Can you ever be thankful for Cancer?

If you had asked me the above question back in February, I probably wouldve laughed in your face and drop kicked you at the same time: Thankful for cancer? What kind of sick planet are you living on? Fast forward until now and what is my answer?

Yes - I am absolutely thankful.

Cancer is probably the most bitter and twisted double edged sword I think Ive ever come across. I hate what it has done to my body, relationships and my childrens anxieties. I however, love the diagnosis because for once I finally feel like I know what happiness, love and fulfilment really is. 

I have always been materialistic to a certain extent - always wanting to look good, to give off a good impression, spending far too long worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. Worrying about my hair, my skin, my clothes, conforming to 'fit in'. Spending money like its water on insignificant items. Abusing my body with yoyo dieting, binge drinking and allowing myself to burn the candle at both ends. Wasting time and energy on non-existent relationships that brought me nothing but sorrow, anguish and upset. Not fulfilling myself, my dreams and my aspirations and just 'making do'

But in just one sentence my alternate reality changed. Hearing "I'm so sorry but it is Cancer" is not something you really EVER want to hear, but this was, and I truly believe it, my slap in the face. Who gives a flying fcuk how much money you have. How big your house is, how nice your car drives or what the hell you're wearing - JUST BE YOU. The stark reality is, if you don't have your health, love or family and friends then you really have to worry.

I have come to find out alot about myself - I'm probably not as damaged as I have always believed: of course, I am not perfect in any sense of the word, but I'm not too shabby a person. I love fiercely and again this isn't a bad thing. I am loyal and passionate. I would run to the ends of the earth and give my life for my children. I have also realised I'm strong when I want to be. The amount of times throughout all of this I have wanted to stop and I haven't proves this. 

I see things clearer ( I have a long way to go mind) and I appreciate the teeny tiny things alot more, I dont stress the small stuff and have a particularly annoying habit of saying "lifes too short" but overall I think my viewpoint has changed significantly and ultimately, despite suffering from some pretty nasty side effects on treatment, this all pales into insignificance when I really think about whats important and why I am doing it - so thank you Cancer for opening my eyes.

Mindful parenting

Now, Im not going to lie to you, I am really not any expert in being mindful or even staying remotely calm or patient in life BUT I am most definitely seeing the appeal of living a more mindful life, not just for me, but for the girls too.

We live in a day and age that is oh so disposable, selfish, fast paced and at times lacking of any depth and it scares me to think that my girls have to try to grow up gracefully and carefully in this day and age without seeing them fall subject to the bad side of the way people live. So I have been looking into living a more mindful existence with the girls and practicing parenting with more mindfulness in well, mind. Like I first said, this is not something I feel I know ALOT about - I mean I try, and I work really really hard to be more mindful of my surroundings and the way I conduct myself but I also lack  ANY kind of patience, I am swayed by anything remotely social media wise and spend alot of my life comparing my life to others, which is well, just a little shit.

Liv is a timid character, she doesn't like confrontation, doesn't like shouting and is easily overrun by very large characters and large crowds. She's a real thinker and it takes ALOT for her to open up to anyone. My decision to be more mindful was predominately more with her in mind, but it is something I'm trying to practice more myself so in turn I would like to parent and raise my children more mindful.

So, err, how do you BE more mindful when you parent? Well thats a little easier said than done to explain. I began by reading... reading alot. I've read many articles about how to begin the mindfulness journey, some of the books I've read I will link to below, but here it is, some of the pinpointers I have used to try and parent more mindful.

Be more mindful yourself

What is it they say? Practice what you preach? Well, exactly this. You wouldn't teach your kid how to tap dance if you couldn't do it yourself would you?! I've been trying to make more of a conscious effort to live a more mindful life (easier said than done with two kids and being constantly stressed) Firstly I've been trying guided meditations whenever I get a chance, so normally late at night. Admittedly they do make me fall asleep but the thought is there!

Why do you want to teach your kids?

To be fair when I first got thinking about mindfulness and teaching it to the girls I wondered whether this would give me some kind of miracle technique to somehow abolish tantrums and bad behaviour - I WAS WRONG. Mindfulness is all about being aware of thoughts and feeling both inside and out. Being aware of their surroundings, to recognise when they're minds have wandered. Dont set your expectations too high - remember there is no changing a toddler!

Practice breathing

This is something I've always done with Liv to a certain extent: Liv can sometimes really work herself up - she used to do this so much she'd hold her breath and turn blue (I KNOW!) and so I used to guide her through breathing: slowly and calmly. I'd breath with her and get her to focus on me. The ideas are the same. Maybe try and play a game with your little ones where they watch the rise and fall of their breath - using toys or simply watching their belly. Bedtime is normally a nice time to do this.

Go for a walk

This is the easiest of all mindful activities to do - simply go for a walk with your little ones, leave your phone at home and talk to them about what they notice about their surroundings. Ask them to spend a minute listening to the sounds and after a minute get them to tell you what they can hear - this is incredibly soothing for everyone involved!

Ask them for a personal weather report

Sounds a bit silly but asking how they're feeling is a great way to practice mindfulness, however being a kid the chances of them being able to articulate the way they are feeling properly is slim to none. For Liv we use the weather to compare how she is feeling - sunny, shiny and happy, or overwhelmed and cloudy. Sounds silly but it really helps Liv to be aware of how shes feeling and understand that its ok to feel whatever she does feel.

Happy Memories

I often ask Liv to tell me at the end of a day or week what she really enjoyed doing or seeing. Remembering a time that made her especially happy is so cute and lovely and also ALWAYS makes liv smile again - its so lovely to hear.

If you're looking to read up more about activities and how to teach mindfulness to your kids in more depth there are a couple of books that I've read that I would definitely recommend:

"Sitting Still Like a Frog - Mindfulness exercises for kids"

I found this a nice, simple and clear book about practicing mindfulness with the girls.Has good sections on falling asleep more easily, alleviating worry and managing anger. A nice little read.








Mindful Monsters

This fab website is a monthly subscription pack whereby each month you will get a pack of seven activity cards to enjoy with your kids, all inspired by mindfulness. The cover subjects such as Creativity, Relaxation, Positivity and Concentration. Costing £7.50 each month I really like the idea this.

