Life goes on...

From the very moment I became a mum (it still seems weird saying that) my life pretty much changed. How? pretty much completely. For me, the old Sarah stopped, she quit, she went on a very long holiday if you like. I changed as a person both physically (hello mum tum) but mentally as well. Im not sure HOW or even WHY, but something unexplainable shifted in me and I became the new Sarah, the mum one. At first I didn't think this was a bad thing,this was normal something had to change right? however 18 months on, Im starting to wonder...

Y'see when I look around at other mothers (cue my daily comparisons) I see these amazing women still doing what they've always been doing but just with a baby in tow: going shopping, coffee and lunch dates, going for nights out (without baby) meeting friends, doing their same jobs, looking the same - nothing really changes for them. I look at myself and realise there isn't much of me thats left since Liv came into the world.

Dont get me wrong I still look like me, I mean I didn't have a face transplant or something, but no longer did I go out clothes shopping, I didn't like taking Liv to a coffee shop, I turned down lunch dates and holy hell, I cant even begin to tell you the last time me and my husband had childcare so we could 'go out'. I haven't been drunk since Liv, I haven't even been tipsy, I very rarely wear heels and I dont think I've properly got dressed up (in clothes other than my lounge wear) my every single thought in life is Liv. Literally, every damn thought. I cant drink too much because I have Liv the next day, I cant wear those heels out because Liv might want to go traipsing around, I cant meet you in Costa or out for lunch because Liv might not like it and she might cause a scene. Everything in life revolves around this little human for me. At night I make sure Im quiet so we won't wake her. I go food shopping based on her likes and dislikes. I gave up my job (one that I hadn't been in long but that I was starting to enjoy) to be with her every day and I've seen many a friend come and go because Liv is 100% my entire being.

Just writing the above makes me sad, and embarrassed. How could I have become one of those women who has let themselves drift into obscurity, fall into this foggy space where no-one quite knows where she is anymore. Surely this makes me a sad human being to let myself go like this?

Just the other day I had a 'discussion' with my husband and he said this "life goes on Sarah, just because we have a child doesn't mean life stops" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly what I have done and become. Liv is 18 months now and getting more and more independent and even now I struggle to think of there being a time when she might not need me 24 hours a day anymore. For these 18 months my life, my soul and entire being has been about her and I'm not sorry, but by Jove I dont half feel that maybe I need a little bit of me back?

Before you all think Im slightly cray cray let me state there is no WAY I regret doing what I did and still do - Liv is an amazing child who has given me a life I never thought I deserved to have but I do miss me a little. I mean I dont miss the girl who tends to get drunk on 2 glasses of wine but hey, I wouldn't mind a little of the old me back.

So how do I do it? I have not one fig of a clue, but Im calling this #operationoldme and will let you know how on earth I find my way BACK to where I used to be.

Did anyone else experience the same? any hints and tips to help allow for life to go on?