Lets talk taboo: Money guilt

This is probably going to invoke alot of anger in alot of people but its one I've wanted to write about for a long time. Y'see I'm part of a family that live on very limited income. I am a 34 year old female who earns just over a £100 a month with an additional just over £100 from child benefit income. My husband works every day (non stop I might add) and pays for absolutely everything within our lives: mortgage, all of the household bills, all petrol and insurances for cars, and anything that should require funding urgently. My money goes on food and baby necessities like nappies etc. We are left with a single figure once all the bills come out every month and I am unable to claim any further money in benefits.

We cant afford a holiday or a break away. We cant afford to go for days out at amusement parks nor can we randomly decide to go out for lunch over the weekend. Any plans over the weekend HAVE to be free and if we go to any parks or any organised family fun days I have to take a packed lunch and not buy anything out. We don't go clothes shopping we simply look for second hand or free donations, I havent purchased new underwear for myself since the first time I fell pregnant with Liv and I purchased maternity knickers - I still wear these. I cant afford to have a hair cut and will trim and dye my hair myself. I no longer get my nails done, nor do I ever eat out with the kids. When I take the girls out,  the only money we spend is from their family benefit which I get - normally the activity is soft play or something cheap, however now I have to start paying for Paige it is making life harder. The kids will sometimes (rarely) eat out but I will not, I will go without. I don't go out to socialise separate from the girls as every penny of my money is allocated to the girls and the various items they require such as food and toiletries. A date night for me and mark hasn't happened in a while and the last time we spent money on each other was I cant even remember when.

Whilst this is just the life we lead, let me tell you how hard every day is: from the requests from the girls for various things (even down to wanting a fruit shoot I cant afford to buy) to having to say no to friends and activities (whether for me or the girls) as we simply cant  afford to do what other people do. Every day I look at others on social media: Instagram and Facebook and want to cry. Mum's having time out with their kids in a coffee shop, days out at fun looking places, shopping hauls and videos showing off what they spent. My food shopping is calculated down to the nearest penny - I write everything down and take a calculator to work everything out before we get to the till because I'll literally only have a £20 note to spend (I dont own credit cards)

Alot of people will moan at this post because why on earth are we deciding to have another child when clearly we cant afford it - the reality is, we didn't plan to have another baby so soon. A 3rd was always part of lifes plans but just not this soon and it hurts to think that here we are, I cant even afford to buy the new baby clothes (it's a boy this time and all we have is girls stuff) so we are literally having to see what we can find second hand. I quite often cant sleep at night through feeling so guilty that tomorrow I cant give the girls what all their friends are having, or how am I going to work out what Im going to give them to eat thats remotely healthy.

People sometimes look at us and think we must have no money worries - Im a lady who doesn't work for heavens sake, the truth is, I cannot AFFORD TO WORK. I work in the evening (although have just gone on maternity leave) but as much as Id love to go back out to work full time I have no childcare for the girls and simply am not qualified enough to get a job that pays more than the childcare costs and surely whats the point of going out to work if all you're paying for is for someone to look after your kids?!? Everyone assumes I am lucky to be a SAHM but let me tell you my everyday life is filled with immense guilt and worries, the only solace I seek sometimes I spending time with my girls and how much love I feel for them.

Sometimes I feel bitter but most of the time I feel sad, and under immense pressure (and so must my husband). I wish I was like other families and could give my girls better but I am simply keeping my head above water to give them the minimum of which I can. Sometimes Instagram, Facebook and Twitter can deceive you, not everything is at it seems. I felt the need to write this because I feel no-one talks about the drain a family can have, how sometimes the benefit system doesnt support those that arent the obvious ones that need it and this is a really taboo subject. Money is often seen as something you shouldn't talk about but yknow what, this is something that can have a huge impact on every day life which obviously can then in turn affect your mental health.