Overall, I'm really enjoying trying to be more aware in life and if anything, it certainly opens your eyes a little more to the way kids think, and to concentrate more on the here and now.

Why is it so hard finding friends when you're a mum

I'm two kids in now and I've come to realise I'm rather thin along the ground for having real friendships. Since the age of about 30 I've realised that I am lacking a space in my life for a best friend, a close knit community of friends. And then along came having a baby and all of a sudden I found a new hurdle in the way of making friendships and keeping them. Right now, I'm lucky to have a very very small group of mum friends who I get on with but with having more than one child and another on the way our schedules are changing and with that opens up, for me, the need to make some more friends whether they be mums or not.

I'm 34 now and a fairly social being - I like to have plans, I like to chat, I like to go out with or without kids but mostly I crave interaction. But making friends in this day and age is HARD. All too many times I find people flaky - its a pet hate of mine. If you want to meet up with me - meet up with me, if you dont or have no intention then dont make plans with me, and then there's some mum friends who only like to do things with their kids which is absolutely fine, but I'd love to have friends that can do both - surely having the opportunity to sit in peace whilst eating a croissant and drinking a hot drink whilst conversing with likeminded women isn't a bad thing!?
Some only like to go out and do activities at attractions whereas i like doing everything on a budget so even a cuppa round mine is welcome.
But mostly I find it hard to make friends because there are too many mums out there living a competitive life when it comes to raising kids. I am what I am - what you see is what you get. I swear (alot) and I feed my kids jam sandwiches and let them eat haribo as a treat - thats me. I totally get I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but in this day and age shouldn't we be accepting of others and their ways of life? I dont harm anyone and I adore my kids sometimes a little too much. My parenting isn't perfect but then who's is? is there a right way to parent? I welcome all mums and all kids - I dont think any child is naughty, nor do I think any mum is too earth mother - we are all on our OWN journey through motherhood where there is no written right or wrong (obv apart from harming children but you get me)
Just the other week I toddled off to a toddler group with both girls. I decided now was the time to put myself out there, make friends, make the effort. However upon arrival I was ignored, stared at, told I shouldn't be drinking coffee (because Im pregnant) and then stared at by the many tight knit groups of women/mums thats surrounded the circle play area. I felt out of my depth, scared and in the spot light. I tried to make chat with one lady who then proceeded to keep telling me I have my hands full, how Paige will have the "poor middle child syndrome" etc all advice that someone you haven't met, probably didn't need.
To me motherhood and pregnancy included, isn't a race - there is no child that progresses too early or too late - they simply do it at their own speed when its right for them. There is no perfect or easy pregnancy or birth - all pregnancies and births are incredible in their own ways. Everything about this stage in a woman's life is equal to the next. Why, do we, in conversation feel the need to compare and contrast - of course listen to one anothers stories and experiences and delight, rejoice and entertain them, but for heavens sake dont compare them to your own, they are individual. Is this why I struggle to find friends for life? Am I picking the wrong type of women to try and be friends with?
For me, my friendships come above and beyond most things and I will go 110% for them. If I make plans with you I will damn sure make sure I am there. If I say I'll do something or arrange something, I will sort the shit out of it good n proper. There is never too much effort on my part - I go all in. I'm so stupidly loyal that personally I think I need to be reincarnated as a  war dog or something because I will never ever leave my band of friends, I will do anything and everything for them, sometimes to my own detriment of my own health. but why do I find others not like this? I'm easily forgotten, I get let down alot, people dont socialise with me or want to half the time. People never ask me about me, never show an interest in me and will often talk over me or glaze over in conversations.
Back at an old job I took a Dale Carnegie course which I swear changed my life - it taught me so much on how to conduct myself, how to have friends, how to be a better person. Dale Carnegie was the person that wrote the book "how to win friends and influence people" and let me tell you, this book was everything to me to read. It made me conduct myself so differently. The one thing I remember vividly was to how to create an interest from people and that was to always talk about THEM - everyone loves talking about themselves, it makes them feel cared for and wanted and so here I am, at 34 STILL living my life this way and yet I am lonley.

Life with two - the truth

I never ever thought about what it would be like to have two kids whilst I was pregnant with P  for two reasons: 1 - I was already busy enough with a certain little lady and 2 - I was afraid that If I actually thought about it too much, I would be put off. As a parent of just one I had got myself settled yknow - we were in a routine, me and Liv had each other down to a tee: I could tell what her actions would be like depending on her moods, she knew how I would react to certain things - we were kinda as one if you get me, and life was relatively easy, but enter another baby, and well, noone can guess what those little mounds of flesh are going to be like.

And so, with little P's arrival and 5 months down the line, here's what I know now about life with two:

- you think you couldnt pee in peace first time round? You're lucky if you even get time to pee AT ALL now. Try to shower? Yeah... good one.
- There will always be one child getting ignored: so for me it is mostly P - sounds horrific but Liv can talk and well, we all know what the sound of 'MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY' sounds like on repeat... you cant ignore that shit.
- You will always have dirty clothes. So when you had one, the odd snot mark was way more easier to hide, but with two? you are covered. HEAD TO TOE. If its not P vomming on me, its Liv wiping her snotty, dirty hands on me.
- Time is now of the absolute essence. In fact my days are running of that similar to the military. Every hour is planned out to make sure chores are getting done, that we sometimes, occasionally get to leave the house, and the kids are fed and watered.
- Don't ever try to be on time for ANYTHING. It takes me an age to get the two ready and OUT THE GOD DAMN DOOR and therefore I am always late. I am sometimes 30 mins early at the start of the morning, but get close to leaving time? Yep, I'm late.
- Your pace will move. alot. slower. If its not the toddler walking at a snails pace, its the fact you have to carry the life barnacle in the car seat that weighs the earth, forcing you to walk at approx one step per minute.
- Going anywhere takes baggage. I'm talking BAGS. There snacks for the toddler, change of clothes for both of them, nappies for the baby, bottles, formula, the odd random toy, some bribery chocolate/sweets.. the list is endless. And after packing all of that, you can bet your ass you'll forget your purse or keys.
- You will literally lead your life BRIBING the older child. I have to carry around a pack of haribo in order to get the kid to do anything that is outside of what she wants. Don't get me wrong she can be really compliant most of the time, however, normally when Im pushed for time, she will refuse point blank to do what I need her to do. "put your shoes on" SWEETIE. "Can you just be quiet whilst I feed P" SWEETIE "if you pick up your toys i'll give you a  sweetie" SWEETIE.
- Just when you think you're going to get sleep, ONE of the kids will become ill and wake. If you manage to get sleep with both babes you have practically won the lottery.
- You will hear yourself constantly saying "not now mummy's busy" to the eldest, that and saying their name for what seems like the 2949586747925 time that hour.
- Illnesses seem to like company so when one catches a bug, give it approx 3 days and the other child will catch it. and then when they are all better, you will contract the lurgy but of course not be able to rest.
- Childcare gets harder. Taking on one child isn't too daunting for friends, but two... well.... two brings a whole new favour to ask....
- Bath and bedtime is err..... MANIC.
- Unless your eldest is potty/toilet trained, be prepared to pretty much spend your day knee deep in nappies.
- Nap times will become the holy grail, and you will also spend from 4pm on official countdown for bedtime.
- Keeping track of what both babes are up to requires SKILLS. Master this one asap.
- The love and cuddles is magnified. You get two of everything and it frigging well is AMAZING. You cant beat a good baby squish cuddle and feeling the arms of you eldest wrapped round you whispering in your ear, they love you.

