, for someone who has always enjoyed working, was finding hard. Some days I would seriously wonder what my purpose was. I didn't mean it in a selfish way, and it doesn't take away just how much I adore my daughter and how privileged I feel at being able to stay at home with her, it was a very personal feeling, a pre-baby feeling, the 'old Sarah' type feeling, and something had to change.

Small changes have led me to feel more wholesome in my quest to be more productive. Time really IS of the essence when you have kids and you want to do something else with your time/life and finally I feel I may have achieved a small glimmer of hope in this side of my life - so here are my top tips at boosting your productivity when you are a SAHM.

I would find myself writing endless long 'to-so' lists that just weren't achievable. YES - I really did have that much to do, but even looking at the list made the entire thing seem so unachievable in the small space of time I had, that I just didn't even want to begin and so the sofa seemed WAY more appealing.
I learn to filter down this list by aiming to complete just 2 things from that list per day. They didn't have to be two big jobs, but two jobs none the less. I instantly felt unpressured and felt I was more than capable to achieve what I was setting out to do. Filtering in time for just two jobs is WAY easier than finding hours on end to complete your list WHILST having a small person yell "mummy" at you for the 600th time.

If I completed these two jobs I wouldn't add to them, or feel like I had to do more, this was it, I was done. Everything else was for me or dedicated to Liv. I also felt I could schedule these two tasks much better on my weekly planner! Don't aim to high and shoot yourself down before you've even had a chance - you're worth more than that!

Sounds utterly trivial, but I have a weekly planner that I manually fill in either on a Sunday or Monday with the weeks tasks and goals. So I always feature Liv's plans, meal ideas and my tasks that I need to get completed. Get involved in some crazy kick-ass stationery - Paperchase is of course my go to favourite and for the small amount they cost it really makes you feel empowered to write all of your ideas and plans down.
I stick mine to my fridge so it's at an easy place to glance at every day. I feel more organised, more centred and less confused about what I should be doing and when! If it works better for you by doing it on your phone DO IT, but make sure you make the time to religiously do it every week!

I was the worst for wasting nap times. I used to set up  camp and just eat, watch tv and scan instagram and before I knew it, Liv was awake and again I'd achieved zilch in my day. Now, dont get me wrong, we all look forward to nap time as a way of chilling out so no matter what, limit yourself to a fixed time that you will achieve any tasks or goals you've set for yourself. I know Liv naps for an hour and a half so I'll work for 45minutes and the rest is relax time for me. Even if you use nap times to put some washing on and then go and relax for the remainder - you are STILL being productive. reward yourself. Remember dont set your goals or tasks to high - do what you can effectively.

If you're child doesnt nap, use the morning times to set your toddler up with an activity that requires minimal supervision and if it means putting on their fave tv channel for just an hour out of the day then so be it - dont be ashamed!

If you are planning on doing work such as blogging, writing, or any other computer based activity why dont you set yourself up a work station. One that fills you with comfort and relaxation. It can be anywhere - hell, even in bed if you wish, but creating an environment, away from too many distractions is best. For me, I use my kitchen table to blog from when Liv naps. I light a candle, lay my laptop out, have a pen and paper handy, a banana and a glass of water or mug of tea before I set to work. Set yourself up with meaning, get cushions on your chair, and even change into comfy clothes if you must. Make it a pleasurable experience.
I find I work better without the tv or music as I am queen of distraction however I continuously find the app 'Noisli' either on the laptop or on my phone as having some background noise. It's amazing how much more I find my ideas flow and how faster I work. My fave sound? the coffee shop! Find it here

Sounds absolutely ludicrous if you are a SAHM but if your child sleeps in until say 7am most mornings, why not schedule in for just one morning a week for you to wake up an hour/half hour earlier to do something for you. Whether it be a early morning run, some yoga, reading your fave magazines with a hot brew in silence or even choosing to do some housework. One morning a week isnt too much and you'll be amazed at home much you can get done with an extra hour. 

