The post I never wanted to write

I've started and restarted this blog post over 30 times and I  still feel Im not going to do it justice or properly articulate how I feel, this is the post that I never ever wanted to write.

I found out I was pregnant. Hooray, balloons, streamers, congrats, happy wishes - or so you would think but just 3 days after finding out I was pregnant, I started bleeding. At 9.30pm my world came crashing down. I cant stress enough that of course we weren't trying to have another baby as Paige is only 8 months old, it wasn't planned as such BUT we had always wanted 3 children and so despite it being a little sudden, it was most definitely wanted and already loved. I had yet to tell my husband as I was due to see the midwife. I just wanted to check everything was ok before I put mark through anything unnecessary (meaning the shock of us having ANOTHER baby), but ironically, the night before the appointment, at 9.30pm when I was lying on the sofa I felt something odd, like something had burst from underneath me and I instantly felt wet - as I reached down below in my trousers, there it was, a trickle of blood. My entire insides immediately ran cold and I felt physically sick. I had never experienced bleeding before so I just laid back down on the sofa in the hope that it would stop, or somehow I had made a terrible mistake and was imagining it. But it didn't stop, it started to gush. It felt like I was going for a wee, but of course I wasn't. I got up and the blood became to drip out; through my underwear, through my trousers and onto the rug below. I froze. I didn't know what to do - where do I go? what do I say? Mark was out at the time and with both girls nestled safely asleep upstairs. All I could think of doing was to ring 111 - they explained that I had to wait for a call from the on call dr but of course there could be a little wait. As I sat in my dining room, with blood flowing, my thoughts turned to the baby. The baby I knew I was losing. The baby that had shocked me, the baby that had come as a surprise but that would now be leaving me. I knew at that point I would have to call my husband home, and break the news - I was expecting but possibly losing it.

An hour had passed, and whilst waiting for the GP to call I had to break the news to Mark about him being a father again to also maybe dealing with losing the baby. It was both devastating having to tell him and see him deal with it. I just felt so guilty that it was my body doing this to the three of us (me, Mark ad baby) The GP had advised that I needed to go to A&E straight away. The drive there felt like the longest, through every turn in the road, I could feel the blood flowing out of me, soaking into another pad and I felt powerless, I didn't want to move as i suddenly felt it gush, I keep my legs crossed but upon uncrossing it would flow back out. My MIL who drove me to the hospital was amazing, she was someone who had been in a similar situation and I didn't need to make conversation with her - she just KNEW how I was feeling. Even when the tears flowed she just gently soothed me - there was nothing to be said, nothing to be discussed. When waiting at the hospital I began to think... surely, I had done this. I was the one who had carried on like normal, taken no pregnancy vitamins, I hadn't been kind to me body. My periods had stopped in January y'see and I saw a GP who said that my recent increase in dosage of my antidepressants was the cause of the delay/or stopping of my period (apparently its very known) and of course because I didn't believe I COULD be pregnant this soon after Paige I went along with it. So here I was feeling all the blame - could I have rested more? could I have taken more folic acid? could I have done something to make this happen to me? As the people filter in and out of A&E I wondered if anyone was trying to guess why I was in there? Did I look pregnant?
Hours seemed to drag by, blood tests, cannulas, admitting to the A&E ward and then being transferred to the gynecology ward all the while I could feel the life slipping away inside me. I know I should've tried to be more positive but in my heart of hearts something didnt feel right anymore. I wasn't allowed anything to eat or drink just in case I needed a procedure and in some ways I was secretly glad. I didn't want to go for a wee, I was scared. scared that everytime I sat on the toilet that id see more blood, and Id see my baby fall out of me. There was no longer any rational thought left in my head, and I was sure there would be no tears left. It's an odd one because as you're lying there in the hospital bed, just lying, waiting to hear the outcome there is often a few seconds where you feel fine, almost like a weird out of body experience, like none of this could be happening to you but then like a jolt , you are right back there.... in limbo hell.

