Learning to be loved...

 

Happy Valentines Day all!

I've never been a HUGE one for Valentines day - I put it down to being way to commercial, expensive and unnecessary, however the truth is I've never really been on board with the whole 'love' thing.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and LOVE my husband, but my problem stemmed from when I was alot younger and was bullied for such a long period of my life for a multitude of things (think playground and teenage angst) that I never really understood HOW anyone could ever really love me. That seems like a really sad statement, but essentially it's true. I've never been a very big fan of my own self and was always told that 'how could I expect other people to love me, if I didn't love myself' and so, I thought, that this was me... not capable of being loved. It was no bother to me really... people were right - I could name you a gazillion things that I DIDN'T love about me, that surely no-one in their right mind would find things about me that they COULD love, that wasn't the way life worked. When I met my now husband I used to repeatedly doubt his decision and do various things in order to push him away and now, despite us being married and together for 14 years I still do it. However all that changed when I gave birth..

Along with the many 50 million things you get told when you're having a baby, the one thing many mothers will tell you is the instant rush of love you will have for this little bundle of flesh and that is undoubtedly and unfathomably true. The love you feel for this human is unreal, it goes beyond anything you've probably ever felt but what they dont tell you is how much you will feel, and you will learn, TO BE LOVED.

It was a totally new concept to me that this human could love me and actually show me that they loved me. Everyone used to tell me how hard parenting was and how selfish it was with the baby being all take, take, take and essentially for the first 6 months that is true (there's no sugar coating it) but hell... when that babe clings to you in the night, or runs to you when he/she hurts himself.. gah... that is the worlds most amazing feeling... to be loved and wanted by this tiny little person that you grew. I never knew that I was this likable person that could be fun, could be authoritative and could possibly make someone love them but seeing it through your child's eyes proves just how much I am loved.

My husband, albeit not his fault, is not the most affectionate or 'lovey-dovey' person and I get it... thats him, but seeing the way he looks at me when Liv kisses me or runs to me shouting "MUMMY" makes me see, right there, that I am loved and I can be loved. Babies/kids know nothing of the horror or complexities of this world and survive on basic emotions - life is essentially very simple for them, so seeing a child hold your hand, choose to come and sit on your lap, or stroke your foot when you drop a hard-backed book on it, suddenly causes you to open your god damn eyes and take it what is there, this 'thing' LOVES YOU.

This Valentines day I count myself very lucky - no cards, no flowers, no pressies, but with one tiny stroke of a small persons hand across my face makes me know I am loved beyond all means.