Learning how to deal with a subchorionic hematoma

So far this pregnancy has been scary - not just because I feel like Im still grieving and yearning over the loss of my first twin but I am having to deal with daily bleeding. Everyone will tell you that the thing they are most scared about it pregnancy is bleeding - bleeding means miscarriage right!?

Well... not always. Y'see, after finding out I HAD miscarried twin number one, but twin number two was surviving I thought that was the end of the scary time, I could go on my merry way and relish in the pregnancy that was currently live, but that wasn't meant to be. A mere matter of weeks following my twin miscarriage did I start bleeding again. I was utterly shocked and devastated, scared, sick to the stomach and so very fearful. Surely this remaining pregnancy was going the same way as the other twin? Here I found myself back in A&E, trying to shield my tear stained face from the people in the waiting area, all I kept wondering was whether the baby was still alive.

Ultrasounds and tests later showed that baby was still alive and healthy but I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma - when the consultant told me this I literally looked at him blankly. This was not something I had heard of, nor had I read about in my pregnancy books. Bearing in mind this is my third pregnancy I literally had NO idea what this thing was. Subchorionic hematomas is where an accumulation of blood forms in the folds of the chorion (the outer fetal membrane near the placenta)  or between the uterus and placenta itself. The only symptoms for a hematoma is obviously bleeding, or unless it is picked up on a scan. I would love to tell you that when the consultant told me this was the cause I felt settled, because to be honest with you I didn't. Looking at the facts alot of hematomas can heal in the pregnancy and are only deemed more dangerous in the first trimester and usually go by the second but because mine started IN the second trimester and is well, still here and bleeding, I felt scared.

Statistics wise, around 1% of all pregnancies have a subchorionic bleed and most dissolve on their own. There is a rare risk for the hematoma can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall.

So, where do I go from here? Well, Im still bleeding. Every day. I feel like I am living in fear - sometimes Im sure the bleeding and spotting is worse than others, and sometimes its barely there. Im quite often scared to pick up heavy amounts yknow 'just in case' and the other day I had a long bout of sneezing and ended up bleeding alot which now means I'm even too scared to sneeze. I am being kept a close eye on and on my 20 week scan they will measure the bleed and keep track on it closely in the hope it starts to reabsorb but my midwife has warned me that it may be like this for the entire duration of the pregnancy and you know what... that scares me the most.

So how am I feeling? well, pretty shocking tbh. My love and joy of pregnancy is being marred by this ordeal and as pessimistic as it seems everything that has happened has made me so fearful, even when being told by the professionals that it could be fine I almost dont believe them. I have made myself acutely aware of the condition and taken it into my own hands by being more forceful that I normally would to get more care. On the outside I a putting a brave face on it, but everytime I see blood when I go to the toilet, or see it stained my stomach literally drops. Its in my head all the time and I think forever will be until the day I give birth. Im hoping my outcome is as positive as the statistics show and right now I am working on my mindfulness, living a more simple life and trying to ditch negative energy in the hope I can bring some more positive thinking into my life to enable me to deal with my grief and this situation.

Postnatal depression and me - two years on

I wasn't sure if I should write this, I certainly wasn't sure if I should press 'publish' either. In fact, I must have started typing and then stopped a gazillion times, but hey, here we are.

Liv is two years old, it has been two years since she was born and two years since I was in the midst of the most terrible mental health breakdown ever. Y'see I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my lovely Liv and therein began my journey, one of the most difficult and hardest journey I've ever experienced and probably will ever experience in my life.

I've talked very openly about my struggles with this debilitating illness, an illness that ruined the first 4 months of Livs life for me. I was stuck in my body, in my mind that wasn't ME. I felt no bond with my child, but at the same time my anxiety at being away from her reached fever pitch if I even dared to go upstairs in the house without her, I couldn't handle my husband going back to work after paternity leave and used to hysterically cry at the door, begging him not to leave me alone with this thing. Back then, Liv wasn't my child, she was this thing that was given to me, not even as a gift, but as a burden. She had taken away my existing life, everything that I had once known and loved. I was no longer me, I was being punished, I was living in hell. I hated myself at this person I had become and was, when whilst I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to be the perfect mum. There in came the day where I could no longer take it anymore and rang my midwife and begged her to come to me otherwise I was going to walk out on my daughter.... I had admitting this. I sound nuts, and in fact I probably was for a long while but something inside me told me I couldn't cope, I needed help. And thats where my long road to recovery began.