I cant explain what it feels like to not know whether your baby is dead or alive. The waits were agonizing and when I was told that the head consultant I needed to see had just been rushed into surgery so you would have to wait it was even more agonizing, heartbreaking almost. I wanted someone, anyone to put me out of my misery. I know it wasn't their fault - hell, they were doing a great job but the minutes very quickly turned to hours, and I was exhausted - through crying and being awake all night. When the consultant was free, he explained that obviously the symptoms weren't looking good for me but they would do a ultrasound to confirm what we all suspected. Upon  entering the ultrasound room there was a room full of people, 5 different student doctors, my consultant and a nurse then obviously myself and my MIL - it was daunting, however all the student doctors asked whether it was ok to be there during this which I of course said yes - I was passed caring. My exact words were "can you just tell me my baby has died and let me go home"  I was sobbing uncontrollably and so was my MIL when the doctor began the ultrasound and his first words were "well your baby is alive" I coudn't believe what i was hearing it was an absolute shock, that feeling in the pit of your stomach where everything just drops. I couldn't believe my ears. He told me to face the screen and showed me the little baby bouncing around inside with its heart beating loudly away - so many questions flooded my mind: how? why? what? he moved the scanner along and said he could tell us why I had been bleeding. It was then that we found out I had miscarried a twin baby.

My heart broke - I was so emotionally split between grief and love all at the same time. I was beyond ecstatic that there was this little baby alive and well growing inside me but at the same time my other baby had died at 12+4 weeks old. Its brother or sister, another addition to our family. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant with twins prior to this it didn't mean I didn't love the being any less. I felt numb, shocked. The Dr looked at me like I should be so happy but in reality I felt nothing. I felt I couldn't smile, I'm not even sure if I felt relieved. I immediately felt like I was missing something in my life, something had been taken away from me too soon and I hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to him/her. I had no clue where to go from thereon - what do I do now? and even now, 3 weeks down the line I have no idea how I'm feeling. I cant articulate how I feel - in conversations I feel it necessary to glaze over it - no-one wants to hear about miscarriage, no one wants to hear about a dead baby, noone wants to hear about how I walk around with two of the most beautiful daughters in my life yet still feel like something huge has been ripped from me.



I've had friends who have suffered miscarriages before and tried to be the best a friend I can be, but the reality is, I couldn't for the life of me EVER imagine what they're going through, it is only now that I can, in some small way, feel the way they must've been feeling. So here I am, stepping through the days in some hope this baby can survive all its been through, hoping that I can get through this pain that sneaks up on me every so often. I have two already beautiful girls and please dont think I dont appreciate that - because those girls are the ones holding me together right now, its not about them nor is it really about me - its about loss and I need to accept it, take my time over it, digest it and learn to carry on.

Postnatal Depression and me. Second time round.

I've made no secret of the issues that I came across post the birth of my first child Liv, back in 2015. I was diagnosed when she was 6 weeks old as having postnatal depression: something that took almost 1.5 years of her life to subside until it was just a memory. A memory that never really goes, but a memory all the same.

It was one of the most scariest, frightening and life debilitating things I've ever experienced. To feel so low and sad when ultimately you are in the proverbial 'happiest times of your life' is one of the most bittersweet things I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing. It was sprung on me, I didn't see it coming, it took me by surprise and not in a good way. It knocked me for six, that so much so, I truly believed my life was better PRE CHILDREN. It stole the newborn time from me of my first child - something that I will never ever get back again and even now (liv is 2.5) I find it so heartbreaking that most of the time I cant bring myself to think of it. So of course when I found out I was pregnant with my second child 3 months after Liv turned 2, I wondered what would be in store for me. I knew everyone else was worried, fearful even for what might or might not happen post birth of number two.

