Third wedding anniversary - things I know now with children

So on the 11th was my 3rd wedding anniversary. Me and my husband, Mark, have been together for a total of 14 years and married for 3 and its been an amazing journey however there are some real truths in the fact that relationships and marriage changes when you have kids.

I'm sure there are couples out there that are lucky enough to be devoid of such change and remain in a happy, non-argumentative relationship, however my relationship and marraige was not one of them. Me and Mark have been tigether ong enough to know each other inside out, and we adore the people that we are singually as well as together, however when Liv was born there was a real shift. My personality changed hugely, beyond all recognition and Mark's laidback nature was tested when the sleep deprivation crept in. In pregnancy you are taught just how muvh things are going to change in respect of having to look after this new, tiny human, and the physical factors, but I dont think I ever heard, or read about the impact havig a newborn/baby can have on a relationship (whether you are married or not)

I know each case is different, and I guess it can depend on what type of partners you are already, but for me I have always been a hugely independent person: i enjoyed working, earning my own money, socialising, shopping and spending time alone. Me and Mark both had hobby-heavy lives that were often seperate from each other but sometimes together: it worked. However in came a baby and my hobbies stopped, my pasions changed and my neurosis grew. I no longer wanted to spend money frivulously on myself, I didnt want to go out drinking until 3 in the morning - my aim was my child. However Mark was able to split himself into two and keep the life that he once had and take onboard a new role too. I found this hard: why couldnt I still kept this side of my life, why didnt I have it in me to still remain the person I was. I knew deep down inside it didnt bother me, I was so in love with Liv that nothing mattered but here I was, the only one seemingly making changes in my life and it made me angry... jealous even.

I know they say women are expert at juggling many different things in life, and hey, dont get me wrong I feel I do this every damn day, but I couldn't juggle my emotions. My pre-baby self used to go about my life in a carefree manner however post-baby, everything mattered to me. I couldn't separate myself from my role as a mother and essentially lost 'Sarah' in all of this. And then came the laborious night feeds, where I used to get up every hours and watch as my husband slept soundly. I used to stare across in the dimly lit room, my eyes stinging with tiredness wishing I could swap places, I wanted to use the fact I was going to work as my reason for needing more sleep. Then came the responsibilty - hell, I was in charge of this actual human being whilst my partner was at work, doing what he ALWAYS did, I actually had to keep this thing alive! The pressure was huge and insurmountable. Whats his bad day to the fact that I have to try and keep a human alive everyday?!?

I began to snap at my husband. Little things like the way he'd not wash or sterailise the bottles when she was a newborn, or even now when he get Liv all excitable in the half hour before bed and then mysteriously disappears when shes in bed and constantly pissing about and NOT sleeping. The rate at which I snap surprises me - I've never been one of them, I used to look at others and 'tsk' out loud, and now, well, here I am, I am one of them. Finding time for one another is also something that doesnt present itself openly, instead, if you want to find time to talk to your partner or yknow 'cuddle' then you best be willing to MAKE THE EFFORT. The thought of spending just 10 mins away from Liv used to feel me with utter dread and I used to bypass any affection with my husband because I just wanted to get back to my child! What I have found is the key in keeping things simple and dont overplan. remember the small things that made you love your partner for them just as they are  and just repeat. But make that effort!

What also surprised me is that my love for my child would often take over from my love for my husband. Why is it I find it WAY easier to forgive my child when its being a dick yet my husband? not so much. Y'see Liv melts my heart and makes me in to a bowl of mush so its easy to not hold anything against her, yet it took me by total surprise that here I was holding everything against my husband at the drop of a hat and not willing to let go. There was actual times that I looked at Liv and thought I love you way more than Mark. Obviously this was only temporary but the sheer thought of it was truly shocking.

Aside from all of this, what 3 years have taught me now that we have Liv (and now another on the way) is that we both have this most amazing bond. There is always going to be ups and downs,and moments of sheer horror, but at the same time there is something all kinds of special about creating a life together - there is no other way of taking care of that life than as a team. There will be times you'll look at your partner singing to the baby in the middle of the night, or teaching your child to play football and fall in love with him all over again. There is something very special about watching your man take charge and be powerful and protective to your child... thats love right there. 