Don't get me wrong, I know when you've been up copious times in the night with little one the last thing you want to do is to wake up earlier but take each circumstance as it comes and be kind to you. The world is not going to stop because you didn't do this, just do it another day. And if your child wakes up at 6am or earlier everyday DONT go getting up an hour before that, instead use the early morning to be productive, do your chores, have a longer breakfast, get washed and dressed and you'll soon realise how much more time you have for the rest of the day. Try to turn the frown upside down!

You most definitely can't pour from an empty cup - trust me its true. Remember to keep your strength up by snacking and drinking often. I was finding myself leaving eating until the last minute so I would gorge myself on all the wrong stuff and then crash in the afternoon making myself feel sluggish and lazy. Now, I snack on fruit and veg sticks, and drink copious water.I was amazed at how dehydrated I had been before I purchased a water bottle. I know it sounds so simple and pathetic, but having a snazzy water bottle by the side of me reminded me to keep drinking, keep the fluids up and I instantly felt fuller and of more energy. That's not to say I dont have treats. BOY I HAVE TREATS, but I save them for the evenings so if I feel a bit BLAH, I can go to bed knowing Ive done everything I want too.

I'm a firm believer that reading and looking at things online that are of interest can create and stir something inside of you that boosts your productivity. Every morning I log onto Twitter, Instagram and read my fave blogs. I'll watch the latest news in between various episodes of Hey Duggee that Liv is watching and after getting immersed in the world of social media for no more than an hour I feel full of life and more creative. Look for things that catch your eye. It could be a headline that stirs a response in you that you want to blog. A play idea that you cant wait to try with your little one, or a place to visit as a family - social media is most definitely your friend when used wisely!

As much as social media can be a great tool, if like me and you love it a little too much, it can also really really hinder productivity. You can easily lose countless hours by scouring the internet with absolutely nothing to show for it. It also tends to make me feel like a pretty bad mum if I'm on it for too long when Liv is busy playing. Again, I limit myself to certain times (normally early morning and during nap times when I have done anything I want to do and when Liv has gone to bed). Pick your times wisely and when you're not on social media or on phone, delve deep into life in front of you and be present.

So if  you done well in your job you would receive praise, or a reward and whats to say this is any different. Look at you, you are a SAHM who has also managed to achieve everything on her weeks to do list! I mean superwoman! I give myself a little reward if I've done well, a morning out at the weekend to go drink coffee in peace, a new nail varnish, a whole hour of non stop tv watching... ANYTHING you like, but be proud of you - you deserve it!

And hey, if the day just isnt going to plan and the productivity is at an all time low DON'T WORRY. Grab a kiss and cuddle off your little one and trust me you'll feel a million times better. You are keeping a little one alive for Christs sake that is more than enough sometimes! 

Enough love for two

The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?

I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.

Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.

I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?

As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.

Seeing double

So now we know what colour it is, things are suddenly getting oh so real, and dare I say it, I've even started to plan or at least THINK about the things I may need, and even stuff that I definitely do not need second time around ( its amazing how wise you get to the tatt you dont need) Following on from previous posts, all I can currently think about is pushchairs or prams. I've started to think that maybe, just maybe a double is the way forward - it makes sense to be able to shove both my sprogs into one place right? but the real question is - where do I start?

Pushchairs and prams to me are a market that is inundated with brands announcing the new/best yet pushchair that is potentially going to make us mums lives WAY easier (however unless this pushchair is going to do the night feeds I dont buy into it) I find searching out the best products really hard and this is definitely proving harder than most. We are a one wage household with me not working and so literally every penny counts so when it comes to possibly buying a new pushchair its absolutely gotta be the right decision - we can only do this once guys! So after countless evenings spent glued to my laptop and bugging the sh** outta my 2 kid friends I've made a list of 'doubles' that have made it to my 'most wanted' list!