Postnatal depression and me - two years on

I wasn't sure if I should write this, I certainly wasn't sure if I should press 'publish' either. In fact, I must have started typing and then stopped a gazillion times, but hey, here we are.

Liv is two years old, it has been two years since she was born and two years since I was in the midst of the most terrible mental health breakdown ever. Y'see I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my lovely Liv and therein began my journey, one of the most difficult and hardest journey I've ever experienced and probably will ever experience in my life.

I've talked very openly about my struggles with this debilitating illness, an illness that ruined the first 4 months of Livs life for me. I was stuck in my body, in my mind that wasn't ME. I felt no bond with my child, but at the same time my anxiety at being away from her reached fever pitch if I even dared to go upstairs in the house without her, I couldn't handle my husband going back to work after paternity leave and used to hysterically cry at the door, begging him not to leave me alone with this thing. Back then, Liv wasn't my child, she was this thing that was given to me, not even as a gift, but as a burden. She had taken away my existing life, everything that I had once known and loved. I was no longer me, I was being punished, I was living in hell. I hated myself at this person I had become and was, when whilst I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to be the perfect mum. There in came the day where I could no longer take it anymore and rang my midwife and begged her to come to me otherwise I was going to walk out on my daughter.... I had admitting this. I sound nuts, and in fact I probably was for a long while but something inside me told me I couldn't cope, I needed help. And thats where my long road to recovery began.

They call it a road to recovery purely because it literally has every twist and turn you could ever imagine. I've had moments where I genuinely thought i was getting better only for the next hour to feel like I wanted to disappear never to come back. I've been on medication only to think I was better and taking myself off them, then shortly having to go back on them. I've had counselling and different therapy, I've talked to friends and family, spoken to people I dont know about PND and tried to come to terms with just how much this illness affected me and those around me.

Two years since the diagnosis so where am I now? I am off medication and no longer have therapy. Do I still suffer from PND - absolutely. I think in my hear of hearts this 'thing' will never ever go away, I will just have some really good sound days and others where there is no other option but to cry my way through the day. Ultimately I've learn how to be kinder to me - being a mum is so draining both physically and mentally that I think unless you take time for you and be kind TO YOU, there will be no other way out than to drain yourself of who you are. I've also learnt to filter my relationships - no longer am I in contact with people who are toxic to me - those with too forceful opinions, those who drain me of the positive. Instead my small quota of friends is perfect and yknow waht? they like me for me. I try to be more open with my feelings too now - so when Im having a bad day I wont try to fake it, ill acknowledge how Im feeling, process it and hopefully move on. but dont get me wrong, there are still the very dark days.

Its no secret that I am petrified of having to go through the same thing post baby number two - it is filling me with dread and is, somewhat, taking away any kind of planning I might want to do for fear of not knowing 'how Im going to be'. My only way of getting through this is thinking how things, if they do go wrong, how I can change them and get help quicker. I have a much better support network than first time round and with my past I feel Im able to maybe talk about it a little more, I do sometimes think people are waiting to see if it DOES happen but hopefully this time round I can lean on the right type of people and get myself out from underneath the dark cloud quicker.

Feeling the heat... what they DON'T tell you about being pregnant in the Summer

So, I'm not new to this, it's my second baby AND my second Summer baby. Liv was born in July and the new addition is due in August, so you'd think I was only too aware as to what Id let myself in for, but y'see time is most definitely a healer and with it I seemed to of forgotten what sheer hell awaited for me come the sun.

Here is my list of what they don't tell you about being pregnant in the Summer and heat:

1. You sweat. more than you ever thought was possible. it comes out of every orifice, every nook and cranny. You don't even need to do anything in particular to make you suddenly feel your top lip glisten: today I was purely sat on the sofa and I was sweating profusely. Also who knew that you could sweat quite so much from underneath your boobs.... seriously...
2. Because of the above be fully prepared to change your clothes more than once a day. If not for the sweating alone, it'll be because everything feels just so. bloody. tight. and constricting. 
3. It is possible to swell EVEN MORE when pregnant because of the heat. Even my bump feels way more bigger, and then there's your hands and oh my the feet... the sausage trotters..... 
4. You'll want to drink so much water. And just when you think you've drunk enough your mouth will feel like Ghandi's flipflop once more and you'll need to down another pint of fluid - obviously visiting the toilet 3948575739296 times in the interim
5. Small tasks become like the very end of the world. I dropped a fork on the floor in the kitchen today, and I can safely say I feared for my knees, my back and the ability to lift myself back up off the floor. Everything you do will move 350x times more slower than you thought possible.
6. No summer cocktails for you. I am rather partial to a nice cooling refreshing mojitos come the summer however not this time.... yeah try the non-alcoholic version thats just the same.. NOT!
7. You'll suddenly find yourself turning everything into a fan or cooling device. Today I used my living room door to waft some air at myself, I used my child's muslin to soak in water and then drape over my feet and I'm not gonna lie to you, I very nearly grabbed a cooler pack from the freezer and strapped it to my undercarriage. Man you get hot around there!
8. The very thought of wearing a bra will seem EVEN more hellish than normal. It will grip you where it shouldn't and hold your ever expanding bust to ransom and then slowly itch you, make you sweat more and rub you until you cant take it anymore and you just have to take it off.... but we all know what its like carrying around 2 preggo boobies dont we, add in them being set free and well...
9. You won't be glowing in pregnancy, it will be sweat. On your brow, over your top lip and oddly behind your ears. Your make up will slowly but surely slide off your face until you look a very moist coco the clown.
10. Hello odd tan lines. Your body is unable to tan nicely whilst pregnant. Instead you'll tan stupidly easily and develop some nice odd unexplainable patches to go alongside your new glow.