My pregnancy with Paige went as well as expected and throughout, my emotions and feelings remained stable. At this point I had been off the antidepressants for some time and there was a small part of me that thought this time, second time round, things were going to be so much different. There was nothing about having a newborn that could possibly take me by surprise right? So after Paige's birth the first few days were everything I could've dreamed of - peaceful, serene and confident. I was almost proud of the mum I seemed to of become. However on day 4 came a subtle, almost unnoticeable change in me. I felt tearful, fearful every time Paige went out of my sight. I would suddenly get feelings of butterflies in my stomach every time I heard her cry which I recognised instantly as the first trigger point when Liv was born and I experienced initial troubles. Over a mere matter of hours the anxiety was building over small things. I noticed that my appetite was slowly diminishing and the feelings of nausea started to manifest themselves. Then the next day when I knew I might be left with both girls for an hour or so alone that I found myself in floods of tears, begging my partner not to leave me with them. Everything felt like this feeling of anticipation - something was going to go wrong, I wouldn't be able to handle both girls, I wouldn't be able to soothe them, I didn't know how to be me, I couldn't string a sentence together, I constantly felt like I had to sit in a quiet room away from everyone else. I would dread pretty much every minute I was living and every second thereafter. Fear would envelope me, constraining me, causing my heart to beat in my ears so loudly. I yearned to disappear to a room, to be able to cry into a pillow, to howl loudly, to feel some kind of release of the way I was feeling. Every time I looked down at this new mound of flesh that I had just birthed I felt more and more detached and yet more and more scared and anxious. My safety net was Liv, I felt like I couldn't bear to be without her or away from her. she became my sunshine, my focus, my stability. I became almost obsessive with her - focusing on her day and night and almost ignoring the fact I had just had a newborn, another baby girl to nurture and help grow.

I was back here again. I had failed. Failed my family, my children, and myself. There is nothing more soul destroying than feeling like you've let yourself down - I had become that woman, that mum again. The nuts one. I knew that everyone was waiting for this to happen - it was the elephant in the room after I had given birth - waiting for me to fall and here I was, it had happened. It took all my power to call my Dr's a week after feeling those first tell-tale signs. What would happen to me, to my kids second time round. How do I fight this? how do I pick myself back up? how do I explain this to people? am I really worthy of having children?
To sit in that room and let my emotions roll is a hard thing to do. Anyone who has said it isn't is lying but I knew in my heart of hearts I had no other option. I HAD to do this for those two amazing little girls that were waiting for me back home. I had to do it... I HAD TOO.

So, 6 months down the line I am still here, still trying, still taking tiny stepping stones to a place of freedom from postnatal depression - the battle has commenced and I am just getting started. Thankfully I have amazing support, amazing medication and two amazing girls that are my lifeline. Im not any less of a mum, nor a person, I've discovered that deep down there is a strength inside, one to pull through and this my friends is what I intend on doing.

Postnatal depression and me - two years on

I wasn't sure if I should write this, I certainly wasn't sure if I should press 'publish' either. In fact, I must have started typing and then stopped a gazillion times, but hey, here we are.

Liv is two years old, it has been two years since she was born and two years since I was in the midst of the most terrible mental health breakdown ever. Y'see I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my lovely Liv and therein began my journey, one of the most difficult and hardest journey I've ever experienced and probably will ever experience in my life.

I've talked very openly about my struggles with this debilitating illness, an illness that ruined the first 4 months of Livs life for me. I was stuck in my body, in my mind that wasn't ME. I felt no bond with my child, but at the same time my anxiety at being away from her reached fever pitch if I even dared to go upstairs in the house without her, I couldn't handle my husband going back to work after paternity leave and used to hysterically cry at the door, begging him not to leave me alone with this thing. Back then, Liv wasn't my child, she was this thing that was given to me, not even as a gift, but as a burden. She had taken away my existing life, everything that I had once known and loved. I was no longer me, I was being punished, I was living in hell. I hated myself at this person I had become and was, when whilst I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to be the perfect mum. There in came the day where I could no longer take it anymore and rang my midwife and begged her to come to me otherwise I was going to walk out on my daughter.... I had admitting this. I sound nuts, and in fact I probably was for a long while but something inside me told me I couldn't cope, I needed help. And thats where my long road to recovery began.