I'm not gonna lie to you but I totally and utterly fell in love with this Phil and Teds double pushchair as soon as I saw it. It's like a work of art. They have obviously REALLY thought about this. The variations are endless and thats what is just so darn appealing. My biggest worry with making this decision is obvious - getting it wrong and picking a pushchair that just doesn't work, but I cant see how you can with this Phil and Teds option.
So, the nitty gritty, the Voyager has a really cool looking 4 in 1 seat that pretty much grows with you and the kids - starting life as a lay flat bassinet, progresses to a versatile seat that is fully reversible. Then add in the double kit - the second seat is fully adaptable as the main seat which is rare in a double - the double can convert to a double lie flat which is fab if you were having twins, the double kit then reverts to the upright stroller - everyone's happy right?
Now, Im not gonna lie to you, I dont know how easy this folds up, although according to the site its really straight forward which again, if it does, is a definite winner for me, I cant be doing with anything with too many bits and pieces to put together!
Price - it aint cheap BUT I do think you are getting alot of options and quality for your money. Priced at £599 for the Voyager as it is and an additional £159 for the double kit doesn't make it easy on the purse strings HOWEVER I do think its a good looking pushchair and seems to have all the bells and whistles you'd want from a double and for me, the versatility sells it and puts it straight into the top for me.
Go have a look at their website HERE for more info

I'd never heard of an Out'n'abount pushcahir until one of friends rocked up in one last time we went out for a walk. I had already had experience of the Baby Jogger brand and this looked quite similar, but when I looked the closely the seats looked completely different: more cosy and more suited to a newborn. I went straight home and researched the crap outta them. From first sight the Out 'n' About is a sturdy looking double pushchair with the capabilities of really going off-road. Both seats recline independently so obviously you can seat different aged children, and there is an additional newborn support which you can pop in to enable you to take a much younger one. The difference with the latest Out 'n' About they now have individual sun hoods, which would do well to avoid any arguments! 

Now the one absolute biggest plus points with this double is that it is slimline to the point where it measures 72cm wide so will most definitely fit through most doorways And it only weighs 12.8kg so is pretty much one the lightest double's on the market, which for me who lacks ALL kinds of upper body strength is a definite selling point!

So, price... this is a great 'ALL IN' kinda pushchair with no additional charges to make it into a double if you know what I mean, however they do some pretty nifty accessories to go with this (I'm loving the handmuffs!) Priced at £524.95 you kinda get what you pay for. These tend to last a long time (or so Im told by friends who own these) and they sell well second hand!

Go check them out HERE

This looks very similar to the Out 'n' About featured above but this one boasts being the most slimmest of the doubles on the market which has always been a big tick in the pushchairs boxes for me - I have trouble steering a single so lord only knows what ill be like with a double!?!? This pushchair is also easy-peasy to create into a single as well as a double so if Liv grows out of it sooner than anticipated I've still got myself a proper nice pushchair for the baby! It has a one-handed unfold which with two kids I'm imagining is ideal (noone wants to drop a baby right) and it is suitable from newborn right up until 4 years old which I think is so ruddy cost-effective! One thing I was mis sold when I got my Quinny was how quickly Liv might grow out of it, whereas this seems like the perfect solution! 

Again, this has the individual sun hoods so each child can relax in the sun or shade as they like, and the wheels pop off super easy for easy storage or fitting into the car! This pushchair seems to really have it all and reasonably priced too! Working out at roughly £495 this is a great spend considering just how much use you are going to get out of it! I'm already sold!
Go check it out HERE

This is pretty much the holy grail of pushchairs in my eyes - I just love Bugaboo, I have been known to stare at other mums Bugaboo in longing! And this double Bugaboo is just..... *sigh* lovely! The Bugaboo Donkey is a mono-duo-mono stroller, with either a side luggage-basket and a large under basket to store all your crap (if you're anything like me) with large swivel multi-terrain wheels that will manovere over any surface and a one piece handle bar makes the pushchair so simple to use. You can expand or downsize in just a matter of clicks. The only thing that slightly worries me is the fact it is a two piece fold which is a little rubbish for me, but I guess if its still easy peasy then I could be swayed.
Reclineable and reversible seats make this stroller easily customiseable. Now, the price...... well, I have to be realistic here, there is no way on gods green earth I could ever afford one of these, despite them being oh so pretty..... However I have been looking at second hand ones. So, the prices start at approx £1,000 however, the price really does rise with the addition of their many 'must-want' accessory's.
Go check them out HERE