They call it a road to recovery purely because it literally has every twist and turn you could ever imagine. I've had moments where I genuinely thought i was getting better only for the next hour to feel like I wanted to disappear never to come back. I've been on medication only to think I was better and taking myself off them, then shortly having to go back on them. I've had counselling and different therapy, I've talked to friends and family, spoken to people I dont know about PND and tried to come to terms with just how much this illness affected me and those around me.

Two years since the diagnosis so where am I now? I am off medication and no longer have therapy. Do I still suffer from PND - absolutely. I think in my hear of hearts this 'thing' will never ever go away, I will just have some really good sound days and others where there is no other option but to cry my way through the day. Ultimately I've learn how to be kinder to me - being a mum is so draining both physically and mentally that I think unless you take time for you and be kind TO YOU, there will be no other way out than to drain yourself of who you are. I've also learnt to filter my relationships - no longer am I in contact with people who are toxic to me - those with too forceful opinions, those who drain me of the positive. Instead my small quota of friends is perfect and yknow waht? they like me for me. I try to be more open with my feelings too now - so when Im having a bad day I wont try to fake it, ill acknowledge how Im feeling, process it and hopefully move on. but dont get me wrong, there are still the very dark days.

Its no secret that I am petrified of having to go through the same thing post baby number two - it is filling me with dread and is, somewhat, taking away any kind of planning I might want to do for fear of not knowing 'how Im going to be'. My only way of getting through this is thinking how things, if they do go wrong, how I can change them and get help quicker. I have a much better support network than first time round and with my past I feel Im able to maybe talk about it a little more, I do sometimes think people are waiting to see if it DOES happen but hopefully this time round I can lean on the right type of people and get myself out from underneath the dark cloud quicker.

Placenta woes

I've been pretty laid back about this pregnancy, and in fact my first pregnancy seemed to go relatively ok minus slight high blood pressure towards the end and of course there was a side to me, a very large side, that believed this pregnancy was going to be exactly the same.... why wouldnt it be? Well, my placenta had other ideas.

I dont know about you, but I was a little bit dumb when it came to anything understanding my placenta or positions of the placenta, of course I knew it done a very big and important job but after my 20 week scan I found that my placenta had positioned itself both very low and anterior. When the sonographer first told me I kinda batted an eyelid and when back to staring at the picture of my unborn bubs on the screen, it wasn't until she said she was going to have to refer me back to my consultant to discuss it further,  did I realise that this indeed could be a problem.

I was handed a leaflet and was sent on my way. I was confused. I didn't really understand what was wrong, why it had happened and what it meant for the remaining part of my pregnancy. There was an element of disappointment also: I mean Id had a near on perfect pregnancy first time round and a good labour, I was so set up in this safe little cocoon second time round presuming everything was fine and there it was in big bold letters in the leaflet - PLACENTA PRAEVIA.

Placenta praevia is basically a complication of pregnancy where the placenta, that feeds the growing baby, is attached to the lower part of the womb which can either be near to, or completely covering the cervix, and for those who aren't too sure - you kinda need space near the cervix so y'know, baby can pop out! Most of the time this condition is picked up in the 20week scan (like mine) however some women experience bleeding which can also lead to this diagnosis.
So, what's the symptoms? Bleeding. Any bleeding from placenta praevia at the entrance to the womb in the second half of the pregnancy can be heavy and a risk to the baby and the mother's health and obviously alongside bleeding is the risk of anaemia, pale skin, rapid and  weak pulse, shortness of breath, or low blood pressure, and of course alongside this the majority of placenta praevia cases are delivery by c-section which is something I really didn't want. In some cases of placenta praevia the placenta will in fact move up as the uterus grows and so with this information I spent my days just hoping that this would be me. 