Why we chose a Gender Reveal Party

Last Saturday we hosted a gender reveal party. Even I cant believe that we done it to be fair: I've long thought the idea was properly wanky. I mean why on earth would people WANT to know or even care all that much about the gender of your baby - why should WE care even. We hosted ababy shower when I was pregnant with our first child, Liv, and it was beautiful, fun and really special. When I became pregnant with our second, Paige, I decided that there was no need to throw a party like this - wasnt because I was happy, I just didnt want everyone to be all *rolls eyes* sick of having to spend money on ANOTHER baby that we decided to have, however being pregnant again, with our third and final baby I felt compelled to do something.

For me, a baby shower wasn't the right way to go. Losing this one's twin at 13 weeks has made me view pregnancy in a whole different manner and way, almost a bit like some of the shine has been taking and th way I used to feel about being pregnant has been tarnished somewhat. It felt unfair and not to throw a party for this one remaining baby: its twin didnt get a chance to be thought of in this equation, nor will it ever be celebrated with gifts because he/she purely doesnt exist anymore and let me tell you, that shit hurts.

I had stumbled upon gender reveal parties A LONG TIME AGO. The Americans are full of them and I am one of THOSE people who have watched alot of the hilarious videos of them going wrong (if you havent watched those ones go do it now - lol) I've mocked them alot, to alot of people, and yet here I was wanting to throw EXACTLY that. So why? for me, it was my only chance to celebrate the fact we know whether this baby is a boy or girl, that we've got this far, but also a chance to celebrate our lost twin too. By making a deal out of our surviving twin2's gender, it was our chance to say goodbye and remember his or her's lost sibling. I began to put the wheels in motion purely by thinking of ideas on how to do the reveal and whether we wanted to find out before the reveal or leave it all as a surprise: we opted for the latter.

When we had our 20 week scan (I was already 23 weeks) I simply asked the sonographer to write the gender down in a card and place in an an envelope and seal it - NOT to show me at all. I then drove it straight to the lady who was organising the balloons. As it goes, I somehow ended up bringing it back home and not taking it to the balloon lady until a week later so having it just sat there was a little torturous! We went with the option to burst a balloon and have it filled with coloured confetti and mini balloons, rather than a cake option - I think with the balloon option you get an instant hit of TA-DA, whereas the cake is a slightly more slower option.

I was amazed at the amount of people that came to the party to be honest as I'm really aware its not everyones cup of tea but I do know that most people hadnt been to one before so were curious, either way it was super lovely that people made the effort to come. and so, what did we want - boy or girl? I've made no secret of the fact that I've always dreamed of having a baby boy, however judging by my previous luck Im fully aware I seem procreate girlies, This time round I knew i was lucky to be having a baby at all and that it was still alive, however I think Mark was secretly hoping it would be a boy otherwise I'd be making him go for a 4th!

So..... what are we having???

Im thrilled

x

Learning how to deal with a subchorionic hematoma

So far this pregnancy has been scary - not just because I feel like Im still grieving and yearning over the loss of my first twin but I am having to deal with daily bleeding. Everyone will tell you that the thing they are most scared about it pregnancy is bleeding - bleeding means miscarriage right!?

Well... not always. Y'see, after finding out I HAD miscarried twin number one, but twin number two was surviving I thought that was the end of the scary time, I could go on my merry way and relish in the pregnancy that was currently live, but that wasn't meant to be. A mere matter of weeks following my twin miscarriage did I start bleeding again. I was utterly shocked and devastated, scared, sick to the stomach and so very fearful. Surely this remaining pregnancy was going the same way as the other twin? Here I found myself back in A&E, trying to shield my tear stained face from the people in the waiting area, all I kept wondering was whether the baby was still alive.

Ultrasounds and tests later showed that baby was still alive and healthy but I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma - when the consultant told me this I literally looked at him blankly. This was not something I had heard of, nor had I read about in my pregnancy books. Bearing in mind this is my third pregnancy I literally had NO idea what this thing was. Subchorionic hematomas is where an accumulation of blood forms in the folds of the chorion (the outer fetal membrane near the placenta)  or between the uterus and placenta itself. The only symptoms for a hematoma is obviously bleeding, or unless it is picked up on a scan. I would love to tell you that when the consultant told me this was the cause I felt settled, because to be honest with you I didn't. Looking at the facts alot of hematomas can heal in the pregnancy and are only deemed more dangerous in the first trimester and usually go by the second but because mine started IN the second trimester and is well, still here and bleeding, I felt scared.