I'm not going to lie but I had never heard of the brand Joolz before so this pushchair really caught my eye. It looked proper high-tec (how old am I) and really swish too! It seemed to really suit my need for a double for a toddler AND a newborn rather than a double that can just lie flat.
The carrycot features a hypo-allergenic and breathable mattress that is suitable for your baby to sleep in at night, and the sun hood has a rather nifty ventilation opening made from a mesh fabric that can be opened in order to let the fresh air flow through which is so handy for giving birth to a summer baby.

As for the sat section of the pushchair the footrest is fully extendable so no rogue dangling leggies for your toddlers, and is fully reversible to rear or front facing. Has four wheel suspension making a comfortable ride for baby and toddler (and you) and is smooth flowing when turning. 

I personally think the only down side with this one is having the newborn/baby in the carrycot at the bottom of the pushchair. It just seems weird to be having your precious cargo so low to the ground, not to mention having to bend down that low...
Priced at £899 for everything you get a lot for your money, and it does look really impressive (along the same swish lines as a Bugaboo, however Im not sure as to the positioning of this one but it does have the elusive one motion fold down! 

Available HERE

So guys - HELP ME! Does any body have any recommendations? Not just for these but for ANY doubles? I'm so at a loss and with only 3 months to go... I'm getting scared!

Modes of transport

Dare I say I've started to think about what is actually going to happen when this teeny tiny human finally arrives into the world and what I might need to get sorted. Granted, I have ALOT of stuff already from when Liv was young, and we dont know the sex yet so we might still be able to use Liv's old clothes, but there are a few things that are playing on my mind and one of them is my mode of transport.

And I'm not talking cars. Pushchairs/prams etc etc. I am caught in a haze of what decision do I make. Currently, I have a REALLY old Quinny buzz that Liv adores and so do I but it is quite old (we brought it second hand) and to be perfectly honest I still shove Liv in there when I am out and about doing tasks (shopping etc) because lets face it NO-ONE appreciates a toddler who either walks at approx one step per hour whilst trying to pick up dried up chewing gum, or one that races around your feet at the speed of light, often tripping you up, and so, my thoughts of still using a pushchair with Liv remains., HOWEVER, Liv will turn two approx 3 weeks before the new baby is due and therefore THIS is where my conundrum begins...so my options are buying a double buggy (I dont know the first thing about buying a double buggy btw, all I know is that they are BIG) or dont buy one but buy a buggy board for my current one for Liv to hop onto if she is being a lazy ass, OR buy a baby carrier for the newborn so Liv can still have the Quinny. But herein lies the many issues that I am currently facing:

• What happens if Liv hits two and decides HELL NO is she being strapped down and therefore If I buy a double buggy wont get any use?
• What happens if I DON'T buy a double buggy and expect Liv to use a buggy board but what if the child is knackered and wants to sleep somewhere? 
• If I buy a baby carrier, and the baby is born in August and its HOT, will the baby even be able to go into it ON me - wont it be too hot?
• I am on the tightest budget ever

I just don't know what to do? I love the idea of a double buggy (obviously with an attachment for the newborn to have a carrycot to sleep) but what ones are available on the market at a reasonable price. I've been told continuously that Bugaboo Donkey's are AMAZING but I'm not gonna lie to you all, I cant afford a spare wheel off a bugaboo let alone buy one for real. How easy are these double's to fold up? and am I going to need a PHD to work out how to get out up? 