When I talk about how it made me feel Im fully aware that it makes me sound like a complete twat, however after hitting 30 weeks I was still told that my placenta was still in the same place so Im not afraid to admit I felt beyond disappointed and sad. For me it felt like despite my body doing this amazing thing and making a baby, it was failing at the last hurdle and failing to provide the right environment to bring a healthy baby into the world. I think as parents we always strive and want to provide the best possible care for our children and when, as a woman, you're pregnant, you feel so much responsibility to keep this thing safe and well, my body wasn't doing that. The thing I found hardest was when people would ask why I'm having so many scans and having to admit that my placenta was covering my cervix. I felt a certain amount of embarrassment having to tell them that actually my body wasn't performing like others, even more so when it was in comparison with other women that were pregnant at the same time as me! 

The other thing which I found really hard to stomach was the fact I felt like I couldn't plan for the birth. Everything felt so up in the air that it seemed confusing to plan for either a c-section (something which I really didn't want) or for a natural birth which seemed like such a distant idea. My consultant and midwife unfortunately left me feeling very much 'up in the air' as they were all 'lets just wait and see' which I know isn't their fault but it felt so very vague, which was a stark contrast to their rather stern talking too that they gave me initially about the diagnosis - I've never been more frightened by the 'no sex' talk they gave me! 

And so, I was left to wait it out.....  which as any pregnant woman knows is ruddy HARD WORK. I made the mistake of obviously googling everything too which I think probably wasn't such a good idea but I was lucky to have a few really good friends who made me feel it was ok which is key. 

I am however now 35 weeks pregnant and just this week I have finally been told that my placenta has indeed moved out of the way to clear me for a normal labour which, of course, is music to my ears, but I am not out of the woods yet as I still have my high blood pressure to keep under control and positioning of baby! Keep those fingers crossed!

I'd be really interested to hear more about your placenta stories - did anyone have a placenta that didnt move? if yours moved did you go on to have a natural vaginal birth?

32 week bump

Cliche - WHERE IS THE TIME GOING!?!? 32 weeks already... I cannot believe it, and into the third trimester now.

Its crazy to think that in just 8/9 weeks time Ill be a mum of two (obviously dependent on when the babe decides to make her entrance! So much has happened since I last updated you all when all was quiet. It has now turned into hospital, midwife, consultant appointment galore with added scans to see baby (which is always nice) So I thought it would be time for a little update on the bump!

Overall:
Things have been a little trying lately, and not for any other reason than a mixture of hormones and the fact I feel HUGE and I'm so frustrated at not being able to be with Liv properly, and play with her like I used too. Its a serious case of mum-guilt times a gazillion. Ive been trying to remain positive but my meditation times have taken a back seat thank to Love Island (my new nap time watch) and I feel like Im paying the price a little for it. Alongside this, I think the sudden panic of realising we're going to have another baby = meaning needing more money, more space, more patience..... all things we dont have enough of!

Size:
Well... according to the midwives and consultant I am spot on in terms of size for how far along, but oh my lordy I feel and look MAHOOSIVE! It's scary! I dont know if its just because I've forgotten how big you do get when pregnant and how your body changes, or I really AM this whale-like.... either way, in this weeks past heat wave Ive decided to give zero fucks and spend my majority of time in my bra and pants... obviously when Im indoors.. honest

Symptoms:
Sciatica is still kicking my ass tbh - I just want to sleep god damn it, but HA! as if! I have my pregnancy pillow which does help and I am still trying  out the stretches but I think I'm doomed until the sprog comes out. Tiredness STILL, I swear being pregnant second time round is SO different when you have a toddler to run after. At the end of an evening, when Liv is in bed I swear I just sit and stare at a switched off tv in silence... just because....
I dont know if you can call this a symptom because tbf I dont really feel it, BUT I have high blood presure (I had it in late stages pregnancy first time round) but this time round its started super early so I am being monitored closely - Im going to do more of a post on this later but I definteyl think there needs to be more notice taken about blood pressure.
Alongside my BP issues, I have a very low lying placenta which is causing them a little bit of a concern (again more on this soon) obviously if my placenta doesnt move then a c-section is my only mode of delivery, something I really really dont want! I'll do a blog post on this more later.
Other than that I feel alot more heavier than first time round but I do think this might have something to do with a small tantrumming toddler to run after!

Cravings:
None what so ever! I get a little bit jealous of women who have cravings! I dont seem to of had any!

