Re-Cap....

So its been a while since I've had the pleasure of updating the blog - the kids, life, and the big C is somewhat consuming, unfortunately.

So where am I in terms of treatment? still on chemo, still enduring the daily task of dealing with side effects and having to manage 3 kids. It's not easy, I wish I could say it was but its really not.

Alongside the 'standard' side effects: sickness, diarrhoea, stomach cramps, sore feet and hands, the one that it almost too hard to describe is the bone crushing tiredness and fatigue. It's not even a sleep tiredness, my body physically hurt and just wants to lay still... for a long time. Of course with daily life, that type of rest doesn't happen all that often.

How long is this treatment going to carry on for? at least until July where surgery is imminent, however several bone issues a re causing me some kind of headaches of which I shall find out cause and prognosis in due time.

Home life? well, we are still staying in temporary accommodation until the house we purchased is habitable. It was an old house that was lived in by an old couple for over 40 years so as you can imagine not alot of work was done, enter us. Its a long process making sure everything is safe for a family to move into, a process that being done on one income is hard but where there's a will, there's a way.

The kids... well, they are still so absolutely crazy and gorgeous. Liv is 4 and well and truly settled into school life albeit some issues with friendship groups. She is still the most sweetest, kindest and thoughtful girl she always was. Paige is 2 going on 22 and is a force to be reckoned with although despite the hard exterior there is some serious love going on there. Carter is now 17 months old - can you believe it? He is still a mummies boy and clings to me for dear life pretty much 15 hours a day, but he is a loveable rogue. He has massive hands that remind me of Wreck it Ralph and a mullet that would easily win some awards.

All in all we are ok, cos we have to be. I've never tried to pretend that the cancer journey is easy, I'm not one of these people that is overly positive, because you know what it aint all sweetness and light. I have days that are really positive and days where I can't be arsed to fix that smile on my face - but that my friends, is just life.

Self - care shenanigans

'Self - care' I'm pretty darn sure most of you are familiar with this term. It wasn't really something I was familiar with say 3  or 4 years ago, but in more recent times it has become a real thing.

Taking time out to take care of YOU: a massage, get your hair or nails did, coffee or a meal out, brunch with friends, a solo shopping trip.... I love it, sounds amazing, sign me right up, but the reality.... well, the reality is, WHEN do people get the sodding time and money to do it?

As most of you know, I have 3 relatively small children and my day is pretty much spent as follows:

6am - wake up and get ready for the day
6.30am - start getting brekkie ready
7am - get kids up and start feeding
7.30am - start getting them all dressed for the day/school
7.45am - begin shouting at them to PUT THEIR SHOES ON
8am - attempt to get every one in car
8.30am - school drop off
9am - preschool drop off
9.30am
TO
1.45pm - run around doing washing, drying, ironing, washing up, putting clothes away, feeding Carter, playing with carter, hoovering, cleaning toilets, drinking a coffee and basically NEVER SITTING DOWN
2.30pm - go to collect kids

THE REST IS HISTORY..

I wish I was joking but by the time everyone is in bed 7.30pm I am knackered. I then get everything ready for the next day and go to bed. Where is the self care there? Maybe actually getting to wipe my bum after going to the loo? I love my life because I adore my children, but lately with all this talk of self-care and taking care of you it has left me feeling, how shall I say, slightly inadequate.

I dont have the manpower, and I certainly do not have the income to do it, and whilst I adore this little life I have, there is this side to me that wants a bit of what the others have got... I want me some self-care. I get all kinds of jealous of what social media shows me and what I hear about friends doing. What have they got that I haven't, why haven't I achieved the need for self-care and they have? Have I done something wrong?

The whole thing is stupidly ironic of course: Self-care is supposed to be all about spending time ON YOU, taking care of you, ridding yourself of stresses, yet for me, the whole idea of being able to achieve self-care is causing me to stress.... oh irony! So for now, Self-care is going to sit on my shelf alongside being able to take a bath alone and in peace, and being able to eat cake and not put weight on and I shall resume normal behaviour and still consider a hot cup of coffee a complete and utter treat.

Can you ever be thankful for Cancer?

If you had asked me the above question back in February, I probably wouldve laughed in your face and drop kicked you at the same time: Thankful for cancer? What kind of sick planet are you living on? Fast forward until now and what is my answer?

Yes - I am absolutely thankful.

Cancer is probably the most bitter and twisted double edged sword I think Ive ever come across. I hate what it has done to my body, relationships and my childrens anxieties. I however, love the diagnosis because for once I finally feel like I know what happiness, love and fulfilment really is. 