They call it a road to recovery purely because it literally has every twist and turn you could ever imagine. I've had moments where I genuinely thought i was getting better only for the next hour to feel like I wanted to disappear never to come back. I've been on medication only to think I was better and taking myself off them, then shortly having to go back on them. I've had counselling and different therapy, I've talked to friends and family, spoken to people I dont know about PND and tried to come to terms with just how much this illness affected me and those around me.

Two years since the diagnosis so where am I now? I am off medication and no longer have therapy. Do I still suffer from PND - absolutely. I think in my hear of hearts this 'thing' will never ever go away, I will just have some really good sound days and others where there is no other option but to cry my way through the day. Ultimately I've learn how to be kinder to me - being a mum is so draining both physically and mentally that I think unless you take time for you and be kind TO YOU, there will be no other way out than to drain yourself of who you are. I've also learnt to filter my relationships - no longer am I in contact with people who are toxic to me - those with too forceful opinions, those who drain me of the positive. Instead my small quota of friends is perfect and yknow waht? they like me for me. I try to be more open with my feelings too now - so when Im having a bad day I wont try to fake it, ill acknowledge how Im feeling, process it and hopefully move on. but dont get me wrong, there are still the very dark days.

Its no secret that I am petrified of having to go through the same thing post baby number two - it is filling me with dread and is, somewhat, taking away any kind of planning I might want to do for fear of not knowing 'how Im going to be'. My only way of getting through this is thinking how things, if they do go wrong, how I can change them and get help quicker. I have a much better support network than first time round and with my past I feel Im able to maybe talk about it a little more, I do sometimes think people are waiting to see if it DOES happen but hopefully this time round I can lean on the right type of people and get myself out from underneath the dark cloud quicker.

10 ways to boost productivity as a stay-at-home mum

One thing I seemed to really struggle with post having a baby and then the consequently giving up work was how to be productive! Days would simply merge into one another, time would pretty much disappear (either going by two quickly and you haven't done anything, OR going so slowly you cannot believe you've still got 6 hours left of single parenting until the husband gets home) I would drift from one meaningless task to another and never making headway with pretty much ANYTHING. I would make excuses or I would start and never finish about a gazillion jobs and then be so overwhelmed with the task in hand that I'd sink back into the dark hole of feeling a bit blue.

I like to be busy, who doesn't, and yes being a full time mum is a type of busy but its a lonley, unrewarded type of busy and that, for someone who has always enjoyed working, was finding hard. Some days I would seriously wonder what my purpose was. I didn't mean it in a selfish way, and it doesn't take away just how much I adore my daughter and how privileged I feel at being able to stay at home with her, it was a very personal feeling, a pre-baby feeling, the 'old Sarah' type feeling, and something had to change.

Small changes have led me to feel more wholesome in my quest to be more productive. Time really IS of the essence when you have kids and you want to do something else with your time/life and finally I feel I may have achieved a small glimmer of hope in this side of my life - so here are my top tips at boosting your productivity when you are a SAHM.

I would find myself writing endless long 'to-so' lists that just weren't achievable. YES - I really did have that much to do, but even looking at the list made the entire thing seem so unachievable in the small space of time I had, that I just didn't even want to begin and so the sofa seemed WAY more appealing.
I learn to filter down this list by aiming to complete just 2 things from that list per day. They didn't have to be two big jobs, but two jobs none the less. I instantly felt unpressured and felt I was more than capable to achieve what I was setting out to do. Filtering in time for just two jobs is WAY easier than finding hours on end to complete your list WHILST having a small person yell "mummy" at you for the 600th time.