Modes of transport

Dare I say I've started to think about what is actually going to happen when this teeny tiny human finally arrives into the world and what I might need to get sorted. Granted, I have ALOT of stuff already from when Liv was young, and we dont know the sex yet so we might still be able to use Liv's old clothes, but there are a few things that are playing on my mind and one of them is my mode of transport.

And I'm not talking cars. Pushchairs/prams etc etc. I am caught in a haze of what decision do I make. Currently, I have a REALLY old Quinny buzz that Liv adores and so do I but it is quite old (we brought it second hand) and to be perfectly honest I still shove Liv in there when I am out and about doing tasks (shopping etc) because lets face it NO-ONE appreciates a toddler who either walks at approx one step per hour whilst trying to pick up dried up chewing gum, or one that races around your feet at the speed of light, often tripping you up, and so, my thoughts of still using a pushchair with Liv remains., HOWEVER, Liv will turn two approx 3 weeks before the new baby is due and therefore THIS is where my conundrum begins...so my options are buying a double buggy (I dont know the first thing about buying a double buggy btw, all I know is that they are BIG) or dont buy one but buy a buggy board for my current one for Liv to hop onto if she is being a lazy ass, OR buy a baby carrier for the newborn so Liv can still have the Quinny. But herein lies the many issues that I am currently facing:

• What happens if Liv hits two and decides HELL NO is she being strapped down and therefore If I buy a double buggy wont get any use?
• What happens if I DON'T buy a double buggy and expect Liv to use a buggy board but what if the child is knackered and wants to sleep somewhere? 
• If I buy a baby carrier, and the baby is born in August and its HOT, will the baby even be able to go into it ON me - wont it be too hot?
• I am on the tightest budget ever

I just don't know what to do? I love the idea of a double buggy (obviously with an attachment for the newborn to have a carrycot to sleep) but what ones are available on the market at a reasonable price. I've been told continuously that Bugaboo Donkey's are AMAZING but I'm not gonna lie to you all, I cant afford a spare wheel off a bugaboo let alone buy one for real. How easy are these double's to fold up? and am I going to need a PHD to work out how to get out up? 

The idea of a buggy board also sounds appealing but then Liv gets mega scared at the roundabout at the park, so surely she's NOT gonna like standing on the board (plus she has a habit of sporadically jumping off the roundabout with no warning - thats gonna be hella messy on a buggy board, I dont fancy walking over my own child) 

Again with the baby carrier, I used a Baby Bjorn with Liv and yeah the thing pretty much broke my back but it was dead handy to have hands free, and with a toddler I'm thinking this is going to be key!?!? but will it be plausible to use this ALL the time with baby and therefore not need a pushchair/carrycot?

It truly is some sort of 4-wheeled rollercoaster and I truly don't know what to do for the best - SO I need your help. Any advice, opinions, brands to looks out for or to turn too, anyone wanna give me the winning lottery numbers so money is no object (just kidding... .NOT) Please help, my brain is frazzled! 

Getting some help

When Liv was first born I thought I knew it all, I thought I was ready for motherhood. I WASN'T. Nope, not even close. I spent the majority of Liv's first few weeks glued to my new best friend: GOOGLE. I must've asked that god damn know-it-all every question under the sun: "why wont my baby stop crying, how long does it take for a baby to go for a poo, what should my babies poo look like, when will I get some sleep" needless to say Google did not fill me with joy, nor did it give me any answer that was in the way of logical.

Back when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't want to ask questions, being blissfully ignorant was pretty much the way forward for me, surely someone like me can handle this teeny tiny simple thing called motherhood - everyone else makes it look oh so simple - WRONG. I should've asked someone/anyone ALL of the questions, I should've ordered all the books and asked every expert - knowledge is power at the end of the day.