Sleep:
Non-existant! It's true what they say about this preparing you for all the sleepless nights up ahead. My normal routine is falling asleep on the sofa early evening, going to bed and waking up at about 2am and being awake for 3 or 4 hours! It's so soul destroying!

Gender:
It's another girl!

Low point of this week:
One word: HEATWAVE... enough said!          

High point this week:
Managing to successfully say NO to something that was gonna stress me out,  and I feel so much better for it!

Feeling the heat... what they DON'T tell you about being pregnant in the Summer

So, I'm not new to this, it's my second baby AND my second Summer baby. Liv was born in July and the new addition is due in August, so you'd think I was only too aware as to what Id let myself in for, but y'see time is most definitely a healer and with it I seemed to of forgotten what sheer hell awaited for me come the sun.

Here is my list of what they don't tell you about being pregnant in the Summer and heat:

1. You sweat. more than you ever thought was possible. it comes out of every orifice, every nook and cranny. You don't even need to do anything in particular to make you suddenly feel your top lip glisten: today I was purely sat on the sofa and I was sweating profusely. Also who knew that you could sweat quite so much from underneath your boobs.... seriously...
2. Because of the above be fully prepared to change your clothes more than once a day. If not for the sweating alone, it'll be because everything feels just so. bloody. tight. and constricting. 
3. It is possible to swell EVEN MORE when pregnant because of the heat. Even my bump feels way more bigger, and then there's your hands and oh my the feet... the sausage trotters..... 
4. You'll want to drink so much water. And just when you think you've drunk enough your mouth will feel like Ghandi's flipflop once more and you'll need to down another pint of fluid - obviously visiting the toilet 3948575739296 times in the interim
5. Small tasks become like the very end of the world. I dropped a fork on the floor in the kitchen today, and I can safely say I feared for my knees, my back and the ability to lift myself back up off the floor. Everything you do will move 350x times more slower than you thought possible.
6. No summer cocktails for you. I am rather partial to a nice cooling refreshing mojitos come the summer however not this time.... yeah try the non-alcoholic version thats just the same.. NOT!
7. You'll suddenly find yourself turning everything into a fan or cooling device. Today I used my living room door to waft some air at myself, I used my child's muslin to soak in water and then drape over my feet and I'm not gonna lie to you, I very nearly grabbed a cooler pack from the freezer and strapped it to my undercarriage. Man you get hot around there!
8. The very thought of wearing a bra will seem EVEN more hellish than normal. It will grip you where it shouldn't and hold your ever expanding bust to ransom and then slowly itch you, make you sweat more and rub you until you cant take it anymore and you just have to take it off.... but we all know what its like carrying around 2 preggo boobies dont we, add in them being set free and well...
9. You won't be glowing in pregnancy, it will be sweat. On your brow, over your top lip and oddly behind your ears. Your make up will slowly but surely slide off your face until you look a very moist coco the clown.
10. Hello odd tan lines. Your body is unable to tan nicely whilst pregnant. Instead you'll tan stupidly easily and develop some nice odd unexplainable patches to go alongside your new glow.

Obviously it's not all bad, and there are way more upsides, but being preggo when the heat rises is HARD! Anyone else with me on this??

Enough love for two

The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?

I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.

Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.

I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?

As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.

Spanners in the works...

My first pregnancy went pretty much simply.. there were elements of surprise like every single pregnancy but overall there was nothing that worried me. I was lucky. So of course, it's part and parce lto just assume that my second pregnancy would go exactly the same right? WRONG.

Let me first say, that by no means is it the worst case scenario, but this whole pregnancy has taken me and my health by surprise.

First up there was falling pregnant in the first place. After being diagnosed with a chronic bowel condition and being on strong drugs for a long time and having various operations the chances of me concieving were pretty much nowt. I was told by the Dr to pretty much expect a case of secondary infertility and with that my dreams of having a second sproglette disappeared. For someone who never thought she'd have children in the first place the way the news hit me shocked me more than I could've imagined - however I guess one managed to make it through and there I found myself seeing two lines on that magical little stick.