Obviously it's not all bad, and there are way more upsides, but being preggo when the heat rises is HARD! Anyone else with me on this??

Enough love for two

The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?

I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.

Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.

I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?

As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.

Seeing double

So now we know what colour it is, things are suddenly getting oh so real, and dare I say it, I've even started to plan or at least THINK about the things I may need, and even stuff that I definitely do not need second time around ( its amazing how wise you get to the tatt you dont need) Following on from previous posts, all I can currently think about is pushchairs or prams. I've started to think that maybe, just maybe a double is the way forward - it makes sense to be able to shove both my sprogs into one place right? but the real question is - where do I start?

Pushchairs and prams to me are a market that is inundated with brands announcing the new/best yet pushchair that is potentially going to make us mums lives WAY easier (however unless this pushchair is going to do the night feeds I dont buy into it) I find searching out the best products really hard and this is definitely proving harder than most. We are a one wage household with me not working and so literally every penny counts so when it comes to possibly buying a new pushchair its absolutely gotta be the right decision - we can only do this once guys! So after countless evenings spent glued to my laptop and bugging the sh** outta my 2 kid friends I've made a list of 'doubles' that have made it to my 'most wanted' list!

I'm not gonna lie to you but I totally and utterly fell in love with this Phil and Teds double pushchair as soon as I saw it. It's like a work of art. They have obviously REALLY thought about this. The variations are endless and thats what is just so darn appealing. My biggest worry with making this decision is obvious - getting it wrong and picking a pushchair that just doesn't work, but I cant see how you can with this Phil and Teds option.
So, the nitty gritty, the Voyager has a really cool looking 4 in 1 seat that pretty much grows with you and the kids - starting life as a lay flat bassinet, progresses to a versatile seat that is fully reversible. Then add in the double kit - the second seat is fully adaptable as the main seat which is rare in a double - the double can convert to a double lie flat which is fab if you were having twins, the double kit then reverts to the upright stroller - everyone's happy right?
Now, Im not gonna lie to you, I dont know how easy this folds up, although according to the site its really straight forward which again, if it does, is a definite winner for me, I cant be doing with anything with too many bits and pieces to put together!
Price - it aint cheap BUT I do think you are getting alot of options and quality for your money. Priced at £599 for the Voyager as it is and an additional £159 for the double kit doesn't make it easy on the purse strings HOWEVER I do think its a good looking pushchair and seems to have all the bells and whistles you'd want from a double and for me, the versatility sells it and puts it straight into the top for me.
Go have a look at their website HERE for more info

I'd never heard of an Out'n'abount pushcahir until one of friends rocked up in one last time we went out for a walk. I had already had experience of the Baby Jogger brand and this looked quite similar, but when I looked the closely the seats looked completely different: more cosy and more suited to a newborn. I went straight home and researched the crap outta them. From first sight the Out 'n' About is a sturdy looking double pushchair with the capabilities of really going off-road. Both seats recline independently so obviously you can seat different aged children, and there is an additional newborn support which you can pop in to enable you to take a much younger one. The difference with the latest Out 'n' About they now have individual sun hoods, which would do well to avoid any arguments! 

Now the one absolute biggest plus points with this double is that it is slimline to the point where it measures 72cm wide so will most definitely fit through most doorways And it only weighs 12.8kg so is pretty much one the lightest double's on the market, which for me who lacks ALL kinds of upper body strength is a definite selling point!

So, price... this is a great 'ALL IN' kinda pushchair with no additional charges to make it into a double if you know what I mean, however they do some pretty nifty accessories to go with this (I'm loving the handmuffs!) Priced at £524.95 you kinda get what you pay for. These tend to last a long time (or so Im told by friends who own these) and they sell well second hand!

Go check them out HERE

This looks very similar to the Out 'n' About featured above but this one boasts being the most slimmest of the doubles on the market which has always been a big tick in the pushchairs boxes for me - I have trouble steering a single so lord only knows what ill be like with a double!?!? This pushchair is also easy-peasy to create into a single as well as a double so if Liv grows out of it sooner than anticipated I've still got myself a proper nice pushchair for the baby! It has a one-handed unfold which with two kids I'm imagining is ideal (noone wants to drop a baby right) and it is suitable from newborn right up until 4 years old which I think is so ruddy cost-effective! One thing I was mis sold when I got my Quinny was how quickly Liv might grow out of it, whereas this seems like the perfect solution! 

Again, this has the individual sun hoods so each child can relax in the sun or shade as they like, and the wheels pop off super easy for easy storage or fitting into the car! This pushchair seems to really have it all and reasonably priced too! Working out at roughly £495 this is a great spend considering just how much use you are going to get out of it! I'm already sold!
Go check it out HERE

This is pretty much the holy grail of pushchairs in my eyes - I just love Bugaboo, I have been known to stare at other mums Bugaboo in longing! And this double Bugaboo is just..... *sigh* lovely! The Bugaboo Donkey is a mono-duo-mono stroller, with either a side luggage-basket and a large under basket to store all your crap (if you're anything like me) with large swivel multi-terrain wheels that will manovere over any surface and a one piece handle bar makes the pushchair so simple to use. You can expand or downsize in just a matter of clicks. The only thing that slightly worries me is the fact it is a two piece fold which is a little rubbish for me, but I guess if its still easy peasy then I could be swayed.
Reclineable and reversible seats make this stroller easily customiseable. Now, the price...... well, I have to be realistic here, there is no way on gods green earth I could ever afford one of these, despite them being oh so pretty..... However I have been looking at second hand ones. So, the prices start at approx £1,000 however, the price really does rise with the addition of their many 'must-want' accessory's.
Go check them out HERE

I'm not going to lie but I had never heard of the brand Joolz before so this pushchair really caught my eye. It looked proper high-tec (how old am I) and really swish too! It seemed to really suit my need for a double for a toddler AND a newborn rather than a double that can just lie flat.
The carrycot features a hypo-allergenic and breathable mattress that is suitable for your baby to sleep in at night, and the sun hood has a rather nifty ventilation opening made from a mesh fabric that can be opened in order to let the fresh air flow through which is so handy for giving birth to a summer baby.