I have always been materialistic to a certain extent - always wanting to look good, to give off a good impression, spending far too long worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. Worrying about my hair, my skin, my clothes, conforming to 'fit in'. Spending money like its water on insignificant items. Abusing my body with yoyo dieting, binge drinking and allowing myself to burn the candle at both ends. Wasting time and energy on non-existent relationships that brought me nothing but sorrow, anguish and upset. Not fulfilling myself, my dreams and my aspirations and just 'making do'

But in just one sentence my alternate reality changed. Hearing "I'm so sorry but it is Cancer" is not something you really EVER want to hear, but this was, and I truly believe it, my slap in the face. Who gives a flying fcuk how much money you have. How big your house is, how nice your car drives or what the hell you're wearing - JUST BE YOU. The stark reality is, if you don't have your health, love or family and friends then you really have to worry.

I have come to find out alot about myself - I'm probably not as damaged as I have always believed: of course, I am not perfect in any sense of the word, but I'm not too shabby a person. I love fiercely and again this isn't a bad thing. I am loyal and passionate. I would run to the ends of the earth and give my life for my children. I have also realised I'm strong when I want to be. The amount of times throughout all of this I have wanted to stop and I haven't proves this. 

I see things clearer ( I have a long way to go mind) and I appreciate the teeny tiny things alot more, I dont stress the small stuff and have a particularly annoying habit of saying "lifes too short" but overall I think my viewpoint has changed significantly and ultimately, despite suffering from some pretty nasty side effects on treatment, this all pales into insignificance when I really think about whats important and why I am doing it - so thank you Cancer for opening my eyes.

Hairy beginnings

So, I can just about, JUST, run my fingers through my teeny tiny hairs. It's an actual revelation. The hairs are roughly 10mm long BUT there is definite fuzz to run my chipolatas through.

6 months of having a cold head, 6 months of going to run my fingers through my hair to realise there is nothing there, 6 months of hating the way I looked, 6 months of wearing scarves with the odd wig thrown in, 6 months of sweating from what feels like only my head, 6 months of my kids asking me why I have no hair, 6 months of looks and stares from those around me, 6 months of no hair.

Its been a really long 6 months I'm not going to lie. I'll be straight up, it was my choice not to cold cap whilst going through chemo as I knew there was still a huge chance I could lose my hair anyway and yes I didn't have very long hair anyway, however it doesn't make one bit of difference to how utterly traumatic it is to suddenly see your hair coming out in your hands in clumps, everytime you shake your head you have a lap of hair, or worry that if a gust of wind should happen that your hair will quite literally FLY OFF (no joke) The trouble with having no hair is well, you look ill. If I had kept all my hair I'm pretty sure alot less people would've realised or thought that actually I'm unwell and having treatment. It was like a big cancer beacon "look at me I'm bald, I have cancer" and it would be incredible difficult to hide: either go out with your potato head on show, or wear a scarf and look REALLY obviously a cancer patient, or wear a wig and live in fear that one of my children might pull it off my head.

However, now I have the teeny tiniest amount of hair coming through I look normal. Just like joe blogs.. a woman with very short hair. Its a weird concept, right now I look healthy, and err, dare I say it, normal. I certainly do not look like I still have a body with cancer in it, nor do I look like I am receiving treatment for it - I just look like I shaved my head. Don't get me wrong, that's not necessary a bad thing, but for me, after spending these 6 months having not one morsel of a hair on my skull its an incredibly alien thing for me. I now have to explain to people that I cant make too many plans because I don't know how I'm going to feel on chemo, that actually my tit still hurts post BREAST CANCER SURGERY, and that actually I just feel sodding tired and yes, I am in my pjs at 3pm in the afternoon. Having no hair, as shitty as it was, provided me with a get out of anything card because it was so darn obvious I was unwell, and dare I say it, I became ok with that - I didn't have to gulp down the tears whilst I once again tell someone I have cancer. My little bald-safety net has disappeared.

Whilst I attempt to get used to finally having a head covering and starting to feel warmer, I will have to change my way of thinking, changing my mindset now is a hard task and as much as I want to be that healthy/normal looking girl, I'm really not.

Remember: Cancer doesnt have a 'look'

A cuppa tea and TERRANCE

So, it has been a sodding long time since I've blogged. I mean, I've had anther baby,the beautiful baby boy carter, I've been in hospital with him being seriously poorly, and I've been manically busy trying to find some sort of rhythm with my gorgeous brood. And of course when things JUST settle down....I find I have cancer.

No seriously I'm not even shitting you. CANCER

Like...what?!!?! I cant even believe I'm typing that but here I am.