If I completed these two jobs I wouldn't add to them, or feel like I had to do more, this was it, I was done. Everything else was for me or dedicated to Liv. I also felt I could schedule these two tasks much better on my weekly planner! Don't aim to high and shoot yourself down before you've even had a chance - you're worth more than that!

Sounds utterly trivial, but I have a weekly planner that I manually fill in either on a Sunday or Monday with the weeks tasks and goals. So I always feature Liv's plans, meal ideas and my tasks that I need to get completed. Get involved in some crazy kick-ass stationery - Paperchase is of course my go to favourite and for the small amount they cost it really makes you feel empowered to write all of your ideas and plans down.
I stick mine to my fridge so it's at an easy place to glance at every day. I feel more organised, more centred and less confused about what I should be doing and when! If it works better for you by doing it on your phone DO IT, but make sure you make the time to religiously do it every week!

I was the worst for wasting nap times. I used to set up  camp and just eat, watch tv and scan instagram and before I knew it, Liv was awake and again I'd achieved zilch in my day. Now, dont get me wrong, we all look forward to nap time as a way of chilling out so no matter what, limit yourself to a fixed time that you will achieve any tasks or goals you've set for yourself. I know Liv naps for an hour and a half so I'll work for 45minutes and the rest is relax time for me. Even if you use nap times to put some washing on and then go and relax for the remainder - you are STILL being productive. reward yourself. Remember dont set your goals or tasks to high - do what you can effectively.

If you're child doesnt nap, use the morning times to set your toddler up with an activity that requires minimal supervision and if it means putting on their fave tv channel for just an hour out of the day then so be it - dont be ashamed!

If you are planning on doing work such as blogging, writing, or any other computer based activity why dont you set yourself up a work station. One that fills you with comfort and relaxation. It can be anywhere - hell, even in bed if you wish, but creating an environment, away from too many distractions is best. For me, I use my kitchen table to blog from when Liv naps. I light a candle, lay my laptop out, have a pen and paper handy, a banana and a glass of water or mug of tea before I set to work. Set yourself up with meaning, get cushions on your chair, and even change into comfy clothes if you must. Make it a pleasurable experience.
I find I work better without the tv or music as I am queen of distraction however I continuously find the app 'Noisli' either on the laptop or on my phone as having some background noise. It's amazing how much more I find my ideas flow and how faster I work. My fave sound? the coffee shop! Find it here

Sounds absolutely ludicrous if you are a SAHM but if your child sleeps in until say 7am most mornings, why not schedule in for just one morning a week for you to wake up an hour/half hour earlier to do something for you. Whether it be a early morning run, some yoga, reading your fave magazines with a hot brew in silence or even choosing to do some housework. One morning a week isnt too much and you'll be amazed at home much you can get done with an extra hour. 

Don't get me wrong, I know when you've been up copious times in the night with little one the last thing you want to do is to wake up earlier but take each circumstance as it comes and be kind to you. The world is not going to stop because you didn't do this, just do it another day. And if your child wakes up at 6am or earlier everyday DONT go getting up an hour before that, instead use the early morning to be productive, do your chores, have a longer breakfast, get washed and dressed and you'll soon realise how much more time you have for the rest of the day. Try to turn the frown upside down!

You most definitely can't pour from an empty cup - trust me its true. Remember to keep your strength up by snacking and drinking often. I was finding myself leaving eating until the last minute so I would gorge myself on all the wrong stuff and then crash in the afternoon making myself feel sluggish and lazy. Now, I snack on fruit and veg sticks, and drink copious water.I was amazed at how dehydrated I had been before I purchased a water bottle. I know it sounds so simple and pathetic, but having a snazzy water bottle by the side of me reminded me to keep drinking, keep the fluids up and I instantly felt fuller and of more energy. That's not to say I dont have treats. BOY I HAVE TREATS, but I save them for the evenings so if I feel a bit BLAH, I can go to bed knowing Ive done everything I want too.