As for the sat section of the pushchair the footrest is fully extendable so no rogue dangling leggies for your toddlers, and is fully reversible to rear or front facing. Has four wheel suspension making a comfortable ride for baby and toddler (and you) and is smooth flowing when turning. 

I personally think the only down side with this one is having the newborn/baby in the carrycot at the bottom of the pushchair. It just seems weird to be having your precious cargo so low to the ground, not to mention having to bend down that low...
Priced at £899 for everything you get a lot for your money, and it does look really impressive (along the same swish lines as a Bugaboo, however Im not sure as to the positioning of this one but it does have the elusive one motion fold down! 

Available HERE

So guys - HELP ME! Does any body have any recommendations? Not just for these but for ANY doubles? I'm so at a loss and with only 3 months to go... I'm getting scared!

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance? 

I need you

I try my hardest to be there for anyone and everyone... it's just something inside me that I feel compelled to do. I like helping people, not because I get something out of it, I just do it because I hope that other people think the same in this world and go on to treat others the same. 

Recently I heard some news that truly shocked me. It was news that affected a friend of mine and the closeness to home hit me. My friends son, who was 2 years old at the time had been diagnosed with High risk, stage 4 metastatic neuroblastoma. A type of cancer that affects fewer than 100 children a year Reuben was one of these figures.

As tests promptly started on Reuben, each piece of news to his family seemed more devastating, as in 50% of cases of this aggressive type of cancer, his primary tumour was found in his abdomen but had already spread to bones and bone marrow before anyone had any idea. 

Just weeks before, Reuben had played alongside his friends at birthday parties and attended pre-school like every other happy 2 year old who was really looking forward to Father Christmas visiting.

He spent his 3rd birthday and New Year's Day in hospital, has undergone MRI scans, bone marrow and tumor biopsies, a blood and platelet transfusion, two rounds of chemotherapy to name but a few procedures. 

His journey has just started. And even though everyone they have encountered working in the amazing NHS are doing their very best to help their little boy,  the statistics make for grim reading and there will come a time, that we all hope, when he will be in remission and eligible for further treatment not yet available in this country. 

Over the next year Reuben and his amazing family will be turning their attention to fundraising efforts to help raise funds for overseas treatment once he is in remission. The initial costs for this are anticipated to be £250,000.

And this is where I come in, as a fellow mother (soon to be to two children) my heart goes out to them, and I cant NOT help. I cant even imagine how they cope every day, how they stay strong, how they continue to fight - they are all courageous, incredible human beings and this is why I must TRY to help. So here goes...

That's right, my beloved hair is going and in return I hope you ALL can donate something: anything, it doesnt matter the amount but I need you all.Forgo your daily coffee for a month, put down that pair of shoes you want, and say no to that bottle of wine, put yourself in their shoes: I would do anything in my absolute power to save or help someone in need and now you can do the same. Please donate HERE

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/Reubensfight 

As I look on at my daughter and feel utterly blessed, I feel compelled to help this family, my friends, get through the toughest battle yet.

PLEASE HELP.

International Women's Day

Girls, what a time to be alive.... seriously. As women we've always been pretty formidable but now, things have ramped up a level. We are finally being recognised as an equal sex, and gender worth taking note of. No longer are we being ignored, beaten down - finally we are being noticed for the kick ass.

I wanted to share the love on this International Women's Day of some ladies who quite simply I look up to in awe, the ones who make me believe I can do better, achieve more and be proud of me. So here goes:


Mother Pukka:

Mother Pukka or a.k.a Anna Whitehouse has been a formidable, mama in action creating a whole shit storm of kick assery! Not only does she speak to us mamas and papas on real, down to earth way about this thing we call parenting but this woman gives us so much more. Currently working on something called The Flex Appeal. Working her teeny stylish ass off for more flexible working which EVERY parent dreams of. This woman amazes me with her candidness, her ability to make us all feel as ease, the way she does everything with such style and flair (including wearing some pretty amazing lip colours) but everything she works on is for US, this remote, online parenting community. WHAT A LADY!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE,

Mother of daughters: 

This lady is my absolute girl crush - mama to 4, yes thats 4 young beautiful women, midwife by trade but all round amazing lady. Clemmie is someone I've followed on Instagram, read her blog Gas and Air from start to finish and just loved seeing grow into the superstar she is. Being a midwife by trade, Clemmie instill in us the power and knowledge we need to birth our babies the way WE want. Being pregnant with number two now this is something I am so keen to get right second time around, and following this woman has made me feel strong enough to do so. She's a girls girl, creating her stance in this world and well n truly leaving her mark - whilst parenting 4 girls! WOW!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE

Maia Grace Trudgian:

Another 'insta' fave of mine, and man this woman should be on the covers of magazines - just look at her, she's beautiful. Maia is my kinda girl, she is who she is, never shys away and dares to be different. Her wardrobe is like my DREAM and has a growing, owner of ever so successful business Lucky Little Acorns that she started all by herself. As well as being pretty darn the full package she is a superb mama to the stunning gorgeous little Bronte. She's just like you and me and brings her warmth to her Instagram. She's def one to follow.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and LuckyLittleAcorns site HERE

Susie Verrill

LOVE THIS LADY SO MUCH. She's the type of girl you long to be your best friend. She often makes me laugh so much I snort out my daily coffee on her Instagram stories, she has the hair of mermaids, the most gorgeous little boy who is probably the best dressed toddler Ive ever seen, oh and she writes the best blog I've read in a LONG time! My Milo and Me, is the first 'mummy blog' that made me nod my head in agreement, made me cry tears of laughter and also through the fact that someone else has made feel like Im not alone. Susie is a gem.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