I wont bore u with all the teeny details so here is a very quick fire round of what happened: just before Christmas 2018 when I was having my normal 2 second shower,because y'know, kids, I felt an odd small hard lump to the side of my right breast. It didn't hurt it was just a hard lump. NOTHING in my tiny mind thought PANIC, in fact I dismissed it, and swiftly forgot about it. Literally. And of course my beautiful baby boy got sick, went into hospital and well, that teeny lump popped right outta my mind but that teeny lump wasnt done growing...

By the New Year and February, in another shower (I had showered in between I can assure you!) I was very much aware of the lump as it was now visible under the skin so I made a routine GP appointment. After the appointment and they're assurance that it wasn't anything sinister they referred me to the local breast clinic to have it checked over. And then Cancer happened, as in those words fell out of the consultants mouth.

My life had changed.

So, here I am, still alive thank fcuk, 8 months down the line. 8 months of the hardest slog, 8 months of treatment, and 8 months of still having cancer - it hasn't gone and I am still in treatment. Many of times I wondered if it would be cathartic to tell my story: the story of my cancer but I didn't want to bore, but lucky for you here I am... ready to hash it all up. In an effort to help my mind heal from the trauma I want to get it all out.

So enter this blog.... A cuppa tea and Terrance the tumour.

Lets talk taboo: Money guilt

This is probably going to invoke alot of anger in alot of people but its one I've wanted to write about for a long time. Y'see I'm part of a family that live on very limited income. I am a 34 year old female who earns just over a £100 a month with an additional just over £100 from child benefit income. My husband works every day (non stop I might add) and pays for absolutely everything within our lives: mortgage, all of the household bills, all petrol and insurances for cars, and anything that should require funding urgently. My money goes on food and baby necessities like nappies etc. We are left with a single figure once all the bills come out every month and I am unable to claim any further money in benefits.

We cant afford a holiday or a break away. We cant afford to go for days out at amusement parks nor can we randomly decide to go out for lunch over the weekend. Any plans over the weekend HAVE to be free and if we go to any parks or any organised family fun days I have to take a packed lunch and not buy anything out. We don't go clothes shopping we simply look for second hand or free donations, I havent purchased new underwear for myself since the first time I fell pregnant with Liv and I purchased maternity knickers - I still wear these. I cant afford to have a hair cut and will trim and dye my hair myself. I no longer get my nails done, nor do I ever eat out with the kids. When I take the girls out,  the only money we spend is from their family benefit which I get - normally the activity is soft play or something cheap, however now I have to start paying for Paige it is making life harder. The kids will sometimes (rarely) eat out but I will not, I will go without. I don't go out to socialise separate from the girls as every penny of my money is allocated to the girls and the various items they require such as food and toiletries. A date night for me and mark hasn't happened in a while and the last time we spent money on each other was I cant even remember when.

Whilst this is just the life we lead, let me tell you how hard every day is: from the requests from the girls for various things (even down to wanting a fruit shoot I cant afford to buy) to having to say no to friends and activities (whether for me or the girls) as we simply cant  afford to do what other people do. Every day I look at others on social media: Instagram and Facebook and want to cry. Mum's having time out with their kids in a coffee shop, days out at fun looking places, shopping hauls and videos showing off what they spent. My food shopping is calculated down to the nearest penny - I write everything down and take a calculator to work everything out before we get to the till because I'll literally only have a £20 note to spend (I dont own credit cards)

Alot of people will moan at this post because why on earth are we deciding to have another child when clearly we cant afford it - the reality is, we didn't plan to have another baby so soon. A 3rd was always part of lifes plans but just not this soon and it hurts to think that here we are, I cant even afford to buy the new baby clothes (it's a boy this time and all we have is girls stuff) so we are literally having to see what we can find second hand. I quite often cant sleep at night through feeling so guilty that tomorrow I cant give the girls what all their friends are having, or how am I going to work out what Im going to give them to eat thats remotely healthy.

People sometimes look at us and think we must have no money worries - Im a lady who doesn't work for heavens sake, the truth is, I cannot AFFORD TO WORK. I work in the evening (although have just gone on maternity leave) but as much as Id love to go back out to work full time I have no childcare for the girls and simply am not qualified enough to get a job that pays more than the childcare costs and surely whats the point of going out to work if all you're paying for is for someone to look after your kids?!? Everyone assumes I am lucky to be a SAHM but let me tell you my everyday life is filled with immense guilt and worries, the only solace I seek sometimes I spending time with my girls and how much love I feel for them.