I'm a firm believer that reading and looking at things online that are of interest can create and stir something inside of you that boosts your productivity. Every morning I log onto Twitter, Instagram and read my fave blogs. I'll watch the latest news in between various episodes of Hey Duggee that Liv is watching and after getting immersed in the world of social media for no more than an hour I feel full of life and more creative. Look for things that catch your eye. It could be a headline that stirs a response in you that you want to blog. A play idea that you cant wait to try with your little one, or a place to visit as a family - social media is most definitely your friend when used wisely!

As much as social media can be a great tool, if like me and you love it a little too much, it can also really really hinder productivity. You can easily lose countless hours by scouring the internet with absolutely nothing to show for it. It also tends to make me feel like a pretty bad mum if I'm on it for too long when Liv is busy playing. Again, I limit myself to certain times (normally early morning and during nap times when I have done anything I want to do and when Liv has gone to bed). Pick your times wisely and when you're not on social media or on phone, delve deep into life in front of you and be present.

So if  you done well in your job you would receive praise, or a reward and whats to say this is any different. Look at you, you are a SAHM who has also managed to achieve everything on her weeks to do list! I mean superwoman! I give myself a little reward if I've done well, a morning out at the weekend to go drink coffee in peace, a new nail varnish, a whole hour of non stop tv watching... ANYTHING you like, but be proud of you - you deserve it!

And hey, if the day just isnt going to plan and the productivity is at an all time low DON'T WORRY. Grab a kiss and cuddle off your little one and trust me you'll feel a million times better. You are keeping a little one alive for Christs sake that is more than enough sometimes! 

Enough love for two

The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?

I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.

Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.

I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?

As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.

Third wedding anniversary - things I know now with children

So on the 11th was my 3rd wedding anniversary. Me and my husband, Mark, have been together for a total of 14 years and married for 3 and its been an amazing journey however there are some real truths in the fact that relationships and marriage changes when you have kids.

I'm sure there are couples out there that are lucky enough to be devoid of such change and remain in a happy, non-argumentative relationship, however my relationship and marraige was not one of them. Me and Mark have been tigether ong enough to know each other inside out, and we adore the people that we are singually as well as together, however when Liv was born there was a real shift. My personality changed hugely, beyond all recognition and Mark's laidback nature was tested when the sleep deprivation crept in. In pregnancy you are taught just how muvh things are going to change in respect of having to look after this new, tiny human, and the physical factors, but I dont think I ever heard, or read about the impact havig a newborn/baby can have on a relationship (whether you are married or not)

I know each case is different, and I guess it can depend on what type of partners you are already, but for me I have always been a hugely independent person: i enjoyed working, earning my own money, socialising, shopping and spending time alone. Me and Mark both had hobby-heavy lives that were often seperate from each other but sometimes together: it worked. However in came a baby and my hobbies stopped, my pasions changed and my neurosis grew. I no longer wanted to spend money frivulously on myself, I didnt want to go out drinking until 3 in the morning - my aim was my child. However Mark was able to split himself into two and keep the life that he once had and take onboard a new role too. I found this hard: why couldnt I still kept this side of my life, why didnt I have it in me to still remain the person I was. I knew deep down inside it didnt bother me, I was so in love with Liv that nothing mattered but here I was, the only one seemingly making changes in my life and it made me angry... jealous even.

I know they say women are expert at juggling many different things in life, and hey, dont get me wrong I feel I do this every damn day, but I couldn't juggle my emotions. My pre-baby self used to go about my life in a carefree manner however post-baby, everything mattered to me. I couldn't separate myself from my role as a mother and essentially lost 'Sarah' in all of this. And then came the laborious night feeds, where I used to get up every hours and watch as my husband slept soundly. I used to stare across in the dimly lit room, my eyes stinging with tiredness wishing I could swap places, I wanted to use the fact I was going to work as my reason for needing more sleep. Then came the responsibilty - hell, I was in charge of this actual human being whilst my partner was at work, doing what he ALWAYS did, I actually had to keep this thing alive! The pressure was huge and insurmountable. Whats his bad day to the fact that I have to try and keep a human alive everyday?!?