The Mummy Diary

Ive known of Ellie for a while -we have worked together and well, she is just the loveliest lady EVER. Mama to 2 gorgeous kids, this woman has picked herself up and shown us all just how strong us women can be. Truthful, thoughtful, candid and owner of the best jelly shoes I've ever laid eyes on, this lady fully deserves an accolade. Her parenting and lifestyle blog is one of my favourites, and she loves cake... whats not to love?
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

Rachael Kellett

Rachael, in my eyes, was one of the first people who owned a brand selling MAMA type apparel. I fell in love with her MAMA tees and since then her little shop has got bigger and better. Since then, this amazing lady has given birth to another little bubba and yet shes added MORE products and is going great guns! The woman is unstoppable. She is also the owner of the best fringe and shiniest hair I've ever clapped eyes on.... win win!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Mother like no other

Becky is another mama who is taking the apparel world on, and beating it good and proper. I've followed Becky on Instagram for a while and I fall in love with everything she produces and the stories behind it Part of every sale goes towards a charity very close to my heart PANDAS, but most of this is a mama who is juggling being a parent with creating a brand, a kick ass brand that manages to team my FAVE colour combos together. Total love for this actual babe.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Go forth fellow women.... lets go be incredible together... lets build each other up.... 

Judgement day

As a 20 something, childless, unmarried woman, being judged or judging someone was not even on my radar. I used to go about my daily life just BEING, happy as larry with not a  care in the world. If someone had made a judgement on me I probably wouldn't of cared, a young carefree mind will do that - you just don't worry. Fast forward to now, a grown woman in her 30s (33 to be exact) and I find my every day life is just crammed full of judgments, and from the least expected people.

First up came the judgments over not being married to my long term partner and not being bothered about it - "surely you think its time to get married, you've been together far too long to still be boyfriend and girlfriend" Next up came the decision to have children - "So... it wont be long before you two are going to have children". The endless comments and judgments came thick and fast - people are opinionated, I get that but sometimes this obvious views of MY life from OTHER people was a little hard to stomach.

Of course when Liv came along, the style of judgement changed and from whom they came from. Strangers, family, friends and dare I say it, other mothers. Style of feeding, type of routine, style of parenting, occupation - pretty much everything warranted SOME kind of opinion or judgement from others. Now being a 30+ fully grown adult, these opinions and judgements DO affect me. No more Miss carefree, every word and comment affect every part of my everyday life - I hold the words inside me and just like that, when Im alone, or having a bad day they all come back, spoken to me, out loud. Making me self-doubt. Self-doubt when youre a parent is soul destroying - how can you teach your offspring about the positive, happy things in life ? to remain positive? I look at the things I do and wonder if I'm failing my child, failing my husband, failing myself - just those few words from a person can cause me to self doubt my entire being.

I hope those people who DO judge, read this and realise that the few tiny words that fall out of their mouths can have an affect more than they realise, and how detrimental it can be to fellow mothers.

Lets learn to be kind, compassionate and most of all: NON JUDGEMENTAL. You never know when you might NOT want to be judged.

13 week bump

Is it wrong to be HUGELY excited that I am posting my first bump update (albeit it already over a week late) but here I am/was 13 weeks!

I've been longing to do my first update and to hopefully keep it up - I never continued with Liv on a week by week basis so I felt like I dont have any markers to look back on, so here's hoping I can keep this up and it doesn't bore you all too much!

Overall:
I want to say I've been feeling a-ok but the truth is I've really not. As much as I enjoy pregnancy, this time round compared to my first, well, it couldn't be more different. Everything was plain sailing with Liv, but this time round I can't catch a break from the constant sickness and by constant I really do mean it. Suffering with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) has hit me well n truly hard this time round rendering me most days useless. My one saving  grace, believe it or not, is the fact I HAVE to carry on because of daydream having a toddler. Admittedly there has been way too many times when I've spent the morning/afternoon hunched over in the bathroom and had Liv 'pat,pat' me on the back (bless her) I THINK I may be coming out of the sickness tunnel by now only FEELING sick rather than actually BEING sick so I guess I should count my blessings. Aside from that, my tiredness is slowly seeping away and instead of brain-numbingly tired, Im just normal 'toddler tired' which is something.
It's a funny old thing being pregnant because despite me being sick as a dog I still consider myself so damn lucky to be in this position so every time I feel down I try to pep myself up with these thoughts.

Size:
I'm not gonna lie to you all, I am SO much bigger this time round than with the 1st pregnancy. Hell, I dont just look it, I FEEL IT. Im starting to wear a few bits of maternity clothes that I kept from the last pregnancy, especially the leggings because lets face it, those things are the most comfy things in the whole history of the world.

Symptoms:
Admittedly aside from the endless sicksville, other obvious symptoms have been taking a back seat. My boobs are still randomly sore, and Im still finding myself need to pee WAY quicker than my norm - but maybe this will subside soon too.
I'm suffering YET again with my back and sciatica (this time early on) so any advice would be greatly appreciated!
My mood is a little hard to write down because I feel like I'm a crazy woman lately - I flit from being happy to sad in the click of a fingers and Im trying to keep a handle on these feelings. Obviously with my past experience with postnatal depression there is an extremely high chance that I will get it again and also of prenatal depression. This time round Im trying to channel myself into more positive thinking, getting some needed 'me' time and working around positive affirmations (more on this another time)

Cravings:
STILL fresh orange juice. I am literally going through liters of the stuff and yes, I know its not particularly good for me but OH MY GOSH I need it.

Sleep:
Yeah...... With the problems with my back/sciatica my sleep has been increasingly more disturbed. I wake up about 4 or 5 times a night and am struggling to get back to sleep after. Truth be known, I was expecting to find this HARD to deal with, but I guess experience at lack of sleep has got me in good stead because well... I'm still functioning!

Gender:
Unknown, although I can't help but think it's a girl again, I would ever so LOVE a boy but beggars can't be choosers!

Low point of this week:
Feeling unwell in Sainsbury and having to ditch the trolley and run to the loo (obviously WITH Liv in tow)

High point this week:
Spending time with my Tuesday group - good friends are needed right now!

More next week...

One to Watch: The home of colour

I'm an absolute stickler for colour, and even more so on Liv - I just love seeing her dressed head to toe in bright pinks, fluro oranges, flashy yellows and anything with a crazy print. There's something about those zany prints and colour that just screams Liv and her equally colourful personality!