Sometimes I feel bitter but most of the time I feel sad, and under immense pressure (and so must my husband). I wish I was like other families and could give my girls better but I am simply keeping my head above water to give them the minimum of which I can. Sometimes Instagram, Facebook and Twitter can deceive you, not everything is at it seems. I felt the need to write this because I feel no-one talks about the drain a family can have, how sometimes the benefit system doesnt support those that arent the obvious ones that need it and this is a really taboo subject. Money is often seen as something you shouldn't talk about but yknow what, this is something that can have a huge impact on every day life which obviously can then in turn affect your mental health.

Mindful parenting

Now, Im not going to lie to you, I am really not any expert in being mindful or even staying remotely calm or patient in life BUT I am most definitely seeing the appeal of living a more mindful life, not just for me, but for the girls too.

We live in a day and age that is oh so disposable, selfish, fast paced and at times lacking of any depth and it scares me to think that my girls have to try to grow up gracefully and carefully in this day and age without seeing them fall subject to the bad side of the way people live. So I have been looking into living a more mindful existence with the girls and practicing parenting with more mindfulness in well, mind. Like I first said, this is not something I feel I know ALOT about - I mean I try, and I work really really hard to be more mindful of my surroundings and the way I conduct myself but I also lack  ANY kind of patience, I am swayed by anything remotely social media wise and spend alot of my life comparing my life to others, which is well, just a little shit.

Liv is a timid character, she doesn't like confrontation, doesn't like shouting and is easily overrun by very large characters and large crowds. She's a real thinker and it takes ALOT for her to open up to anyone. My decision to be more mindful was predominately more with her in mind, but it is something I'm trying to practice more myself so in turn I would like to parent and raise my children more mindful.

So, err, how do you BE more mindful when you parent? Well thats a little easier said than done to explain. I began by reading... reading alot. I've read many articles about how to begin the mindfulness journey, some of the books I've read I will link to below, but here it is, some of the pinpointers I have used to try and parent more mindful.

Be more mindful yourself

What is it they say? Practice what you preach? Well, exactly this. You wouldn't teach your kid how to tap dance if you couldn't do it yourself would you?! I've been trying to make more of a conscious effort to live a more mindful life (easier said than done with two kids and being constantly stressed) Firstly I've been trying guided meditations whenever I get a chance, so normally late at night. Admittedly they do make me fall asleep but the thought is there!

Why do you want to teach your kids?

To be fair when I first got thinking about mindfulness and teaching it to the girls I wondered whether this would give me some kind of miracle technique to somehow abolish tantrums and bad behaviour - I WAS WRONG. Mindfulness is all about being aware of thoughts and feeling both inside and out. Being aware of their surroundings, to recognise when they're minds have wandered. Dont set your expectations too high - remember there is no changing a toddler!

Practice breathing

This is something I've always done with Liv to a certain extent: Liv can sometimes really work herself up - she used to do this so much she'd hold her breath and turn blue (I KNOW!) and so I used to guide her through breathing: slowly and calmly. I'd breath with her and get her to focus on me. The ideas are the same. Maybe try and play a game with your little ones where they watch the rise and fall of their breath - using toys or simply watching their belly. Bedtime is normally a nice time to do this.

Go for a walk

This is the easiest of all mindful activities to do - simply go for a walk with your little ones, leave your phone at home and talk to them about what they notice about their surroundings. Ask them to spend a minute listening to the sounds and after a minute get them to tell you what they can hear - this is incredibly soothing for everyone involved!

Ask them for a personal weather report

Sounds a bit silly but asking how they're feeling is a great way to practice mindfulness, however being a kid the chances of them being able to articulate the way they are feeling properly is slim to none. For Liv we use the weather to compare how she is feeling - sunny, shiny and happy, or overwhelmed and cloudy. Sounds silly but it really helps Liv to be aware of how shes feeling and understand that its ok to feel whatever she does feel.

Happy Memories

I often ask Liv to tell me at the end of a day or week what she really enjoyed doing or seeing. Remembering a time that made her especially happy is so cute and lovely and also ALWAYS makes liv smile again - its so lovely to hear.

If you're looking to read up more about activities and how to teach mindfulness to your kids in more depth there are a couple of books that I've read that I would definitely recommend:

"Sitting Still Like a Frog - Mindfulness exercises for kids"

I found this a nice, simple and clear book about practicing mindfulness with the girls.Has good sections on falling asleep more easily, alleviating worry and managing anger. A nice little read.








Mindful Monsters

This fab website is a monthly subscription pack whereby each month you will get a pack of seven activity cards to enjoy with your kids, all inspired by mindfulness. The cover subjects such as Creativity, Relaxation, Positivity and Concentration. Costing £7.50 each month I really like the idea this.

Overall, I'm really enjoying trying to be more aware in life and if anything, it certainly opens your eyes a little more to the way kids think, and to concentrate more on the here and now.