Alot of you know that I use social media such as Instagram, twitter and Facebook. I mean who doesn't these days? I've always loved everything social media and there was even a time (pre-kids) that I wanted a career that involved this very same thing, however it's amazing how one situation can change you view on something you have been a personal cheerleader for. The other month I was sent some uncharacteristically negative messages/comments on various posts. It didn't seem to bad at the time and without realising what I was doing I read the messages/comments, digested them and answered them. I mean Instagram had always been the most positive social media channel I had the pleasure of encountering, so why would this be any different, perhaps I had genuinely annoyed this person and had a need to explain myself. However it didn't stop there.
Shortly following this I started getting 3 or messages a day with negative comments about my life or should I say, my Instagram life. Mainly targeting that of my skills as a parent. It cut real deep, Im not the most confident parent if Im being honest and like most mums I find myself second guessing myself daily (possibly hourly) so to see these anxieties written down and thrown at you was somewhat alarming and made m feel a little sick to the stomach. I tried to answer alot of these messages (stupidly) as a way of defending myself, which I now know was the completely wrong thing to do, but it seemed these 'people' latched on to this and what turned in 3 or 4 messages, ramped up to 15 + messages.
These messages weren't just from one person, there seemed to be a whole hoard of non-identifiable members of Instagram who Id managed to anger through various parts of my life. I'm not the one to brush off comments or concerns about abilities, I like to tackle these things and I like the opportunity to better myself so perhaps I needed to tackle these head on? But by the end of one particular bad day the comments became less answerable and more downright evil.
I've been called a vile f****** woman, a terrible mother, I dont deserve to have children, my unborn child is unlucky to have me, Im a scrounger, I need to be reported to social services, my child is unhappy, my husband must be repulsed by me, I'm a fat dyke, my house is disgusting, I live in a pig sty, I use my anxieties to excuse why Im not back at work, I should go out and earn a living and stop expecting my husband to pay for my fat lazy self and the most hurtful: wishing my unborn child to die.
There were other things that were said, most I had to mentally block out but let me tell you this. All of those comments cut to my very core. they infiltrated my system and reverberated in my head over and over again until everything that I touched would make me stop and question whether my actions were making me what these people thought. In an ideal world and if I was of a stronger person I would just ignore and carry on but thats not me. Im a people pleaser, always has been. I want to be liked by everyone and if Im not I will work endlessly to make sure that I've corrected my faults in the hope that person might grow some love for me. I remember vividly being in the car with my husband and Liv and reading yet another message that had been sent that morning after a night of someone sending me messages through the night (we're talking almost every hour) and i tried so hard to stop the tears welling up. I felt so tired and broken. I cant explain what it felt like: to have someone throw what I can only call, abuse at you all the time it somehow seeps into your mind and your system until thats all you believe or think. I felt like I was questioning everything I had done or was doing.
Being the victim of a troll has changed my being and my belief in social media - my profile on Instagram is now private and Im skeptical to approve anyone now and thankfully the comments have ceased after blocking and making myself private. It has also made me wonder whether I should carry on with social media at all.... perhaps I should remain invisible to safe guard myself and life? The joy of posting that random picture on Instagram has taken a turn for me.. will I be misconstrued? What also bothers me the most is the ease at which a troll can attack you on all channels. It makes me sick to my stomach to think this could happen to my daughters in years to come....
If anyone out there is experiencing anything similar, or has had it done to them I would love to speak to you. I'm still struggling to get over it and am constantly feeling watched or judged as a mother and a person. And if this is happening please speak out, tell someone close to you because it is utterly terrible.
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