I knew that the chronic bowel condition could lead to complication is I was so lucky as to fall pregnant and for this reason alone I was told I would be under consultant led care rather than midwife this pregnancy, however due to my family history with high blood pressure and in my late pregnancy I had slightly raised blood pressure it meant my problems were going to be slightly exasperated. I've had endless trips to both my GP's for BP checks, and to the hospital for meetings with my consultant to check how Im doing which was fine - both of these scenarios I was already aware of an felt mentally I could handle them.

As some of you may already know, I had my 20 week scan the other week (a little late than expected) and we found out we were expecting another little GIRL, however alongside this we were told that
my placenta is low and therefore I was going to need more monitoring. I hadn't read much into this and awaited my antenatal clinic appointment at the hspital to talk it through with my consultant, and  this was when I was well n truly scared out of my wits. The very kind, lovely Dr told me all about the risks of a low lying placenta, mine is partially covering the cervix (TMI), the hope that it might move, the emphasis on what to do if I start bleeding, the fact there is a high chance of bleeding, how I might need to be admitted to hospital for bedrest, I was told no sex (as if Id be doing that anyway) heavy lifting and to avoid any trauma and of course my risk of now having to have a C-Section delivery, something I can't even process right now. I've been given two extra scans to check on the baby for both growth (due to blood pressure) and positioning of the placenta. I am also back to the clinic in 4 weeks again.

In the car on the way home, I cried. This was all so scary to me. This teeny tiny baby that was, in my mind, growing healthily, was depending on me and my body to take care of it, to nurture it and here I was being told that my body wasnt doing as it should. I had risks coming out of my ears for various things and all I could feel was disappointment. Obviously we dont get to pick the hand of cards we are dealt with, but all I could see before me were women with simple pregnancies, all getting that amazing birth and for me I felt like my options were diminishing before my very eyes. After looking into the placenta issue a little more I have heard from so many of you that it is actually quite common for it to be found on the 20 week scan and then move into a more preferred position after, obviously I can only hope I am part of this group. I felt a bit silly after saying I was quite upset by it as I know many of you have had the same news as me and everything has turned out ok. It's weird, I felt like this body of mine was letting me, my husband and my unborn child down. The baby was healthy, it was ME who the problem was with, my body was failing at doing the one thing it should be doing.

I guess there is no other option than to wait and see, which for anyone who knows me is like torture. Im going to try and channel my energies into thinking positive... thats gotta help right?

Modes of transport

Dare I say I've started to think about what is actually going to happen when this teeny tiny human finally arrives into the world and what I might need to get sorted. Granted, I have ALOT of stuff already from when Liv was young, and we dont know the sex yet so we might still be able to use Liv's old clothes, but there are a few things that are playing on my mind and one of them is my mode of transport.

And I'm not talking cars. Pushchairs/prams etc etc. I am caught in a haze of what decision do I make. Currently, I have a REALLY old Quinny buzz that Liv adores and so do I but it is quite old (we brought it second hand) and to be perfectly honest I still shove Liv in there when I am out and about doing tasks (shopping etc) because lets face it NO-ONE appreciates a toddler who either walks at approx one step per hour whilst trying to pick up dried up chewing gum, or one that races around your feet at the speed of light, often tripping you up, and so, my thoughts of still using a pushchair with Liv remains., HOWEVER, Liv will turn two approx 3 weeks before the new baby is due and therefore THIS is where my conundrum begins...so my options are buying a double buggy (I dont know the first thing about buying a double buggy btw, all I know is that they are BIG) or dont buy one but buy a buggy board for my current one for Liv to hop onto if she is being a lazy ass, OR buy a baby carrier for the newborn so Liv can still have the Quinny. But herein lies the many issues that I am currently facing:

• What happens if Liv hits two and decides HELL NO is she being strapped down and therefore If I buy a double buggy wont get any use?
• What happens if I DON'T buy a double buggy and expect Liv to use a buggy board but what if the child is knackered and wants to sleep somewhere? 
• If I buy a baby carrier, and the baby is born in August and its HOT, will the baby even be able to go into it ON me - wont it be too hot?
• I am on the tightest budget ever

I just don't know what to do? I love the idea of a double buggy (obviously with an attachment for the newborn to have a carrycot to sleep) but what ones are available on the market at a reasonable price. I've been told continuously that Bugaboo Donkey's are AMAZING but I'm not gonna lie to you all, I cant afford a spare wheel off a bugaboo let alone buy one for real. How easy are these double's to fold up? and am I going to need a PHD to work out how to get out up? 