The idea of a buggy board also sounds appealing but then Liv gets mega scared at the roundabout at the park, so surely she's NOT gonna like standing on the board (plus she has a habit of sporadically jumping off the roundabout with no warning - thats gonna be hella messy on a buggy board, I dont fancy walking over my own child) 

Again with the baby carrier, I used a Baby Bjorn with Liv and yeah the thing pretty much broke my back but it was dead handy to have hands free, and with a toddler I'm thinking this is going to be key!?!? but will it be plausible to use this ALL the time with baby and therefore not need a pushchair/carrycot?

It truly is some sort of 4-wheeled rollercoaster and I truly don't know what to do for the best - SO I need your help. Any advice, opinions, brands to looks out for or to turn too, anyone wanna give me the winning lottery numbers so money is no object (just kidding... .NOT) Please help, my brain is frazzled! 

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance? 

Judgement day

As a 20 something, childless, unmarried woman, being judged or judging someone was not even on my radar. I used to go about my daily life just BEING, happy as larry with not a  care in the world. If someone had made a judgement on me I probably wouldn't of cared, a young carefree mind will do that - you just don't worry. Fast forward to now, a grown woman in her 30s (33 to be exact) and I find my every day life is just crammed full of judgments, and from the least expected people.

First up came the judgments over not being married to my long term partner and not being bothered about it - "surely you think its time to get married, you've been together far too long to still be boyfriend and girlfriend" Next up came the decision to have children - "So... it wont be long before you two are going to have children". The endless comments and judgments came thick and fast - people are opinionated, I get that but sometimes this obvious views of MY life from OTHER people was a little hard to stomach.

Of course when Liv came along, the style of judgement changed and from whom they came from. Strangers, family, friends and dare I say it, other mothers. Style of feeding, type of routine, style of parenting, occupation - pretty much everything warranted SOME kind of opinion or judgement from others. Now being a 30+ fully grown adult, these opinions and judgements DO affect me. No more Miss carefree, every word and comment affect every part of my everyday life - I hold the words inside me and just like that, when Im alone, or having a bad day they all come back, spoken to me, out loud. Making me self-doubt. Self-doubt when youre a parent is soul destroying - how can you teach your offspring about the positive, happy things in life ? to remain positive? I look at the things I do and wonder if I'm failing my child, failing my husband, failing myself - just those few words from a person can cause me to self doubt my entire being.

I hope those people who DO judge, read this and realise that the few tiny words that fall out of their mouths can have an affect more than they realise, and how detrimental it can be to fellow mothers.

Lets learn to be kind, compassionate and most of all: NON JUDGEMENTAL. You never know when you might NOT want to be judged.

The one where I cant stand my own voice

Im talker, I love talking - to pretty much anyone and everyone. Im not necessarily good at it but I like it. I dislike silence and will always be that person who fills it with mindless chatter, thats just who I am. However as the days go on I'm becoming a little tired of my own voice - the shouting one.

I've always thought I'd be a calm mother, and y'know what I pretty much was... until Liv grew a whole new personality overnight and this is when it started, all day long, every day "don't touch that, dont do that, come here now, no, yes, dont you dare, if I have to tell you once more" these words not only make me sound like my mother but they are also the most used phrases used in my house. Liv is now 19 months old and with that has developed a defiant personality. She is beginning to push boundaries even I didn't think existed and I'm not gonna lie to you - its pushing every button of mine.

I thought the whole tantrum-thing was almost imaginary, deeming Liv a placid child who didn't show any inkling for the need to tantrum and not do as I say, but here we are, Friday the 17th February and mostly this week I have spent my time witnessing a whole new side to Liv and consequently being sick of the sound of my own voice. Dont get me wrong she's not being intentionally naughty but there is an element of defiance, going against what I've said JUST because. I know some of you may argue its the way I parent (I've always been on the softly softly side of parenting since she was born) and now I'm reaping the not-so-nice benefits, but in all honesty I actually dont know where I've gone wrong?!

I emergency text my friend the other day in some desperation over the sheer horrible-ness of Livs behavior and these exact words were typed out "it's like she hates me" because at that moment in time it really was like she did. I'm not sure if any of you other mothers agree, but the moment your child looks at you like that - well, that can make you feel all kinds of s*** and worst of all, I caught myself shouting at Liv. Who the hell have I become???