On a past blog I wrote about a site called Diddle Pigs and they've just had a revamp of their already brilliant site and added some seriously cool new lines.

First up is the brand Meri Meri! I hadn't even heard of these guys until the're very colourful selves popped up on the site. I'm not gonna lie to you but I am drawn to anything remotely 'pineapple' so it was love at first site of their Pineapple rucksack, also their pouches? I am SO having them as a makeup bag!

1 - Pineapple rucksack £18

2 - Cactus pouch £13,50

3 - Rainbow pouch £13.50
check them out HERE

Next up is Pebble Toys. I just love toys that arent plastic, I mean seriously I swear half my house is full of plastic tat and Im not even sure Liv enjoys it all that much. These knitted handmade toys not only look bloody great, but I cant bet your bottom dollar your kids will adore them. I may have to fight Liv off for these! 

1 - Flamigo cuddle toy £34.95

2 - Carrot rattle toy £6.95

check them out HERE

Now these next one, I pretty much want one in every colour. Mama Designs make the most super soft, super colour cellular blankets around. I'm not gonna lie, I want to use these blankets for round the house but alas, one for Liv is a necessity. We use blankets all the time in our house as shes a real sofa snuggler, but begone the boring bay pink, there is definitely a new blanket in town! 

1,2, and 3 £22.95

check them out HERE

Lastly, these little bad boys have featured on my previous blog and on my Instagram but I am still so in love with them it hurts. Badges have had a new lease of life lately and nothing screams statement more than these ones by Diglot. Real not perfect and You are enough badges are the perfect empowerment messages for us mamas every day. Sometimes we need to know that we are doing A-OK and are doing enough and these... well, these have given me some serious kick-ass moments! 

check them out HERE

For me, Diddle Pigs is a site that just works for me. Decent brands, amazing products with story and life and all run by a fellow warrior and mama. 

The one where I cant stand my own voice

Im talker, I love talking - to pretty much anyone and everyone. Im not necessarily good at it but I like it. I dislike silence and will always be that person who fills it with mindless chatter, thats just who I am. However as the days go on I'm becoming a little tired of my own voice - the shouting one.

I've always thought I'd be a calm mother, and y'know what I pretty much was... until Liv grew a whole new personality overnight and this is when it started, all day long, every day "don't touch that, dont do that, come here now, no, yes, dont you dare, if I have to tell you once more" these words not only make me sound like my mother but they are also the most used phrases used in my house. Liv is now 19 months old and with that has developed a defiant personality. She is beginning to push boundaries even I didn't think existed and I'm not gonna lie to you - its pushing every button of mine.

I thought the whole tantrum-thing was almost imaginary, deeming Liv a placid child who didn't show any inkling for the need to tantrum and not do as I say, but here we are, Friday the 17th February and mostly this week I have spent my time witnessing a whole new side to Liv and consequently being sick of the sound of my own voice. Dont get me wrong she's not being intentionally naughty but there is an element of defiance, going against what I've said JUST because. I know some of you may argue its the way I parent (I've always been on the softly softly side of parenting since she was born) and now I'm reaping the not-so-nice benefits, but in all honesty I actually dont know where I've gone wrong?!

I emergency text my friend the other day in some desperation over the sheer horrible-ness of Livs behavior and these exact words were typed out "it's like she hates me" because at that moment in time it really was like she did. I'm not sure if any of you other mothers agree, but the moment your child looks at you like that - well, that can make you feel all kinds of s*** and worst of all, I caught myself shouting at Liv. Who the hell have I become???

Catching sight of something that you swore you never would do is pretty HORRID, and it's constantly playing on my mind. Do I want to become that mum who spends her entire shouting at her child? Will my child rebel at me shouting and end up shouting at me? If I dont shout how the frick do I get over the tantrums? How do I make myself feel like Im controlling the situation? This part was NEVER included in my baby book, this was never discussed in my antenatal classes. and the worst thing ever... is my child just really naughty and am I the only one suffering?

If anyone needs me I'll be the one hiding in the corner....

Learning to be loved...

 

Happy Valentines Day all!

I've never been a HUGE one for Valentines day - I put it down to being way to commercial, expensive and unnecessary, however the truth is I've never really been on board with the whole 'love' thing.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and LOVE my husband, but my problem stemmed from when I was alot younger and was bullied for such a long period of my life for a multitude of things (think playground and teenage angst) that I never really understood HOW anyone could ever really love me. That seems like a really sad statement, but essentially it's true. I've never been a very big fan of my own self and was always told that 'how could I expect other people to love me, if I didn't love myself' and so, I thought, that this was me... not capable of being loved. It was no bother to me really... people were right - I could name you a gazillion things that I DIDN'T love about me, that surely no-one in their right mind would find things about me that they COULD love, that wasn't the way life worked. When I met my now husband I used to repeatedly doubt his decision and do various things in order to push him away and now, despite us being married and together for 14 years I still do it. However all that changed when I gave birth..

Along with the many 50 million things you get told when you're having a baby, the one thing many mothers will tell you is the instant rush of love you will have for this little bundle of flesh and that is undoubtedly and unfathomably true. The love you feel for this human is unreal, it goes beyond anything you've probably ever felt but what they dont tell you is how much you will feel, and you will learn, TO BE LOVED.

It was a totally new concept to me that this human could love me and actually show me that they loved me. Everyone used to tell me how hard parenting was and how selfish it was with the baby being all take, take, take and essentially for the first 6 months that is true (there's no sugar coating it) but hell... when that babe clings to you in the night, or runs to you when he/she hurts himself.. gah... that is the worlds most amazing feeling... to be loved and wanted by this tiny little person that you grew. I never knew that I was this likable person that could be fun, could be authoritative and could possibly make someone love them but seeing it through your child's eyes proves just how much I am loved.

My husband, albeit not his fault, is not the most affectionate or 'lovey-dovey' person and I get it... thats him, but seeing the way he looks at me when Liv kisses me or runs to me shouting "MUMMY" makes me see, right there, that I am loved and I can be loved. Babies/kids know nothing of the horror or complexities of this world and survive on basic emotions - life is essentially very simple for them, so seeing a child hold your hand, choose to come and sit on your lap, or stroke your foot when you drop a hard-backed book on it, suddenly causes you to open your god damn eyes and take it what is there, this 'thing' LOVES YOU.