Statistics wise, around 1% of all pregnancies have a subchorionic bleed and most dissolve on their own. There is a rare risk for the hematoma can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall.

So, where do I go from here? Well, Im still bleeding. Every day. I feel like I am living in fear - sometimes Im sure the bleeding and spotting is worse than others, and sometimes its barely there. Im quite often scared to pick up heavy amounts yknow 'just in case' and the other day I had a long bout of sneezing and ended up bleeding alot which now means I'm even too scared to sneeze. I am being kept a close eye on and on my 20 week scan they will measure the bleed and keep track on it closely in the hope it starts to reabsorb but my midwife has warned me that it may be like this for the entire duration of the pregnancy and you know what... that scares me the most.

So how am I feeling? well, pretty shocking tbh. My love and joy of pregnancy is being marred by this ordeal and as pessimistic as it seems everything that has happened has made me so fearful, even when being told by the professionals that it could be fine I almost dont believe them. I have made myself acutely aware of the condition and taken it into my own hands by being more forceful that I normally would to get more care. On the outside I a putting a brave face on it, but everytime I see blood when I go to the toilet, or see it stained my stomach literally drops. Its in my head all the time and I think forever will be until the day I give birth. Im hoping my outcome is as positive as the statistics show and right now I am working on my mindfulness, living a more simple life and trying to ditch negative energy in the hope I can bring some more positive thinking into my life to enable me to deal with my grief and this situation.

The post I never wanted to write

I've started and restarted this blog post over 30 times and I  still feel Im not going to do it justice or properly articulate how I feel, this is the post that I never ever wanted to write.

I found out I was pregnant. Hooray, balloons, streamers, congrats, happy wishes - or so you would think but just 3 days after finding out I was pregnant, I started bleeding. At 9.30pm my world came crashing down. I cant stress enough that of course we weren't trying to have another baby as Paige is only 8 months old, it wasn't planned as such BUT we had always wanted 3 children and so despite it being a little sudden, it was most definitely wanted and already loved. I had yet to tell my husband as I was due to see the midwife. I just wanted to check everything was ok before I put mark through anything unnecessary (meaning the shock of us having ANOTHER baby), but ironically, the night before the appointment, at 9.30pm when I was lying on the sofa I felt something odd, like something had burst from underneath me and I instantly felt wet - as I reached down below in my trousers, there it was, a trickle of blood. My entire insides immediately ran cold and I felt physically sick. I had never experienced bleeding before so I just laid back down on the sofa in the hope that it would stop, or somehow I had made a terrible mistake and was imagining it. But it didn't stop, it started to gush. It felt like I was going for a wee, but of course I wasn't. I got up and the blood became to drip out; through my underwear, through my trousers and onto the rug below. I froze. I didn't know what to do - where do I go? what do I say? Mark was out at the time and with both girls nestled safely asleep upstairs. All I could think of doing was to ring 111 - they explained that I had to wait for a call from the on call dr but of course there could be a little wait. As I sat in my dining room, with blood flowing, my thoughts turned to the baby. The baby I knew I was losing. The baby that had shocked me, the baby that had come as a surprise but that would now be leaving me. I knew at that point I would have to call my husband home, and break the news - I was expecting but possibly losing it.