Catching sight of something that you swore you never would do is pretty HORRID, and it's constantly playing on my mind. Do I want to become that mum who spends her entire shouting at her child? Will my child rebel at me shouting and end up shouting at me? If I dont shout how the frick do I get over the tantrums? How do I make myself feel like Im controlling the situation? This part was NEVER included in my baby book, this was never discussed in my antenatal classes. and the worst thing ever... is my child just really naughty and am I the only one suffering?

If anyone needs me I'll be the one hiding in the corner....

Learning to be loved...

 

Happy Valentines Day all!

I've never been a HUGE one for Valentines day - I put it down to being way to commercial, expensive and unnecessary, however the truth is I've never really been on board with the whole 'love' thing.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and LOVE my husband, but my problem stemmed from when I was alot younger and was bullied for such a long period of my life for a multitude of things (think playground and teenage angst) that I never really understood HOW anyone could ever really love me. That seems like a really sad statement, but essentially it's true. I've never been a very big fan of my own self and was always told that 'how could I expect other people to love me, if I didn't love myself' and so, I thought, that this was me... not capable of being loved. It was no bother to me really... people were right - I could name you a gazillion things that I DIDN'T love about me, that surely no-one in their right mind would find things about me that they COULD love, that wasn't the way life worked. When I met my now husband I used to repeatedly doubt his decision and do various things in order to push him away and now, despite us being married and together for 14 years I still do it. However all that changed when I gave birth..

Along with the many 50 million things you get told when you're having a baby, the one thing many mothers will tell you is the instant rush of love you will have for this little bundle of flesh and that is undoubtedly and unfathomably true. The love you feel for this human is unreal, it goes beyond anything you've probably ever felt but what they dont tell you is how much you will feel, and you will learn, TO BE LOVED.

It was a totally new concept to me that this human could love me and actually show me that they loved me. Everyone used to tell me how hard parenting was and how selfish it was with the baby being all take, take, take and essentially for the first 6 months that is true (there's no sugar coating it) but hell... when that babe clings to you in the night, or runs to you when he/she hurts himself.. gah... that is the worlds most amazing feeling... to be loved and wanted by this tiny little person that you grew. I never knew that I was this likable person that could be fun, could be authoritative and could possibly make someone love them but seeing it through your child's eyes proves just how much I am loved.

My husband, albeit not his fault, is not the most affectionate or 'lovey-dovey' person and I get it... thats him, but seeing the way he looks at me when Liv kisses me or runs to me shouting "MUMMY" makes me see, right there, that I am loved and I can be loved. Babies/kids know nothing of the horror or complexities of this world and survive on basic emotions - life is essentially very simple for them, so seeing a child hold your hand, choose to come and sit on your lap, or stroke your foot when you drop a hard-backed book on it, suddenly causes you to open your god damn eyes and take it what is there, this 'thing' LOVES YOU.

This Valentines day I count myself very lucky - no cards, no flowers, no pressies, but with one tiny stroke of a small persons hand across my face makes me know I am loved beyond all means.

The non-smiley, smiley baby

All babies are supposed to be smiley right? When you think of a baby you automatically picture this nice, serene little bundle of flesh, smiling away at everyone and everything. When you meet someones child, of course you want that child to like you and be the one that it smiles at, and I dont know about you, I wanted that child to be mine. When I was waiting for the arrival of my very own babe, I couldn't wait to see it's smile, and to have it beam at others and then be complimented! Ah THE DREAM.

All that changed when Liv came along.... Y'see Liv isn't your typical smile-r. and by typical I mean, she doesn't warm to people instantly, and quite often she wears the look of suspect on her tiny baby face. For me and my husband Liv always smiles and laughs and it almost comes easy, but have her look at anyone else? nope. No hello big smiles, no giggles when you tickle her, no toothy grins when you give her a treat, and lord almighty dont try to cuddle her. This wouldn't be so bad to me if I wasn't met with countless comments about how serious she is, or "someones not happy" I mean really?