This Valentines day I count myself very lucky - no cards, no flowers, no pressies, but with one tiny stroke of a small persons hand across my face makes me know I am loved beyond all means.

Chapter Two...

I always knew 2017 was going to be a good one - there were high hopes of a family holiday in the sun, some time away just me and the husband, some lovely dinner dates and alot of prosecco being consumed, our fortunes were going to be better, life was going to be simpler, and I for one was in a much better mindset.

Well... 2017 had a one hell of a laugh at me....

oh yes thats right ladies and gents. we're doing it all again! Baby number #2 is on its way - EDD August 2017! I'm not gonna lie to you, Im about as shocked as you all are. That's not to say its not a welcome shock, because hell its most definitely seriously wanted, HOWEVER it has come like a bolt of lightening. I dont think I'll ever forget the moment I found I was pregnant with Liv and I sure as hell wont forget this time round either. Rather un-romantically and UN-Instagram worthy, I had completely lost track of my period dates because lets face it I can barely remember to change my underwear these days, and so I suddenly thought whilst making toast shaped characters for Liv for breakfast one day that 'holy shit I haven't had a period' and so upstairs I ran (checking my daughter was safe obviously) I grabbed a test that was leftover from first time round (these things last right?!) and went for a pee. I forgot about the stick until Liv went down for a nap not thinking that there was a hope, but there it was.... a cross. positive. a big fat positive. I aint gonna lie to you, I couldn't finish the cuppa I made myself, instead I sat for a (long) while in silence.

It may seem that Im not happy about this news but hell, you couldn't be more wrong - I'm ecstatic but frigging hell, the shock, the fact it happened for us alone was pretty much a miracle (some of you know about my health issues) but my first thought went to Liv. How on earth was I gonna do this?

More on this and my other thoughts later, but there ya have it... I am with child... my second child. Holy crap, I am going to be a mum of two *gulp* hold on tight folks.....

The non-smiley, smiley baby

All babies are supposed to be smiley right? When you think of a baby you automatically picture this nice, serene little bundle of flesh, smiling away at everyone and everything. When you meet someones child, of course you want that child to like you and be the one that it smiles at, and I dont know about you, I wanted that child to be mine. When I was waiting for the arrival of my very own babe, I couldn't wait to see it's smile, and to have it beam at others and then be complimented! Ah THE DREAM.

All that changed when Liv came along.... Y'see Liv isn't your typical smile-r. and by typical I mean, she doesn't warm to people instantly, and quite often she wears the look of suspect on her tiny baby face. For me and my husband Liv always smiles and laughs and it almost comes easy, but have her look at anyone else? nope. No hello big smiles, no giggles when you tickle her, no toothy grins when you give her a treat, and lord almighty dont try to cuddle her. This wouldn't be so bad to me if I wasn't met with countless comments about how serious she is, or "someones not happy" I mean really?

Surely in life, as we grow up we are met with all kind of criticism, comments and judges from people so is it really fair to be judging a baby on the expression of her face? I think not. There is nothing more that rubs me up the wrong way, when people comment on how serious Liv is. I KNOW she is serious, I KNOW she's not smiling for you - I can see her too yknow, but the truth is I'm ok with it, but what I'm not ok with is people judging Liv on this basis alone. Of course, being typically British I go into panic mode when someone comments on her demeanor an make up stories as to WHY she isn't happy or doing her best Carol Smilie impression.

Liv saves her smiles and her enthusiasm for things that really get her going... hell, I've seen her laugh like a drain at a jigsaw puzzle once, she'll smile to herself when she feeds her toy baby and sometimes she even smiles for a complete randomer on the street - it happens, her face isnt broken. But she just figures everything out, she contemplates and so her squidgy features remain stoic. This may not last forever, but maybe she'll be like this forever but one thing you can bet you bottom dollar on is that if Liv does smile at you, she REALLY ruddy means it.

Skin issues

As well as having an ass like a sack of blamanche, a belly that looks like a tyre ran over it and two 'so-called' breasts that now resemble some old sports socks, post motherhood hasnt been kind to my skin. Pre-children I was what you would call someone who was lucky with their skin - I hardly ever got a spot, never used to wear concealer or foundation and would often get complimented on how good my skin was - fast forward until now, and well, my skin has developed a new kind of sensitive - think 13 yr old boy getting turned down for the school disco, my skin is just EVERYWHERE now.

I have always been an E45 kinda girl. I used to toye with other products but to be fair they never really used to do much for my already good skin so I stuck to something plain. I still use E45 but mainly because everything else just irritates it, but my skin literally changes every day. So one day I could have the worst spot breakout you could imagine, the next the tightest and driest skin, then next week I will come up with a reaction from SOMETHING and have painful itchy skin - my child changes her mind alot, but hell on earth, my skin is playing a whole different game.

I've been at a loss as to what to try, even after visiting my GP after a particular bad bout of a flare up on my face that they prescribed me steroids (for my face god dammit) that I decided to look into something that could help, and this is where my attention turned to the brand Weleda. I had read on an Instagram post how great the Calendula massage oil was and because I had reached a low point I decided to immediately order it online and give it a whirl.

So, what is it supposed to do? apparently the ingredients are calming for the skin and let me tell you I sure as hell need THAT! I've never really used an oil before so I was a bit dubious about looking like a greasy Spanish waiter, however the beauty with an oil is that you don't need that much so you save alot of wastage!Firstly, the smell is ABSOLUTELY amazing -  I mean, yknow that relaxing spa-type smell? its that. It smells just relaxing, clean and gentle. Applying it first time did indeed leave me looking a little, errr, sweaty, thanks to my over zealous applying however since the 'sweaty' incident I've been extra cautious. I had several red patches on my skin that after applying were a little less red, and certainly didn't feel as angry as before.

I've been using this oil every day for about 2 weeks now and my skin is alot better is terms of breakout, and the redness and patches have almost disappeared. I'm not gonna lie to you but its not exactly a great base for make-up. It tends to slide off your face if you're not careful, but overall I really like it. I think once the irritation in my face disappears I might only use it once or twice a week but otherwise it was a spot on buy!

I purchased mine from Amazon as I had vouchers and it cost £8.45 + P&P but there are loads of sites online that stock the product too.