An hour had passed, and whilst waiting for the GP to call I had to break the news to Mark about him being a father again to also maybe dealing with losing the baby. It was both devastating having to tell him and see him deal with it. I just felt so guilty that it was my body doing this to the three of us (me, Mark ad baby) The GP had advised that I needed to go to A&E straight away. The drive there felt like the longest, through every turn in the road, I could feel the blood flowing out of me, soaking into another pad and I felt powerless, I didn't want to move as i suddenly felt it gush, I keep my legs crossed but upon uncrossing it would flow back out. My MIL who drove me to the hospital was amazing, she was someone who had been in a similar situation and I didn't need to make conversation with her - she just KNEW how I was feeling. Even when the tears flowed she just gently soothed me - there was nothing to be said, nothing to be discussed. When waiting at the hospital I began to think... surely, I had done this. I was the one who had carried on like normal, taken no pregnancy vitamins, I hadn't been kind to me body. My periods had stopped in January y'see and I saw a GP who said that my recent increase in dosage of my antidepressants was the cause of the delay/or stopping of my period (apparently its very known) and of course because I didn't believe I COULD be pregnant this soon after Paige I went along with it. So here I was feeling all the blame - could I have rested more? could I have taken more folic acid? could I have done something to make this happen to me? As the people filter in and out of A&E I wondered if anyone was trying to guess why I was in there? Did I look pregnant?
Hours seemed to drag by, blood tests, cannulas, admitting to the A&E ward and then being transferred to the gynecology ward all the while I could feel the life slipping away inside me. I know I should've tried to be more positive but in my heart of hearts something didnt feel right anymore. I wasn't allowed anything to eat or drink just in case I needed a procedure and in some ways I was secretly glad. I didn't want to go for a wee, I was scared. scared that everytime I sat on the toilet that id see more blood, and Id see my baby fall out of me. There was no longer any rational thought left in my head, and I was sure there would be no tears left. It's an odd one because as you're lying there in the hospital bed, just lying, waiting to hear the outcome there is often a few seconds where you feel fine, almost like a weird out of body experience, like none of this could be happening to you but then like a jolt , you are right back there.... in limbo hell.

I cant explain what it feels like to not know whether your baby is dead or alive. The waits were agonizing and when I was told that the head consultant I needed to see had just been rushed into surgery so you would have to wait it was even more agonizing, heartbreaking almost. I wanted someone, anyone to put me out of my misery. I know it wasn't their fault - hell, they were doing a great job but the minutes very quickly turned to hours, and I was exhausted - through crying and being awake all night. When the consultant was free, he explained that obviously the symptoms weren't looking good for me but they would do a ultrasound to confirm what we all suspected. Upon  entering the ultrasound room there was a room full of people, 5 different student doctors, my consultant and a nurse then obviously myself and my MIL - it was daunting, however all the student doctors asked whether it was ok to be there during this which I of course said yes - I was passed caring. My exact words were "can you just tell me my baby has died and let me go home"  I was sobbing uncontrollably and so was my MIL when the doctor began the ultrasound and his first words were "well your baby is alive" I coudn't believe what i was hearing it was an absolute shock, that feeling in the pit of your stomach where everything just drops. I couldn't believe my ears. He told me to face the screen and showed me the little baby bouncing around inside with its heart beating loudly away - so many questions flooded my mind: how? why? what? he moved the scanner along and said he could tell us why I had been bleeding. It was then that we found out I had miscarried a twin baby.

My heart broke - I was so emotionally split between grief and love all at the same time. I was beyond ecstatic that there was this little baby alive and well growing inside me but at the same time my other baby had died at 12+4 weeks old. Its brother or sister, another addition to our family. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant with twins prior to this it didn't mean I didn't love the being any less. I felt numb, shocked. The Dr looked at me like I should be so happy but in reality I felt nothing. I felt I couldn't smile, I'm not even sure if I felt relieved. I immediately felt like I was missing something in my life, something had been taken away from me too soon and I hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to him/her. I had no clue where to go from thereon - what do I do now? and even now, 3 weeks down the line I have no idea how I'm feeling. I cant articulate how I feel - in conversations I feel it necessary to glaze over it - no-one wants to hear about miscarriage, no one wants to hear about a dead baby, noone wants to hear about how I walk around with two of the most beautiful daughters in my life yet still feel like something huge has been ripped from me.



I've had friends who have suffered miscarriages before and tried to be the best a friend I can be, but the reality is, I couldn't for the life of me EVER imagine what they're going through, it is only now that I can, in some small way, feel the way they must've been feeling. So here I am, stepping through the days in some hope this baby can survive all its been through, hoping that I can get through this pain that sneaks up on me every so often. I have two already beautiful girls and please dont think I dont appreciate that - because those girls are the ones holding me together right now, its not about them nor is it really about me - its about loss and I need to accept it, take my time over it, digest it and learn to carry on.