Surely in life, as we grow up we are met with all kind of criticism, comments and judges from people so is it really fair to be judging a baby on the expression of her face? I think not. There is nothing more that rubs me up the wrong way, when people comment on how serious Liv is. I KNOW she is serious, I KNOW she's not smiling for you - I can see her too yknow, but the truth is I'm ok with it, but what I'm not ok with is people judging Liv on this basis alone. Of course, being typically British I go into panic mode when someone comments on her demeanor an make up stories as to WHY she isn't happy or doing her best Carol Smilie impression.

Liv saves her smiles and her enthusiasm for things that really get her going... hell, I've seen her laugh like a drain at a jigsaw puzzle once, she'll smile to herself when she feeds her toy baby and sometimes she even smiles for a complete randomer on the street - it happens, her face isnt broken. But she just figures everything out, she contemplates and so her squidgy features remain stoic. This may not last forever, but maybe she'll be like this forever but one thing you can bet you bottom dollar on is that if Liv does smile at you, she REALLY ruddy means it.

Life goes on...

From the very moment I became a mum (it still seems weird saying that) my life pretty much changed. How? pretty much completely. For me, the old Sarah stopped, she quit, she went on a very long holiday if you like. I changed as a person both physically (hello mum tum) but mentally as well. Im not sure HOW or even WHY, but something unexplainable shifted in me and I became the new Sarah, the mum one. At first I didn't think this was a bad thing,this was normal something had to change right? however 18 months on, Im starting to wonder...

Y'see when I look around at other mothers (cue my daily comparisons) I see these amazing women still doing what they've always been doing but just with a baby in tow: going shopping, coffee and lunch dates, going for nights out (without baby) meeting friends, doing their same jobs, looking the same - nothing really changes for them. I look at myself and realise there isn't much of me thats left since Liv came into the world.

Dont get me wrong I still look like me, I mean I didn't have a face transplant or something, but no longer did I go out clothes shopping, I didn't like taking Liv to a coffee shop, I turned down lunch dates and holy hell, I cant even begin to tell you the last time me and my husband had childcare so we could 'go out'. I haven't been drunk since Liv, I haven't even been tipsy, I very rarely wear heels and I dont think I've properly got dressed up (in clothes other than my lounge wear) my every single thought in life is Liv. Literally, every damn thought. I cant drink too much because I have Liv the next day, I cant wear those heels out because Liv might want to go traipsing around, I cant meet you in Costa or out for lunch because Liv might not like it and she might cause a scene. Everything in life revolves around this little human for me. At night I make sure Im quiet so we won't wake her. I go food shopping based on her likes and dislikes. I gave up my job (one that I hadn't been in long but that I was starting to enjoy) to be with her every day and I've seen many a friend come and go because Liv is 100% my entire being.

Just writing the above makes me sad, and embarrassed. How could I have become one of those women who has let themselves drift into obscurity, fall into this foggy space where no-one quite knows where she is anymore. Surely this makes me a sad human being to let myself go like this?

Just the other day I had a 'discussion' with my husband and he said this "life goes on Sarah, just because we have a child doesn't mean life stops" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly what I have done and become. Liv is 18 months now and getting more and more independent and even now I struggle to think of there being a time when she might not need me 24 hours a day anymore. For these 18 months my life, my soul and entire being has been about her and I'm not sorry, but by Jove I dont half feel that maybe I need a little bit of me back?

Before you all think Im slightly cray cray let me state there is no WAY I regret doing what I did and still do - Liv is an amazing child who has given me a life I never thought I deserved to have but I do miss me a little. I mean I dont miss the girl who tends to get drunk on 2 glasses of wine but hey, I wouldn't mind a little of the old me back.

So how do I do it? I have not one fig of a clue, but Im calling this #operationoldme and will let you know how on earth I find my way BACK to where I used to be.

Did anyone else experience the same? any hints and tips to help allow for life to go on?