The love I feel for Liv is beyond anything I've ever known or ever expected I would feel in life. Its unconditional of course, but there is something very different with the love I feel for her: it's almost like she is exactly what I needed in my life - she was sent from above and delivered to me because she was exactly what I was made for. She's so similar to me it's a little scary at times. She is so in tune with my feelings and emotions (yes she does spend every day with me) that she always manages to do or act in just the way I really need at that moment in time. It probably wont stay this way when she grows up and other thoughts filter her mind, but right now, she is pretty much the life and soul of me, so of course I cant help but wonder that with baby number 2 on its way that this love, the one me and Liv share will never be, and could never duplicated a second time round?
I know it sounds utterly silly to say it, and I dont worry that I wont love my second girl gang member, but how can I possibly have the same special, close, tight, and almost soulmate relationship I have with Liv? Is it possible and do I want it to be? When Liv came along my love'o'meter had to split into two: some love for my husband and some for this new human and I barely managed that. Prior to having a child I was never an overly affectionate person, I craved contact with people but was never reliant on physical affection and my husband was used to that, however everything changed with Liv - we spend all our time cuddling each other, and touching some how, so Im truly worried and a little bit scared of how I am going to manage to split this love again for another tiny human.
Will the love and relationship I have with Liv suffer because I suddenly have a new focus, a new tiny baby that is so dependent on me? The fear of the unknown kills me, it keeps me awake at night, wondering how our family dynamics are going to change, how on earth I will cope, and addressing the elephant in the room will I fall victim to the dark cloud of PND again. Pregnancy is often seen as almost joyous most amazing experience and for 90% it really is, but I can't help but have a small part of me that worries about the what if's. First pregnancy I felt so shocked by suddenly having a human to look after that I fell victim to so many things that ultimately ruined those precious newborn days and for that, I am scared as I dont want to inflict that on my newest member, nor on my poor husband and my amazing Liv.
I see mothers who sail through first babies and ultimately second and third children so I feel so much pressure to be one of those, but already I feel like I've failed by even having these thoughts. I want to read about someone else who has wondered if they'll love their subsequent children as much as their first born, I want to know that this will pass and the love will come easy and unfiltered. I want to know that Liv will love me and I her just as much as we currently do. There is a whole amazing feeling of expecting your first born and here I am baby number two on its way and even throughout my pregnancy I have been acting so very different to my first - does it mean I dont care as much? does it make me a bad person and mother?
As mothers and women we try to do everything, fulfill every expectation and tick every 'good mother' box, but do we really need to do this to ourselves? Maybe I should just let nature take its course and hope that I end up on the sunny side of the path.
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