Things haven't really changed now mind. Here I am, Liv is 20 months old, I'm up the duff again and yet here I sit, no books, no questions, Im floating by on a sea of ignorance but this time its scaring me. I'm under no illusion that second time round isn't going to be a walk in the park - everyone (second time mothers) tell me its a piece of piss, which to them, Im really sure it is, but this is me we're talking about. So as I sit here with a mountain of questions, thoughts and a whole load of fears inside my head, I ask my self, WHY don't I want to seek help??

I'm so hugely embarrassed, that even after having one child, I'm here and I know NOTHING: don't get me wrong, I know how to change a nappy (which I totally didn't first time round) but this new bundle of flesh is going to be a whole new personality - one I do not know how to handle. Alongside this, my once cute and passive baby has morphed into a toddler (which personally I think is just another name for: TotallyOverthetopinDecisiveDepressiveLazyEnergeticRunt) that currently cannot control or choose her emotions from one minute to the next. Tantrums, tears, screaming, shouting, lying on the floor, stubbornness, the bloody word NO... jeez, toddlers are a law unto themselves, AND I NEED HELP!

So, with some slight trepidation I purchased my first HELP book...... and yknow what? it feels good to be educating myself. The parent police didn't come after me with pitchforks and the postie didn't laugh at me after he delivered it to me, it just feels jolly nice to have some back up information to read to help to cement actions, or the feelings I'm having. I'm pretty sure there are mothers out there who roll their eyes at me, and I guess I would too a year ago, but now? I need all the educated help I can get and I am sooooo not sorry.

What's your views on self-help books? Are they a help or hindrance? 

14, 15, 16 and 17 week bump

Another update! Time just seems to be absolutely flying this time round. Dont get me wrong I know its not time thats going fast, it's just the fact that Liv is well and truly my distraction. Between running around with her, and dealing with the countless hospital appointments and playdates I genuinely sometimes forget that Im even pregnant - I dont however forget when I'm waking 5 times a night needing to pee! OH THE JOYS!

Overall:
The last couple of weeks have been a real mixture of feelings. Overall my mood is great - I'm managing to keep up some positive thinking, and reading my positive 'Yes Mum' cards are proving to be a great source of solace for me (more on these later) also surrounding myself with positive people is having such a great impact. Aside from my mood, physically I havent been particular great - I have had a few ups and downs but mostly I think the positive thinking is really helping me.

Size:
Yep, I still feel and look huge! Didnt help that I wet to family gathering at the weekend to only be told just HOW MASSIVE I was by pretty much everyone. So, either I am going to be giving birth to a T-Rex or my body is just so slack from first time round! It's certainly making 'dressing' really trying!

Symptoms:
Thank frick, the sickness has GONE! no more being on meds, no more rushing off at the drop of a hat to vomit in the nearest hidden corner (no, really) and at last I can FINALLY eat!!!
The sciatica is pretty much back to full throttle now, and sleeping is pretty much non-existant! I think I think I need to make this official: I dont think Im going to get a proper nights sleep for another GOD KNOWS HOW MANY YEARS! Ive tried different positions and pillows between my legs but its not helping one iota. My GP has said that it is just an unfortunate side effect and that I have to live with it, but Im still going to try and help myself: cue me googling non stop for exercises and products that can help!
Im getting alot of aches and pains down below, I think theres some more stretching going on, which is an odd feeling - I'd kinda forgotten all about this side of things.
Tiredness is still a common factor in my life and its not just a sleep thing, I feel more, exhausted this time round, and I'm pretty sure this is down to my over active toddler demanding I take her outside and run ragged after her ALL THE TIME!

Cravings:
Still loving the fresh orange juice but as for food, that is about it!

Sleep:
I WANT SOME!

Gender:
Still unknown. Still leaning towards thinking its a girl..... eeek!

Low point of this week:
Going to bed at 9pm most nights because I am so exhausted

High point this week:
Sticking to all my fixed plans I made the week previous and Liv having the time of her life!