The idea of a buggy board also sounds appealing but then Liv gets mega scared at the roundabout at the park, so surely she's NOT gonna like standing on the board (plus she has a habit of sporadically jumping off the roundabout with no warning - thats gonna be hella messy on a buggy board, I dont fancy walking over my own child) 

Again with the baby carrier, I used a Baby Bjorn with Liv and yeah the thing pretty much broke my back but it was dead handy to have hands free, and with a toddler I'm thinking this is going to be key!?!? but will it be plausible to use this ALL the time with baby and therefore not need a pushchair/carrycot?

It truly is some sort of 4-wheeled rollercoaster and I truly don't know what to do for the best - SO I need your help. Any advice, opinions, brands to looks out for or to turn too, anyone wanna give me the winning lottery numbers so money is no object (just kidding... .NOT) Please help, my brain is frazzled! 

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance? 

14, 15, 16 and 17 week bump

Another update! Time just seems to be absolutely flying this time round. Dont get me wrong I know its not time thats going fast, it's just the fact that Liv is well and truly my distraction. Between running around with her, and dealing with the countless hospital appointments and playdates I genuinely sometimes forget that Im even pregnant - I dont however forget when I'm waking 5 times a night needing to pee! OH THE JOYS!

Overall:
The last couple of weeks have been a real mixture of feelings. Overall my mood is great - I'm managing to keep up some positive thinking, and reading my positive 'Yes Mum' cards are proving to be a great source of solace for me (more on these later) also surrounding myself with positive people is having such a great impact. Aside from my mood, physically I havent been particular great - I have had a few ups and downs but mostly I think the positive thinking is really helping me.

Size:
Yep, I still feel and look huge! Didnt help that I wet to family gathering at the weekend to only be told just HOW MASSIVE I was by pretty much everyone. So, either I am going to be giving birth to a T-Rex or my body is just so slack from first time round! It's certainly making 'dressing' really trying!

Symptoms:
Thank frick, the sickness has GONE! no more being on meds, no more rushing off at the drop of a hat to vomit in the nearest hidden corner (no, really) and at last I can FINALLY eat!!!
The sciatica is pretty much back to full throttle now, and sleeping is pretty much non-existant! I think I think I need to make this official: I dont think Im going to get a proper nights sleep for another GOD KNOWS HOW MANY YEARS! Ive tried different positions and pillows between my legs but its not helping one iota. My GP has said that it is just an unfortunate side effect and that I have to live with it, but Im still going to try and help myself: cue me googling non stop for exercises and products that can help!
Im getting alot of aches and pains down below, I think theres some more stretching going on, which is an odd feeling - I'd kinda forgotten all about this side of things.
Tiredness is still a common factor in my life and its not just a sleep thing, I feel more, exhausted this time round, and I'm pretty sure this is down to my over active toddler demanding I take her outside and run ragged after her ALL THE TIME!

Cravings:
Still loving the fresh orange juice but as for food, that is about it!

Sleep:
I WANT SOME!

Gender:
Still unknown. Still leaning towards thinking its a girl..... eeek!

Low point of this week:
Going to bed at 9pm most nights because I am so exhausted

High point this week:
Sticking to all my fixed plans I made the week previous and Liv having the time of her life!

13 week bump

Is it wrong to be HUGELY excited that I am posting my first bump update (albeit it already over a week late) but here I am/was 13 weeks!

I've been longing to do my first update and to hopefully keep it up - I never continued with Liv on a week by week basis so I felt like I dont have any markers to look back on, so here's hoping I can keep this up and it doesn't bore you all too much!

