Hairy beginnings

So, I can just about, JUST, run my fingers through my teeny tiny hairs. It's an actual revelation. The hairs are roughly 10mm long BUT there is definite fuzz to run my chipolatas through.

6 months of having a cold head, 6 months of going to run my fingers through my hair to realise there is nothing there, 6 months of hating the way I looked, 6 months of wearing scarves with the odd wig thrown in, 6 months of sweating from what feels like only my head, 6 months of my kids asking me why I have no hair, 6 months of looks and stares from those around me, 6 months of no hair.

Its been a really long 6 months I'm not going to lie. I'll be straight up, it was my choice not to cold cap whilst going through chemo as I knew there was still a huge chance I could lose my hair anyway and yes I didn't have very long hair anyway, however it doesn't make one bit of difference to how utterly traumatic it is to suddenly see your hair coming out in your hands in clumps, everytime you shake your head you have a lap of hair, or worry that if a gust of wind should happen that your hair will quite literally FLY OFF (no joke) The trouble with having no hair is well, you look ill. If I had kept all my hair I'm pretty sure alot less people would've realised or thought that actually I'm unwell and having treatment. It was like a big cancer beacon "look at me I'm bald, I have cancer" and it would be incredible difficult to hide: either go out with your potato head on show, or wear a scarf and look REALLY obviously a cancer patient, or wear a wig and live in fear that one of my children might pull it off my head.

However, now I have the teeny tiniest amount of hair coming through I look normal. Just like joe blogs.. a woman with very short hair. Its a weird concept, right now I look healthy, and err, dare I say it, normal. I certainly do not look like I still have a body with cancer in it, nor do I look like I am receiving treatment for it - I just look like I shaved my head. Don't get me wrong, that's not necessary a bad thing, but for me, after spending these 6 months having not one morsel of a hair on my skull its an incredibly alien thing for me. I now have to explain to people that I cant make too many plans because I don't know how I'm going to feel on chemo, that actually my tit still hurts post BREAST CANCER SURGERY, and that actually I just feel sodding tired and yes, I am in my pjs at 3pm in the afternoon. Having no hair, as shitty as it was, provided me with a get out of anything card because it was so darn obvious I was unwell, and dare I say it, I became ok with that - I didn't have to gulp down the tears whilst I once again tell someone I have cancer. My little bald-safety net has disappeared.

Whilst I attempt to get used to finally having a head covering and starting to feel warmer, I will have to change my way of thinking, changing my mindset now is a hard task and as much as I want to be that healthy/normal looking girl, I'm really not.

Remember: Cancer doesnt have a 'look'