I need you

I try my hardest to be there for anyone and everyone... it's just something inside me that I feel compelled to do. I like helping people, not because I get something out of it, I just do it because I hope that other people think the same in this world and go on to treat others the same. 

Recently I heard some news that truly shocked me. It was news that affected a friend of mine and the closeness to home hit me. My friends son, who was 2 years old at the time had been diagnosed with High risk, stage 4 metastatic neuroblastoma. A type of cancer that affects fewer than 100 children a year Reuben was one of these figures.

As tests promptly started on Reuben, each piece of news to his family seemed more devastating, as in 50% of cases of this aggressive type of cancer, his primary tumour was found in his abdomen but had already spread to bones and bone marrow before anyone had any idea. 

Just weeks before, Reuben had played alongside his friends at birthday parties and attended pre-school like every other happy 2 year old who was really looking forward to Father Christmas visiting.

He spent his 3rd birthday and New Year's Day in hospital, has undergone MRI scans, bone marrow and tumor biopsies, a blood and platelet transfusion, two rounds of chemotherapy to name but a few procedures. 

His journey has just started. And even though everyone they have encountered working in the amazing NHS are doing their very best to help their little boy,  the statistics make for grim reading and there will come a time, that we all hope, when he will be in remission and eligible for further treatment not yet available in this country. 

Over the next year Reuben and his amazing family will be turning their attention to fundraising efforts to help raise funds for overseas treatment once he is in remission. The initial costs for this are anticipated to be £250,000.

And this is where I come in, as a fellow mother (soon to be to two children) my heart goes out to them, and I cant NOT help. I cant even imagine how they cope every day, how they stay strong, how they continue to fight - they are all courageous, incredible human beings and this is why I must TRY to help. So here goes...

That's right, my beloved hair is going and in return I hope you ALL can donate something: anything, it doesnt matter the amount but I need you all.Forgo your daily coffee for a month, put down that pair of shoes you want, and say no to that bottle of wine, put yourself in their shoes: I would do anything in my absolute power to save or help someone in need and now you can do the same. Please donate HERE

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/Reubensfight 

As I look on at my daughter and feel utterly blessed, I feel compelled to help this family, my friends, get through the toughest battle yet.

PLEASE HELP.

International Women's Day

Girls, what a time to be alive.... seriously. As women we've always been pretty formidable but now, things have ramped up a level. We are finally being recognised as an equal sex, and gender worth taking note of. No longer are we being ignored, beaten down - finally we are being noticed for the kick ass.

I wanted to share the love on this International Women's Day of some ladies who quite simply I look up to in awe, the ones who make me believe I can do better, achieve more and be proud of me. So here goes:


Mother Pukka:

Mother Pukka or a.k.a Anna Whitehouse has been a formidable, mama in action creating a whole shit storm of kick assery! Not only does she speak to us mamas and papas on real, down to earth way about this thing we call parenting but this woman gives us so much more. Currently working on something called The Flex Appeal. Working her teeny stylish ass off for more flexible working which EVERY parent dreams of. This woman amazes me with her candidness, her ability to make us all feel as ease, the way she does everything with such style and flair (including wearing some pretty amazing lip colours) but everything she works on is for US, this remote, online parenting community. WHAT A LADY!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE,

Mother of daughters: 

This lady is my absolute girl crush - mama to 4, yes thats 4 young beautiful women, midwife by trade but all round amazing lady. Clemmie is someone I've followed on Instagram, read her blog Gas and Air from start to finish and just loved seeing grow into the superstar she is. Being a midwife by trade, Clemmie instill in us the power and knowledge we need to birth our babies the way WE want. Being pregnant with number two now this is something I am so keen to get right second time around, and following this woman has made me feel strong enough to do so. She's a girls girl, creating her stance in this world and well n truly leaving her mark - whilst parenting 4 girls! WOW!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and website HERE

Maia Grace Trudgian:

Another 'insta' fave of mine, and man this woman should be on the covers of magazines - just look at her, she's beautiful. Maia is my kinda girl, she is who she is, never shys away and dares to be different. Her wardrobe is like my DREAM and has a growing, owner of ever so successful business Lucky Little Acorns that she started all by herself. As well as being pretty darn the full package she is a superb mama to the stunning gorgeous little Bronte. She's just like you and me and brings her warmth to her Instagram. She's def one to follow.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and LuckyLittleAcorns site HERE

Susie Verrill

LOVE THIS LADY SO MUCH. She's the type of girl you long to be your best friend. She often makes me laugh so much I snort out my daily coffee on her Instagram stories, she has the hair of mermaids, the most gorgeous little boy who is probably the best dressed toddler Ive ever seen, oh and she writes the best blog I've read in a LONG time! My Milo and Me, is the first 'mummy blog' that made me nod my head in agreement, made me cry tears of laughter and also through the fact that someone else has made feel like Im not alone. Susie is a gem.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

The Mummy Diary

Ive known of Ellie for a while -we have worked together and well, she is just the loveliest lady EVER. Mama to 2 gorgeous kids, this woman has picked herself up and shown us all just how strong us women can be. Truthful, thoughtful, candid and owner of the best jelly shoes I've ever laid eyes on, this lady fully deserves an accolade. Her parenting and lifestyle blog is one of my favourites, and she loves cake... whats not to love?
Go check out her Instagram HERE and blog HERE

Rachael Kellett

Rachael, in my eyes, was one of the first people who owned a brand selling MAMA type apparel. I fell in love with her MAMA tees and since then her little shop has got bigger and better. Since then, this amazing lady has given birth to another little bubba and yet shes added MORE products and is going great guns! The woman is unstoppable. She is also the owner of the best fringe and shiniest hair I've ever clapped eyes on.... win win!
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Mother like no other

Becky is another mama who is taking the apparel world on, and beating it good and proper. I've followed Becky on Instagram for a while and I fall in love with everything she produces and the stories behind it Part of every sale goes towards a charity very close to my heart PANDAS, but most of this is a mama who is juggling being a parent with creating a brand, a kick ass brand that manages to team my FAVE colour combos together. Total love for this actual babe.
Go check out her Instagram HERE and her shop HERE

Go forth fellow women.... lets go be incredible together... lets build each other up.... 

Judgement day

As a 20 something, childless, unmarried woman, being judged or judging someone was not even on my radar. I used to go about my daily life just BEING, happy as larry with not a  care in the world. If someone had made a judgement on me I probably wouldn't of cared, a young carefree mind will do that - you just don't worry. Fast forward to now, a grown woman in her 30s (33 to be exact) and I find my every day life is just crammed full of judgments, and from the least expected people.

First up came the judgments over not being married to my long term partner and not being bothered about it - "surely you think its time to get married, you've been together far too long to still be boyfriend and girlfriend" Next up came the decision to have children - "So... it wont be long before you two are going to have children". The endless comments and judgments came thick and fast - people are opinionated, I get that but sometimes this obvious views of MY life from OTHER people was a little hard to stomach.

Of course when Liv came along, the style of judgement changed and from whom they came from. Strangers, family, friends and dare I say it, other mothers. Style of feeding, type of routine, style of parenting, occupation - pretty much everything warranted SOME kind of opinion or judgement from others. Now being a 30+ fully grown adult, these opinions and judgements DO affect me. No more Miss carefree, every word and comment affect every part of my everyday life - I hold the words inside me and just like that, when Im alone, or having a bad day they all come back, spoken to me, out loud. Making me self-doubt. Self-doubt when youre a parent is soul destroying - how can you teach your offspring about the positive, happy things in life ? to remain positive? I look at the things I do and wonder if I'm failing my child, failing my husband, failing myself - just those few words from a person can cause me to self doubt my entire being.

I hope those people who DO judge, read this and realise that the few tiny words that fall out of their mouths can have an affect more than they realise, and how detrimental it can be to fellow mothers.

Lets learn to be kind, compassionate and most of all: NON JUDGEMENTAL. You never know when you might NOT want to be judged.