Overall:
I want to say I've been feeling a-ok but the truth is I've really not. As much as I enjoy pregnancy, this time round compared to my first, well, it couldn't be more different. Everything was plain sailing with Liv, but this time round I can't catch a break from the constant sickness and by constant I really do mean it. Suffering with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) has hit me well n truly hard this time round rendering me most days useless. My one saving  grace, believe it or not, is the fact I HAVE to carry on because of daydream having a toddler. Admittedly there has been way too many times when I've spent the morning/afternoon hunched over in the bathroom and had Liv 'pat,pat' me on the back (bless her) I THINK I may be coming out of the sickness tunnel by now only FEELING sick rather than actually BEING sick so I guess I should count my blessings. Aside from that, my tiredness is slowly seeping away and instead of brain-numbingly tired, Im just normal 'toddler tired' which is something.
It's a funny old thing being pregnant because despite me being sick as a dog I still consider myself so damn lucky to be in this position so every time I feel down I try to pep myself up with these thoughts.

Size:
I'm not gonna lie to you all, I am SO much bigger this time round than with the 1st pregnancy. Hell, I dont just look it, I FEEL IT. Im starting to wear a few bits of maternity clothes that I kept from the last pregnancy, especially the leggings because lets face it, those things are the most comfy things in the whole history of the world.

Symptoms:
Admittedly aside from the endless sicksville, other obvious symptoms have been taking a back seat. My boobs are still randomly sore, and Im still finding myself need to pee WAY quicker than my norm - but maybe this will subside soon too.
I'm suffering YET again with my back and sciatica (this time early on) so any advice would be greatly appreciated!
My mood is a little hard to write down because I feel like I'm a crazy woman lately - I flit from being happy to sad in the click of a fingers and Im trying to keep a handle on these feelings. Obviously with my past experience with postnatal depression there is an extremely high chance that I will get it again and also of prenatal depression. This time round Im trying to channel myself into more positive thinking, getting some needed 'me' time and working around positive affirmations (more on this another time)

Cravings:
STILL fresh orange juice. I am literally going through liters of the stuff and yes, I know its not particularly good for me but OH MY GOSH I need it.

Sleep:
Yeah...... With the problems with my back/sciatica my sleep has been increasingly more disturbed. I wake up about 4 or 5 times a night and am struggling to get back to sleep after. Truth be known, I was expecting to find this HARD to deal with, but I guess experience at lack of sleep has got me in good stead because well... I'm still functioning!

Gender:
Unknown, although I can't help but think it's a girl again, I would ever so LOVE a boy but beggars can't be choosers!

Low point of this week:
Feeling unwell in Sainsbury and having to ditch the trolley and run to the loo (obviously WITH Liv in tow)

High point this week:
Spending time with my Tuesday group - good friends are needed right now!

More next week...

Chapter Two...

I always knew 2017 was going to be a good one - there were high hopes of a family holiday in the sun, some time away just me and the husband, some lovely dinner dates and alot of prosecco being consumed, our fortunes were going to be better, life was going to be simpler, and I for one was in a much better mindset.

Well... 2017 had a one hell of a laugh at me....

oh yes thats right ladies and gents. we're doing it all again! Baby number #2 is on its way - EDD August 2017! I'm not gonna lie to you, Im about as shocked as you all are. That's not to say its not a welcome shock, because hell its most definitely seriously wanted, HOWEVER it has come like a bolt of lightening. I dont think I'll ever forget the moment I found I was pregnant with Liv and I sure as hell wont forget this time round either. Rather un-romantically and UN-Instagram worthy, I had completely lost track of my period dates because lets face it I can barely remember to change my underwear these days, and so I suddenly thought whilst making toast shaped characters for Liv for breakfast one day that 'holy shit I haven't had a period' and so upstairs I ran (checking my daughter was safe obviously) I grabbed a test that was leftover from first time round (these things last right?!) and went for a pee. I forgot about the stick until Liv went down for a nap not thinking that there was a hope, but there it was.... a cross. positive. a big fat positive. I aint gonna lie to you, I couldn't finish the cuppa I made myself, instead I sat for a (long) while in silence.

It may seem that Im not happy about this news but hell, you couldn't be more wrong - I'm ecstatic but frigging hell, the shock, the fact it happened for us alone was pretty much a miracle (some of you know about my health issues) but my first thought went to Liv. How on earth was I gonna do this?

More on this and my other thoughts later, but there ya have it... I am with child... my second child. Holy crap, I am going to be a mum of two *gulp* hold on tight folks.....