So far this pregnancy has been scary - not just because I feel like Im still grieving and yearning over the loss of my first twin but I am having to deal with daily bleeding. Everyone will tell you that the thing they are most scared about it pregnancy is bleeding - bleeding means miscarriage right!?
Well... not always. Y'see, after finding out I HAD miscarried twin number one, but twin number two was surviving I thought that was the end of the scary time, I could go on my merry way and relish in the pregnancy that was currently live, but that wasn't meant to be. A mere matter of weeks following my twin miscarriage did I start bleeding again. I was utterly shocked and devastated, scared, sick to the stomach and so very fearful. Surely this remaining pregnancy was going the same way as the other twin? Here I found myself back in A&E, trying to shield my tear stained face from the people in the waiting area, all I kept wondering was whether the baby was still alive.
Ultrasounds and tests later showed that baby was still alive and healthy but I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma - when the consultant told me this I literally looked at him blankly. This was not something I had heard of, nor had I read about in my pregnancy books. Bearing in mind this is my third pregnancy I literally had NO idea what this thing was. Subchorionic hematomas is where an accumulation of blood forms in the folds of the chorion (the outer fetal membrane near the placenta) or between the uterus and placenta itself. The only symptoms for a hematoma is obviously bleeding, or unless it is picked up on a scan. I would love to tell you that when the consultant told me this was the cause I felt settled, because to be honest with you I didn't. Looking at the facts alot of hematomas can heal in the pregnancy and are only deemed more dangerous in the first trimester and usually go by the second but because mine started IN the second trimester and is well, still here and bleeding, I felt scared.
Statistics wise, around 1% of all pregnancies have a subchorionic bleed and most dissolve on their own. There is a rare risk for the hematoma can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall.
So, where do I go from here? Well, Im still bleeding. Every day. I feel like I am living in fear - sometimes Im sure the bleeding and spotting is worse than others, and sometimes its barely there. Im quite often scared to pick up heavy amounts yknow 'just in case' and the other day I had a long bout of sneezing and ended up bleeding alot which now means I'm even too scared to sneeze. I am being kept a close eye on and on my 20 week scan they will measure the bleed and keep track on it closely in the hope it starts to reabsorb but my midwife has warned me that it may be like this for the entire duration of the pregnancy and you know what... that scares me the most.
So how am I feeling? well, pretty shocking tbh. My love and joy of pregnancy is being marred by this ordeal and as pessimistic as it seems everything that has happened has made me so fearful, even when being told by the professionals that it could be fine I almost dont believe them. I have made myself acutely aware of the condition and taken it into my own hands by being more forceful that I normally would to get more care. On the outside I a putting a brave face on it, but everytime I see blood when I go to the toilet, or see it stained my stomach literally drops. Its in my head all the time and I think forever will be until the day I give birth. Im hoping my outcome is as positive as the statistics show and right now I am working on my mindfulness, living a more simple life and trying to ditch negative energy in the hope I can bring some more positive thinking into my life to enable me to deal with my grief and this situation.
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