I began to snap at my husband. Little things like the way he'd not wash or sterailise the bottles when she was a newborn, or even now when he get Liv all excitable in the half hour before bed and then mysteriously disappears when shes in bed and constantly pissing about and NOT sleeping. The rate at which I snap surprises me - I've never been one of them, I used to look at others and 'tsk' out loud, and now, well, here I am, I am one of them. Finding time for one another is also something that doesnt present itself openly, instead, if you want to find time to talk to your partner or yknow 'cuddle' then you best be willing to MAKE THE EFFORT. The thought of spending just 10 mins away from Liv used to feel me with utter dread and I used to bypass any affection with my husband because I just wanted to get back to my child! What I have found is the key in keeping things simple and dont overplan. remember the small things that made you love your partner for them just as they are  and just repeat. But make that effort!

What also surprised me is that my love for my child would often take over from my love for my husband. Why is it I find it WAY easier to forgive my child when its being a dick yet my husband? not so much. Y'see Liv melts my heart and makes me in to a bowl of mush so its easy to not hold anything against her, yet it took me by total surprise that here I was holding everything against my husband at the drop of a hat and not willing to let go. There was actual times that I looked at Liv and thought I love you way more than Mark. Obviously this was only temporary but the sheer thought of it was truly shocking.

Aside from all of this, what 3 years have taught me now that we have Liv (and now another on the way) is that we both have this most amazing bond. There is always going to be ups and downs,and moments of sheer horror, but at the same time there is something all kinds of special about creating a life together - there is no other way of taking care of that life than as a team. There will be times you'll look at your partner singing to the baby in the middle of the night, or teaching your child to play football and fall in love with him all over again. There is something very special about watching your man take charge and be powerful and protective to your child... thats love right there. 

Judgement day

As a 20 something, childless, unmarried woman, being judged or judging someone was not even on my radar. I used to go about my daily life just BEING, happy as larry with not a  care in the world. If someone had made a judgement on me I probably wouldn't of cared, a young carefree mind will do that - you just don't worry. Fast forward to now, a grown woman in her 30s (33 to be exact) and I find my every day life is just crammed full of judgments, and from the least expected people.

First up came the judgments over not being married to my long term partner and not being bothered about it - "surely you think its time to get married, you've been together far too long to still be boyfriend and girlfriend" Next up came the decision to have children - "So... it wont be long before you two are going to have children". The endless comments and judgments came thick and fast - people are opinionated, I get that but sometimes this obvious views of MY life from OTHER people was a little hard to stomach.

Of course when Liv came along, the style of judgement changed and from whom they came from. Strangers, family, friends and dare I say it, other mothers. Style of feeding, type of routine, style of parenting, occupation - pretty much everything warranted SOME kind of opinion or judgement from others. Now being a 30+ fully grown adult, these opinions and judgements DO affect me. No more Miss carefree, every word and comment affect every part of my everyday life - I hold the words inside me and just like that, when Im alone, or having a bad day they all come back, spoken to me, out loud. Making me self-doubt. Self-doubt when youre a parent is soul destroying - how can you teach your offspring about the positive, happy things in life ? to remain positive? I look at the things I do and wonder if I'm failing my child, failing my husband, failing myself - just those few words from a person can cause me to self doubt my entire being.

I hope those people who DO judge, read this and realise that the few tiny words that fall out of their mouths can have an affect more than they realise, and how detrimental it can be to fellow mothers.

Lets learn to be kind, compassionate and most of all: NON JUDGEMENTAL. You never know when you might NOT want to be judged.